Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
"D'ya think so Bel?"
"Oh aye. I can just picture somebody like Mike Harding reading thar'out!"
Once again he realised she was just making fun of him, so he went into a sulk and started hanching the spud pies down in great heaving gulps.
"Have ya heard from Soreen lately Bel?
Boip!"
"Yis lad, she phoned me a couple o' days ago to see if ya'd gor'into owt else daft."
"Wot did ya tell her then?"
"Oh, only about finding you in a jail in Hamburg, our trip to Holland and you smokin' cannabis, and then our trip to Arkansas, then yer house being flooded out."
"Did ya tell her all about them Wild American Native persons as well Bel?"
"I did that. Her were in bluddy fits laughing and said it was the best twenty quid phone call she'd ever made!"
"I wish ya wouldn't tell her everything Bel. It shows me up!"
"Well now ya knows wor'it feels like!"
"I tell ya wot though Bel. It's a good job ya didn't marry me when I asked ya that time in't it?"
"In wot way?"
"Well I were still married so wouldn't it have made me a bigamist if I'd married you as well?"
"No lad, in your case it would've made ya a pigamist!"
"Oh aye, that's reet!"
"Well owd lad, it's been an interesting evening burrad best be making tracks!"
"Oh no, not yet Bel, ya cawn't. We haven't come to the entertainment bit yet! I've getten summat proper special lined up for ya!"
She looked at him suspiciously.
"Entertainment bit! Yer not goin't sing at me again are ya?"
"Well I was Bel, bur'it's a bit special 'cos I learned the words proper, plus another surprise. Please Bel, let me!"
"Go on then, but ger'it o'er and done with then I can get wom and tek a yed warch pill!"
He scuttled off to get something then, before he came back through the living room door, he called to her.
"Close yer eyes Bel. I want to serenade ya without ya glaring at me!"
She tutted but complied with his request.
Bel heard him re-enter the room and heard him thump down in his chair. All of a sudden there was the most horrendous sound she'd ever heard in her life, but she kept her eyes shut for fear of what she might see.
Twang, twang!
I am lonesome tonight
I am p!ssed me tonight
Twang!
An'am sorry I rifted a fart
Does yer memory stray
To that bright summer day
When you tripped and I called you a tart
Twang, twang!
She couldn't stand it any longer. She opened her eyes and had a peek at what he was doing.
"SHUT IT WILL YA. THA' SEHNDS BLUDDY WEEL!"
"Sorry Bel!"
In his hands he held a battered old banjo which only had two rusty strings and which he was attempting to get a tune out of.
Brrrrip!
Fluuurp!
Ooops!
"Sorry Bel."
"Sorry Crusty. I don't know where that came from. Must've been that food I've just etten!"
"It's okay Bel. There's nowt wrong wi' a fart, 'specially between pals. It shows that yer bits and pieces are working proper!"
"Well lad, I don't think ya could manage to play Duelling Banjos on thar'owd thing, but between the pair of us we could play duelling arseholes!"
Crusty snickered.
"I'll keep practising with me playing Bel!"
"Well ya'd best buy a new set o' strings for it then. It's supposed to have four nice steel ones, not two owd rusty 'uns!"
"Should it? How much do they cost? Ne' mind. I got this from't charity shop Bel. It were only two quid bur'it's okay, in't it?"
"As I said, it'd probably sound okay if it had a decent set o' strings on it and tuned up professionally, burrad like to ask ya a little favour owd lad!"
"Wot's that Bel?"
"Don't ever play it again when I'm within hearing distance, or I'll breyk it o'er thi' yed!"
"Okay Bel! I'd like't learn how't play a bit o' Noah's Ark on this."
"Noah's Ark? Wot d'ya mean Noah's Ark?"
"Ya know Bel, thar'owd decomposer from hundreds o' years ago. I think he wrote summat called Handles A-Fire!"
"Handel's Messiah, an' it were bluddy Handel that wrote that! I've never heard of a piece called Noah's Ark .... just a minute ya dim witted owd pot bellied pig. Ya don't happen to mean Mozart, do ya?"
"Oh aye, thackle be him. I'll learn how't play some Mozzert!"
"Yer bluddy hard work Crusty! Are ya sure yer deef in that ear? Are ya positive that ya don't have a long lost sausage stuffed down theer that ya hid and ya've forgetten about?"
"Dunno Bel. I'll have a dig later on and see worra can find!"
"In any case, ya can't play classical music like Mozart on a bluddy battered owd farty banjo. It seynds bluddy weel. That sort o' music's supposed be played by an orchestra with violins and pianos, not bluddy owd banjos!"
"Oh I see. I didn't know!"
Just then he bent down and started fiddling about in his boots again with his fingers.
"Worra ya doin' now?"
"Me feet are itchy again Bel, an' before ya say owt it's nor'only nast this time. I've getten some fungus between me toes!"
"Have ya owd lad? I didn't know ya'd started growin' yer own mushrooms. Get some picked for yer brekkie in't morning and let me know wot they taste like!"
"Get lost Bel. Yer allers laffin’ at me!"
"Shaddap y'owd wet lettuce. Can't ya take a joke?"
"Yeh bur'everybody makes a joke out o' me an' it's not fair. Am only a poor defenceless anink mule!"
"Thar’a bluddy mule alreet. Thar'as daft as a donkey!"
Poor donkeys!
"Any road up owd lad, I'll have to get wom now. Worra ya doin' tomorrer?"
"Nowt special Bel. Did ya enjoy me party?"
"Wot party - oh aye, that. Yis lad, it were very nice. Thank you for having me!"
"Canna come to your house tomorrer for me tea? I'll bring summat wi' me t'ayte for our afters if ya like!"
"Okay then lad. I'll see ya tomorrer, about four?"
"Reet Bel, four it is. I'll bake us a nice cake. Am gerrin good at that!"
She wavered for a moment then felt sorry for him again.
"Alright then but don't pur'owt daft in it!"
"I'll not, I promise!"
"See ya tomorrer!"
© Mollie M
28.07.03