Re: A very bleak mood...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner; I didn't know about that.

I've just spoken to a lady from Oklahoma, US on a forum which is dedicated to preventing suicide and it was a wonderful experience. She was upbeat...it took me a while to phone her as she doesn't have skype but she was so nice and I've been to the US although it was more than 20 years ago, before that bomb.

Took me a while to get through to the US but it's given me something to hold onto (I always knew today was going to be difficult) and we PM each other regularly. I'll be OK and I don't disregard your advice lightly...it's just so difficult for me right now.

Re: A very bleak mood...

Dreamy you are stronger than you think.
You came through the other side on so many occasions.
I am so sorry you have no PMs yet, which means I have to support you on this thread, and cannot mention the other place and any history.
I also notice that you get angry over silly things.
Please, I beg of you, do not give in. I am pleased that you are able to talk about your frustrations. You know I am always there for you, a promise I made a long time ago.

Re: A very bleak mood...

Ffosse, you will have been a member here three months tomorrow so you should have PM access either late tomorrow or on Monday.

Re: A very bleak mood...

Yes, you should.
Why did you ignore his advice?

Re: A very bleak mood...

See above!

Re: A very bleak mood...

Perhaps I should have taken his advice - today I'm a mess and trying to garner as much sensible advice as possible.

It was wonderful, though, to speak on the phone for 45 minutes to a lady in Oklahoma City who seemed to know exactly what I'm going through - I know it helped her too as she has nothing, her welfare and food stamps denied.

I've got savings, I have money, but none of that matters when considering the best way to exit, perhaps I shouldn't have written that last clause but that's how I feel.

Re: A very bleak mood...

OK, thanks Ruthio.
However, if Ffosse had gone he might have been getting help by now.
As for saying he didn't want to go in the dark, would it not have been possible to get a taxi home?

Re: A very bleak mood...

N.B. My next landline bill will be very costly but I don't mind - I made that call to someone in the US who has bigger problems than mine.

Re: A very bleak mood...

Ffosse please try to be strong. We all have different problems in life, but there is usually an answer to them if you speak to the right person. You will be able to use the Pm system, on here, in a few days and none of us want you to suffer.

You have mentioned that you are afraid of the pain that pancreatitis can cause and we have also discussed that death worries you, in recent weeks. I know you are going through a difficult time but only you can stop that, by pouring your drink down the sink. I am asking you to do that, not just for yourself, but for any family you have and for the people who are your friends on here.

We all want to see you smile again and get to know the real Ffosse,,,, so please give us a chance to help you
I would be happy to talk to you.

Re: A very bleak mood...

Hi

We all have down times.

I am being kicked from pillar to post at the moment.

My son, constant health issues due to sheer incompetence on the part of the NHS, PTSD, waiting a year for my pension, HMRC etc etc.

I had no sleep at all last night, arrived home to find the washing machine I had left on with a blocked pump/ filter, full of water.

I still have no heating and for the last 10 days I have had to be transported everywhere by ambulance.

My right eye is red and swollen, I have severe earache in my right ear, which is still discharging.

I have absolutely no intention of killing myself, entirely the opposite in fact, I intend to fully recover and sort the other things out.

Having said that, I can fully understand your reluctance to refer yourself for assessment.

I had to undergo one by the Medical Social Worker before discharge.

If you are not suicidal before, you will be afterwards.

They have a checklist, a list of tick boxes.

Are you feeling down.

Yes, how helpless to you feel on a score of 1 to 10?

I don't feel helpless, I feel bloody annoyed.

Have you ever considered self harm?

Nope, not at all.

If you were to consider self harm, how would you end it all.

Palytoxins.

What are Palytoxins?

One of the most lethal substances known, an extremely low LD50, no antidote.

What is an LD50?

It is amount required to kill 50% of the population.

Where would you get it from?

My aquarium.

How?

If you had read my bloody notes you would have seen that I am a specialist, in NCB.

Would you take an overdose of your current Medications?

No.

Why not?

They would not kill me.

What medications are you currently on?

Read the bloody notes.

Would you like us to get Britsh Gas out to do emergency repairs to you boiler?

That would be brilliant thank you, but impossible.

Why?

We have no gas in the village and I have no boiler.

I have a heat pump.

You have access to all my notes and previous assessments.

It is all explained in them.

Can you dress yourself?

Yes, look in the locker, top quality stuff.

Do you need help going to the toilet?

Nope, again, read the notes.

When is your birthday?

Who is the Prime Minister?

You are over 64, we will send a member of the Elderly Team to do a full assessment of your needs.

No you bloody won't.

I am intelligent, articulate, and without the intervention of the NHS, fully functional.

I am back for a visit on Monday morning, an excellent young lady doctor who knows her stuff.

I am first on the list, I have to be ready for Patient Transfer at 7:30 am.

I will not be able to drive back, but hoping to be able to drive on Tuesday.

If I have the same condescending attitude from whoever is coming Monday afternoon, someone will need counselling.

It will not be me.

Be strong, have a laugh, I deal with things by having a sense of humour.

You are worth it, never forget that.