Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Thanks Marian. I do appreciate your reading these, and so glad that you enjoy them.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

138

A Relaxing Day at Home?
(not On Your Nellykins with Crustykins!)

The party ended at around midnight and Crusty was totally worn out from dancing, whooshing and eating. He was full to bursting and his legs ached from waltzing around the room with Delroy and doing the hokey-cokey, which made him titter.

Some of the partygoers had started to drift off at around eleven, but the party had started early at six that evening so all had had a wonderful time, as usual.

When the last guest had left, Bel turned to Crusty.

"Now then lad! Have ya had a good time?"

His eyes welled up with tears and he nodded his head.

"It were brilliant Bel. I never thowt for a minute that ya was throwing a party for me, and nobody ler'on about it. When ya said ya had a surprise for me I never expecticated that, but wot made it bestest of all was 'cos Del Boy was there! He said he'll come to see me soon so I'll have't keep th'ouse clean or he'll get mad!"

"Well there's no need to start skryking! We're not quite done yet me furry owd mogwump's arse!"

"Wot d'ya mean Bel? Is there summat else for me as well?"

"Yis lad, burram not tellin' ya woritis yet!"

His eyes gleamed brightly.

"Yer tekkin' me somewhere aren't ya? Yer tekkin' me't Blackpool, aren't ya?"

"No lad, I'm not taking ya't Blackpool, but we are going somewhere nice on Sunday morning if ya behave yerself!"

Sulk!

"Burra like Blackpool bestest of all!"

"Stop sulking or I'll not take ya anywhere. I promise ya'll enjoy worrave got planned and we'll be away for a few days."

"Okay Bel. You allers know best! Am tired Bel so I think I'll hop it. Where are ya shoving me for't neet this time? Amma sleeping in't potting shed, or do I ger'a nice warm stable with some hay so I can get me owd yed down comfy toneet?

She gave him a lovely smile and waited for his eyes to light up.

"You're sleeping in a nice comfy bed upstairs tonight lad!"

"Wot? Ya mean I can sleep in yer house wi' you Bel?"

"No, ya gawpin' sod. Yer not sleeping wi' me! Ugh! Wor'an 'orrible thought. Yer all hairy and smelly an'a ber'a bluddy shilling yer farting all neet in bed!"

"I've said it wrong Bel. I didn't mean that. Amma sleeping upstairs did ya say?"

"Yis lad. Now come on! Ya've got yer own en suite which is just off yer room so ger'a nice shower and shave, then ya can put Jim and Jam on and have a good neet's sleep and we'll ger'up early in't morning!"

"A shower .....?"

"Yis a shower, unless ya want to freeze for't neet on't compost heap in me garden!"

"A shower it is then Bel. See ya in't morning."

"Good night lad!"

"Oh! By the way Bel. Do I ger'a brekkie in't morning?"

"Course ya do. Mrs Shepherd will be coming in very early to tidy all the party stuff away and she's cooking us some brekkie at eight thirty sharp so don't be late!"

"I'm never late for a brekkie Bel!"


Crusty's beady little eyes flirted open wide at eight the following morning so he dashed into his private little shower room for a pee and a fart, got dressed then dashed downstairs.

"So wockle we do today then owd lass? Have ya gor'owt planned?"

Sniff, sniff!

"Yes. We're going to have a nice quiet day in resting."

"Worra we resting for? Am as fit as a butcher's dog me Bel! I had enough rest when I were in that brush all that time!"

Sniff, sniff!

"Co-ma! Well if ya've gor'a lot of energy ya can go and play out the back with Palethorpe. I'll ger'is ball and frisbee and ya can play some games while I have a little nap. I'm still tired out from yesterday's events, alright lad?"

"Great! I've not seen Palethorpe for a bit. D'ya think he'll be able't recognise me?"

Sniff, sniff!

"He'll be able't smell ya owd lad!"

"Aw! That's not fair Bel. I had a special shower yesterday and last neet. It's not normal to have so many showers in one month!"

"Ya smelly owd sh!t heap! Bur'ave ya had a wash this morning? Ya smell o' farts!"

"Er .... I forgot. Havva got to have a ........?"

"Go on wi' ya and stop yer whingeing! Once yer playing outside the fresh air'll blow't stink away! Tha' needs a bluddy good airing anyway."

Bouncing the ball as he went, he started scuttling around the house in search of Palethorpe!

"Come on lad! Yer Uncle Crusty's here't play a game wi' ya. Come on lad. Where are ya hiding?"

Palethorpe had been dozing on mummy's bed, but when he heard his Uncle Crusty's voice and heard the squelchy splishing of his boots he woke up.

Woof! Sniff!

Woof, woof!

Whooooooooosh!

Palethorpe suddenly appeared in front of Crusty. His tongue dangled out and he was panting for breath.

So was Palethorpe!

"Hello lickle man. Yer Uncle Crusty's here. Let's go and play out the back while yer mummy has a nice lickle kip on't sofa! She needs a bit of a rest so we'd best not disturb her. See! We've getten a baw an' a frisbee! On yer marks lad. Three, two, go, er ... wot comes next? Oh aye, one!"

Double zooooom!

They played happily together for a couple of hours scampering about. Crusty was getting tired but he kept up with the dog for a little while longer.

"Here y'are Palethorpe. Let's see if ya can jump high enough't catch this frisbee!"

Lob!

Tinkle!

"Oops!"

Palethorpe cringed and slunk off, his belly scraping the floor.

Bel awoke from her doze wondering what the noise was. She got up and looked around her only to find herself surrounded with broken glass.

She leaned out of the window and yelled.

"Who the bluddy hell's done that? Crusty! Where are ya and wot d'ya think yer doin'?"

Crusty whizzed off and went into hiding in Bel's garage behind the Land Rover where he found Palethorpe, both of them hoping they'd never get caught, but they heard her storming in through the garage doors.

"Come out of hiding this instance! I know yer in here somewhere!"

Silence!

Woof!

"Sssssh Palethorpe!"

"Ne' mind bluddy ssssssh Palethorpe! D'ya think I'm daft?"

Silence!

"Oh well all reet then! If ya don't want a big pon o' lobbies for yer dinner don't bother then!"

Lobbies?

"Palethorpe! Yer mammy's making us some lobbies for our din-dins!"

"D'ya think I cawn't here ya whispering, y'owd fart!"

"No Bel. Oops!"

He slapped a hairy hand over his mouth to shut himself up, but it was too late as he realised that she'd heard him. They saw her monstrous shadow looming towards them and they sat on the concrete floor hugging each other and quaking.

Palethorpe grinned when he saw mummy standing over them arms folded, lip curled down and tapping her foot on the hard floor.

Woof!

"It weren't me Bel!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

She grabbed his ear and hauled him into a standing position. Palethorpe started wagging his tail, frisbee in mouth.

"Wot d'ya mean it weren't you? Who were it then?"

Woof!

"It were Palethorpe that did it!"

Grrrrrowl!

"Si' thi'. I'll have't ring a glazier now and get that window fixed straight away. I'll be docking the money for it out o' yer wages from't caff!"

"Aw Bel!"

"Aw nowt! Ger'in that bluddy house and sit still before ya breyk summat else!"

She got out the Yellow Pages and thumbed through the glaziers and found one who could come within the hour.

Once it had been replaced she snatched Crusty up from his chair where he'd been sat watching Thunderbirds on the telly.

"Worra ya doin' at me now Bel?"

"Get yer jacket on, we're going out!"

"Burrave not finished watching me puppet show yet! Where are we going? Is it somewhere nice?"

"Well there'll be all sorts o' stuff there. Come on. Hurry up!"

Beaming happily he followed her out to the car thinking they were going shopping for more presents.

It was actually punishment time!

She drove the Escort out of the garage and down the road for a few miles until they came to the Council Skip Yard where there were quite a few people getting rid of some of their rubbish.

"Where've ya fetched me Bel? There's nor'a lot we can do here!"

Without replying she got out of the car and went round to the passenger side where she opened the door and dragged him out by his cauliflower ear. A few people noticed them and stopped what they were doing to watch for a few moments.

She placed Crusty in front of a massive skip.

"Neh then! Have a look in there and tell me wot ya see!"

He wasn't tall enough so she lifted him up under his armpits and he peeked over the side, skinny little legs dangling down.

"I can see a lot o' rubbish Bel but there's one or two bits and pieces tharra could make use of!"

She dropped him down onto the ground again and he bit his tongue.

"Ouchth, thar'urt!"

"So! Ya can see a lot o' rubbish can ya?"

"Yith Bel!"

"Reet! We're at the right place then!"

She grabbed hold of the back of his owd black jacket with one hand and held onto his britches arse with the other then, lifting him up high in the air she lobbed him into the skip.

When he landed there was a crashing sound, a tinkle and a grunt.

Schnort, paaarip!

Some of the people who were watching were horrified, but others started laughing their heads off when they heard him farting.

Paaarip, plopple, dribble!

A minute or two later Crusty's sad eyes appeared at the rim of the skip and they had tears splashing out of them. He had a bit of twig sticking out of his ear and an old wooden toilet seat round his neck.

"Worrava gone and done wrong this time Bel?"

"That's for breykin' me bluddy window y'owd fart. Yer where ya belong now, wi't rest o't bluddy rubbish!"

Wor'a bluddy shame!

She turned on her heel, got into the car and started the engine then he started sobbing out loud.

"Bel, Bel, please don't leave me in here Bel! Somebody might find a use for me and tek me wom wi' 'em."

"Wot possible use could YOU be to anybody? Yer bluddy useless?"

"Are ya goin't leave me in here then Bel?"

"If ya can ger'out by yerself I'll take ya back again."

He struggled for several minutes, but eventually he managed to balance precariously on the rim of the skip and when he jumped down he ricked his ankle.

"Ouch! That buddy hurt. Bel? Can ya help me out wi' me hobbling otherwise I might need Del Boy back again?"

She got out of the car again and snatched him by the back of his jacket hauling him up onto his toes.

"Come on then ya festering owd gobsh!te. Get back in't car but tek that lavvy board from round yer neck first! Tha' favvers bluddy weel, as per usual!"

"It weren't a bad punishment that Bel. Ya thinks up some belters, ya really do!"

"I were called having a nice relaxing day today and ya've gone and put bluddy paid to that again!"

"Sorry Bel. I didn't mean't breyk yer window. How much did it cost for't repair?"

"Three hundred and thirty quid!"

His head disappeared into his shoulders and he broke out in a cold sweat.

"But Bel! Ickle tek me years to pay me dues and demands out o' me wages! How much d'ya want a week?"

"All of it till it's paid for!"

"Aw Bel!"

"Shurrup! Now we're going back home and I don't want to see or hear you for't rest o't day so make yerself bluddy scarce!"

"Wot will I do wi' meself then?"

"I don't know an'a don't care just as long as ya leave me alone in peace and ya don't ger'in any more trouble!"

"That's a difficult one thar'is Bel, burrall think o' summat!"

The rest of the day went without incident as Crusty had decided to do some colouring in, watched some cartoons on her TV and he read his Dandy and Beano to keep him quiet.

"Now then lad, it's be-bo's time again but ya'll have to be up out of yer pit at seven at the latest for yer early morning hanch. We're going somewhere tomorrow and we can't be late, okay?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Okay Bel. I'll be sat at yer kitchen table at seven o'clock sharp!"


Bel caught him at her cooker the next morning just as he was about to break some eggs into four inches of smoking hot oil.

"Oi! Wot the bluddy hell d'ya think yer doing at me cooker?"

"Morning Bel. I just thowt I'd repay your hospickality by cooking ya yer brekkie. It's bin proper beltin' stopping here for two neets. It's bin like stoppin' at a posh hotel!"

"Put them bluddy eggs down before I smash 'em o'er yer yed. YOU ARE NOT COOKING, especially in my kitchen!

Sulk!

Just then Mrs Shepherd came in and weighed up what had just happened.

"Is Crusty trying to cook, Miss Leekey?"

Crusty stared at her indignantly.

"No! Crusty's not trying to cook Miss Leekey, ya daft lady. Wot would Crusty want to cook his Bel for? In any case he wouldn't be able't ger'er in't pon!"

"Shaddap!"

Mrs Shepherd started bustling about with the breakfast and within fifteen minutes Crusty was diving in. He picked up his bacon in his fingers and slithered it noisily down his throat. The next to be assaulted was his two thick pork sausages and he held one in each hand which were dive-bombed into the two egg yolks smiling happily on the plate.

Spladoosh! There was egg yolk everywhere.

"Crusty!"

Gulp!

"Worisit ya wants to say at me Bel only am a bit busy hanchin' at the moment!"

"Well! Ya know yer allergic to water?"

"Yis Bel!"

"Well! Are you also allergic to stainless steel?"

"Wor'a funny question! I don't think so Bel. Not tharra know of anyway! Why d'ya ask?"

Mrs Shepherd had her back to them washing dishes at the sink and the back of her neck prickled at the sarcasm in Bel's voice. She cringed as she knew what was coming, and for one moment she wished she was thirty miles away. She started humming quietly to herself hoping to be able to block out the verbal abuse that Bel was about to hurl at Crusty.

"Well why the bluddy hell don't ya use yer knife and fork ya bluddy owd pig? Tha' seynds bluddy weel when yer aytein' wi' yer gobblin' an' hanchin' an' snortin' and fartin'! Get yer bluddy eating irons picked up!"

The three chimney stacks on Bel's roof wobbled a few times then settled back into position.

"Am sorry Bel. It's just thar'it's proper good this brekkie an'a cawn't ayte it fast enough!"

"I'm tekkin' ya somewhere proper special today an' it's famous for'it's fabulous restaurants and cuisine. World renowned chefs go there an' it's where all't best people go to eat, and wot do you do? Guzzle and fart, hanch and fart, slobber and fart. How am I supposed't tek ya anywhere proper to eat when a bluddy pig has better etiquette than YOU?"

He hung his head low knowing he'd gone too far this time.

"Am proper sorry Bel. Ya'll have't teach me some manners. Where is it ya was taking me to?"

"A restaurant called Maxim's! The best restaurant in .... well ne' mind where!"

"Mac who? MacSimms? Is he a Scottish gentleman Bel? I don't fancy having any more haggises!"

She rolled up her eyes.

"Never mind! Worrall do instead is tek ya to't front o't restaurant on Rue Royale and just show ya wor'it looks like from th'outside, burra daren't tek ya in. I've never seen ya as bad as this!"

"Is it down Wigan Bel?"

"No! It's not down bluddy Wigan!"

"Well wherever it is you can take me in Bel an'a promise I'll ayte proper nice. How d'ya ayte nice Bel?"

"Well if ya watched me from time to time ya'd know! Why do you always ram things down yer throat Crusty? There must be a reason."

"Well all I can think of Bel is that when I were a lickle lad on't Sandwich Islands .... I mean in Mombongo, we didn't have owt like this to eat. We only had bananas and coconuts and fish an'a few vegetables. There were no fry-ups like this, so pr'aps me taste buds go into overdrive when summat like this is pur'in front o' me! Mambo wasn't the best cook in the world ya see!"

"Well if that's yer best explanation it'll have to do, even if that was sixty years ago, burrall be keeping me eye on you from now on and every time ya makes a pig of yerself I'll bat ya round't bluddy yed wi' summat wet and smelly!"

"Ta Bel. That might teach me some manners!"

"Now eat the rest of yer breakfast nicely or I'll cancel me plans for later!"

"Okay!"

He finished his toast and beans off, which he'd saved for last, then mopped the plate clean with his tongue.

"That were bluddy good. Thanks Missus Shepherd. Thanks Bel!"

Neither of them answered but both of them glared at him.

Paaarip!

"Oops, sorry! Thackle be them beans!"

"Ya nasty owd sod! Don't you dare ever lick yer bluddy plate when yer out wi' me. Go and get yer carrier bags. We'll have't set off soon!"

"Reet owd lass. How far are we going this time?"

"I wish I could tek ya to't bluddy moon and drop ya off, burra cawn't ger'a trip on a spaceship!"

"Ta Bel. I think I might be a bit lonely and bored on't moon all by meself!"

"That's as may be bur'at least ya couldn't ger'in any more bother!"

"Well, wherever yer takin' me I promise I'll be good!"

"Tha'd better't!"

© Mollie M
27.01.04

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Another good read Mollie. I can't believe Bel chucked Crusty into the skip at the tip!! Whatever next So what's happened to the bird, hope somebody's been feeding it whilst Crusty's been staying at the posh house

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Aw, thanks again for reading, Marian. You shall see what becomes of the parrot - eventually.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

139

Crusty Chomps
(and Bel Trifles!)

After breakfast, she made him go for his carrier bags which she'd instructed him to pack the night before, and when he came back downstairs she was already waiting in a taxi at the front of her house.

Bel leaned over the startled driver and started honking loudly on the horn.

"Come on Crusty. Yer keeping't taxi waiting!"

The driver's poor ears rattled on the sides of his head.

Lollop, shuffle, skid, trip!

"Sorry Bel. I didn't know we was going in a taxi. Weer is it we're goin'?"

"Just ger'in and shurrup! Right driver, you know where we're going!"

"Yes ma'am!"

Mrs Shepherd and Palethorpe waved bye-bye from the front door step as they watched Bel and Crusty drive off.

"How come't driver knows where we're goin' bur'I don't?"

"Shurrup I said! He needs to know, but you don't!"

Crusty's face was a picture when he realised that they'd been driven to Manchester Airport and he started bouncing about on the back seat of the taxi.

"Weer is it yer takin' me Bel? Weer is it?"

"Paris, and stop bouncing about!"

"Paris? Where's that Bel? Is it abroad, only I don't think I've fetched me passport wi' me?"

"I've getten it in me bag. I nicked it out o' yer drawer when ya weren't looking, an'am keeping howd of it just in case ya ger'it into yer daft soft yed that ya want to go sneaking off somewhere without telling me! Tha'll only end up somewhere bluddy daft again!"

"Oh reet. So where's Paris then Bel?"

"It's in France Crusty."

"France? In't that where them funny lickle men wear bunches of onions round their necks and they wear lickle black berrits wi' a pimple on't top?"

"Berets, not berrits ya daft clod!"

He thumped himself in the head.

"I wish I'd known. Am sure I've gor’a lickle black berrit somewhere in me outfit drawer. I could've put me French outfit on! Will ya buy me one when we get there?"

"Only if ya shut yer trap while we're on't plane. Tha'll favver bluddy weel in one, bur'if it's wot ya want I'll get ya one. Hey! I've just had a brilliant idea! Why don't I get ya a little beret, a bunch of onions and a concertina? A lorra people call them squawk boxes so it should suit you down to't ground!"

"Thar'is a brilliant idea Bel, ta very muchly. If I had all them, I could wear 'em at me lickle caff and have a French outfit day while I'm takin' me orders and doing me moppin', an'a could serenade 'em while they're aytein'!"

She had it on her!

"That's a brilliant idea owd lad, especially from you! Better still! I could get ya a French maid's outfit. It'll look better than that pinny and baseball cap that ya wear!"

Smirk!

"Ta Bel! Yet another brilliant idea! Which aeroplane are we goin' on?"

"We'll have't wait till our flight's called owd lad and then we can go."

"Will we ger’a brekkie on't plane?"

"Ya've only just etten ya greedy owd pot bellied pig! In any case, it'll only tek an hour or so, so stop yer bluddy squawking about grub!"

"Sorry Bel!"

Once they'd landed, there was a car waiting for them at the airport terminal and Crusty and Bel were whisked off to a rather nice motel. She would have preferred a top class hotel, but didn't dare risk it with Crusty in tow.

They were shown to their rooms and an hour later Bel rapped on Crusty's door.

"Who is it?"

"It's your Bel come a-caaaaalling! Are ya ready for a feed owd lad? It's lunchtime now. Are ya hungry me smelly owd stinkin' mogwump? Are ya hungry?"

Is Demis Roussos incredibly fat?

The door opened wide and a grinning Crusty greeted her.

"Yis Bel. Wot sort o' grub do they sell here? Have they gor'any pie shops?"

"No lad, they don't have pie shops! Come on. I'm taking ya down the Champs Elysee!"

"Chomps o' wot Bel? Is it a restaurant? Am ready for a chomp!"

"Come on!"

They went for a stroll and Bel bought him a little black beret, which he pulled onto his head Benny Hill style. She fixed it properly for him and, as predicted, he did indeed favver bluddy weel!

She tried to explain to Crusty what the Champs Elysee was, but he was too busy thinking about food and swanking in his new hat.

"Si' thi'. Tha's pulled that bluddy beret down again. It favvers a pancake on't top of yer yed!"

"I like it bestest like this Bel 'cos it keeps all't top o' me yed warm!"

"I know but tha' favvers bluddy weel wi' it like that!"

"Leave me alone!"

They passed smart street cafes and bistros, and his nose was bobbing up and down in appreciation, until Bel suddenly stopped him at 3 Rue Royale.

"Neh then fettler. This is the place where yer not going!"

"Well if we're not goin' in here Bel, why've we stopped!"

"This is probably one of the finest eating houses in the whole world Crusty, an'a wanted ya to have a look at wot yer missing 'cos of yer piggy eating habits. This is Maxim's!"

He saluted the front of the building in a respectful manner. Respectful because his Bel had told him it was one of the finest eating establishments in the whole world. A tear came to his eye again as he realised why she couldn't take him in there.

"Oh aye! I remember ya telling me about Mr MacSimm's caff!"

She looked towards Heaven and said a silent prayer.

"It's not bluddy Mr MacSimm's caff, ya ignorant owd goat. This is MAXIM's and this is the restaurant where the best people in the world go. That's why I can't take you in!"

"Oh sorry Bel. Well I tell ya wot! Why don't you go in an' have a good slobber an' I'll sit on this bench here till ya've done, and ya can fetch me out a takeaway for me't have a hanch on!"

She stared at him in disbelief. He really had no idea whatsoever.

"They don't do bluddy takeaways!"

Just at that moment Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones walked passed them, and were about to go into the restaurant for lunch.

"Bel, Bel, look Bel! That's Kirk Douglas an' his daughter goin' into't caff!"

Bel slapped her hand over his mouth just as the couple turned and stared at Crusty.

"Keep yer fat slobbery gob shut! That's MICHAEL Douglas and that's his missus, nor'is bluddy dowter!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Ya see now why I can't take ya in there? There'll be a lorra famous people an' ya'll only insult 'em and show me up!"

"I understand Bel. Is there anywhere ya can take me?"

She had a little think then had a bright idea.

"Yes lad, there is. Come on."

She linked her arm in his and marched him off to a side street. They could hear music coming from somewhere at the bottom of some stairs so they went down and found themselves in a scruffy, but clean, little cafe where Bel ordered some food for them and a glass of red wine each.

"Neh, this is more like it Bel!"

"I thought ya'd like it lad. D'ya remember years ago when we went into that pub and they were serving free food, and it turned out we'd crunched our way through some bluddy snail shells? It were French food that night?"

"I do that Bel. They had some things called horses doovers as well didn't they?"

"That was French an' all lad, bur'it's pronounced hor's d'oeurves!"

"Well they tasted like horses doovers anyway!"

She snickered at him.

"Them champions were good though Bel! Mushrooms weren't they?"

"Champignon ya daft owd dodo!"

A waiter heard her and went over to the table with a flourish.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Bon jour madam! Champignon?"

"No lad. Sorry! I weren't asking for any mushrooms. I were just explaining to Crusty that champignon isn't pronounced champion!"

"Pardon madam?"

"Oh it dun't matter. We don't want owt lad as we've already ordered!"

"Parlez vous Francais madam?"

"YEH! BLUDDY SODDY OFFY! WE DON'T WANT NOWT!!"

The poor waiter's long droopy moustache stood on end and he took three steps back.

"Well anyway Bel, them mushrooms were proper champion!"

The waiter sidled quietly over to Crusty.

"Monsieur? Si'l vous plait? Champignon?"

"Eh?"

Bel stood up, towering over the little waiter and opened her mouth to bellow at him but, before she could, he dashed off with his tea towel covering his head.

Crusty slurped his boullabaise, which is fish soup, not knowing what it was, and then they had a plate of beef bourgignon apiece, and Crusty's big snout went into overdrive when the aroma filtered up his great hairy nostrils. Finally, some hot cheese and garlic baguettes were brought to them, which they devoured very quickly. For their sweet, they had profiteroles topped with cream.

He munched and burped enjoying himself and then suddenly they heard the sound of a piano accordian coming from somewhere. Crusty's head spun round trying to work out where it was coming from.

His dream came true on seeing a little fat man with a string of onions around his neck and wearing a black beret. He was playing to the customers at their tables and Crusty couldn't wait for their turn to come.

Eventually the minstrel found himself at Crusty and Bel's table and, because Crusty was so excited, his tongue dropped out of his head and plopped into his half empty coffee cup. On seeing this, the man squealed in horror, turned and fled in the other direction, but Crusty leapt off his chair and went after him.

"Hexcusey me mister Froggy personage! Howld up! D'ya know any George Formby songs?"

The man stopped running and turned to face Crusty.

"Pardon monsieur?"

"Am nor’a Miss Ewer. Am a Crusty Nibbleswick!"

"Pardon monsieur. Je comprende non!"

"Eh? Can ya not speyk proper English? It were like this in America when that lickle wench didn't know wor’a bacon butty were. Bel? Why cawn't nobody speyk proper English like wot thee and me con?"

"Shurrup."

The accordian player shrugged his shoulders and went to a more appreciative audience.

Paaaaahrip, graaaawp!

"Grawp? That's a new one owd lad!"

"Yeh! I've bin practising different farts! I've getten a few different ones now!"

"Dirty owd sod!"

There was a terrible farty smell of fish, cheese, garlic and beef and onion and it started wafting around the cafe. Of course there were no windows, it being a basement establishment, and the only thing the customers could do was hold their noses.

Within a few moments most of them started turning blue and rushed up the stairs into the street to get some fresh air, leaving Crusty and Bel alone, apart from the cafe staff, who all dashed into the kitchen and shut the door with a slam, thereby containing the pong within the dining area. Crusty watched the last of them leave then turned to his Bel who now had her peg on her nose.

"Reet Bel! I've finished me snap. Wot do we do now?"

"We're going for a nice little walk along the Seine! I need some fresh air after you've bin doing the Fartette Voluntary again!"

He tapped his hearing aid as the battery was going flat again.

"Is he here?"

"Is who here?"

"Mad Sam Insane!"

"I said - we're goin' for a walk along the SEINE. The River Seine, ya deef owd fart!"

The tables had started rattling and dancing around them and Crusty flinched back.

"Oh sorry Bel. Is there some water in that River?"

"Ger'out through that bluddy door will ya and stop acting bluddy daft!"

"Am nor'acting Bel!"

They strolled along the Seine for half an hour with arms linked like an old married couple. They'd spent several hours in the cafe eating everything in sight, and by now it was six o'clock, and the moon was full, which was perfect for young lovers.

"Bel?"

"Wot?"

"When are ya goin't tek that peg off yer nose?"

She'd forgotten about it so unclipped it, wondering how many people had seen her with it on. She felt foolish thinking about how she'd walked the streets of Paris with a peg on her nose, and that people would have probably talked about her.

"Crusty?"

"Worisit Bel?"

"How come I'm in Paris, the Romance Capital of the World, strolling along the banks of the Seine on a beautiful moonlit neet with an owd fart face like thee?"

"'Cos ya fetched me wi' ya Bel!"

"Paris is the city of love and romance and who am I here with? Crusty bluddy Nibbleswick. A smelly owd barrel o' farts that wouldn't know bluddy romance if it bashed him in't gob!

"Sorry Bel. Is there any way I can make it romantical for ya? D'ya want me't give ya a lippy kiss?"

She shuddered, then stopped and looked down at him.

His eyes were sad and woeful, and just then he was wishing he were a tall handsome young movie actor like Errol Flynn, Mel Gibson or Michael Douglas whom he'd seen earlier on. But he wasn't. He was only a Crusty Nibbleswick, a five foot four owd fart and hadn't a clue about romance.

"Hang on Bel! I've just had a thowt. You sit yerself down on this bench here and I'll be back in a lickle jiffy."

"Well don't get yerself lost!"

He whooshed off and a moment later he appeared on the bench at her side.

"Here y'are Bel. Is this romantical? I've heard folk say thar'if ya gives yer ladylove a single flower it means ya loves her!"

He handed her the flower he'd just got from nearby, and gave her a lop-sided grin like a big daft lad.

She snatched it off him and tutted.

"Ta very much, ya tight owd turd! A gentleman usually hands his lady a single red rose, burra suppose this dandelion'll have't do!"

"Didda do summat bad Bel? I picked it special!"

"Ne' mind! It's the thought that counts. Come on lad. It's time we were gerrin back to't motel, bur'it's time for summat ayte again so we'll try another little caff a bit nearer to where we're staying. We'll not run short of caffs in Paris as there's thousands of 'em."

"Will we try every one of 'em then Bel?"

"No lad! We'll not be here that long!"

"Wor’a pity!"

"Greedy owd sod!"

They got up from the bench and as they strolled off Bel threw the dandelion over her shoulder.

After they'd eaten yet another hearty meal, they were topped up from the food, coffee and wine so had an early night. Bel had planned something else special for Crusty the next day, but unfortunately she'd completely forgotten about something.


A continental breakfast was served to them the following morning, and Crusty looked down at his plate with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Wot's this Bel?"

"That's yer brekkie so ger'it etten!"

"This is nor’a brekkie Bel. There's only a bit o' toast and marmalade and some other bits and bobs. This is not wor'I calls a brekkie."

"D'ya want an English breakfast then owd lad? This is what they call a Continental breakfast!"

"Well I don't want an incontinence breakfast Bel! I want a fry up like I have a'wom!"

"Alreet lad, calm down. Garcon!"

The waiter came over and she ordered two full English breakfasts, and when he'd disappeared Crusty leaned over to his Bel.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Bel?"

"Wot?"

"Does that man have an arse in his name, like that Arse Clenchgripper in America?"

"Arse? Worra ya on about now?"

"Well! When ya called him over ya called him summat Arse!"

"I didn't call him summat Arse. I called him Garcon! That's the French word for waiter!"

"Oh I see. So does that make me a garcon as well then?"

"Yis luv, it does, and yer an arse as well. Well! Pr'aps nor’a full arse. Just an arsehole! Now get yer brekkie etten nicely when it comes!"

"I'll have't have a word wi' Jim when I get back. Pr'aps we can have a proper French day in't caff and I can be't garcon!"

"We'll see!"

Once they'd finished breakfast, Bel took Crusty out again for another nice walk. They were reasonably close to the Eiffel Tower and that was where she was taking him today.

"Where are we off to this time then Bel?"

"To the Eiffel Tower owd lad! Now! Wot d'ya think about that?"

"A trifle tower Bel? Is it a big tower in't shape of a trifle? Has it got cream and cake and blancmange and jelly and custard and ......... sluuurp!"

Smack!

"Belt up ya daft looking deef owd lavvy bag!"

"Ouch! Me ear hole! Sorry Bel. Did I do summat wrong again?"

"Now lissen and watch my bluddy lips. I said the Eiffel Tower, not the bluddy trifle tower. Tha's getten food on't brain!"

"I thowt ya said thar'ave not gor’a brain Bel. You said I only had one brain ce .....

"Will ya shut yer steaming great cake hole?"

"Okay Bel, shurrin up now!"

"Good! Now then, it's a big tower, a bit like Blackpool Tower only this one's a lot taller. We're going up it and when we get to't top we'll be able't see all over Paris!"

"Oh I see Bel. Well if it's taller than Blackpool Tower how will we get to't top?"

A reasonable question wouldn't you think?

"Well lad there's only one way up so we'll have't ger'in't lift and then ...... oh bugger! Yer not so keen on lifts are ya owd lad?"

"Am not Bel. We'll have't go up the stairs instead!"

"We cawn't climb all the way to't top owd lad. It'd tek us a week and we'd need a bluddy iron lung when we got to't top!"

"Is there no other alternative then Bel? I wouldn't want to spoil yer day looking from't top o't tower!"

"Oh yes lad. There's always an alternative!"

With a grim expression on her face, Bel paid for them both and they entered the tower. There was quite a queue with people of all nationalities chattering excitedly around them, and just as the lift arrived and Crusty started squawking, she wrapped her coat around his head so that he wouldn't be able to see what was happening. Then, making sure no one was watching, she swiftly brought her fist down in a pile driver on top of Crusty's head, knocking him out cold.

His knees folded and he slumped, but she held onto him tightly under her arm and dragged him into the lift. A few people noticed that the old man looked a little dazed, but Bel was one step ahead as usual.

"He's alright. He's just had a little too much wine to drink and he's passed out. He'll come round again by the time we reach the top!"

They smiled, looking sorry for him.

One man looked particularly concerned about him and spoke to Bel, in English.

"Poor old chap! Are you sure he will be alright madam? I'm a doctor so if you want me to have a look at him ........"

"Oh no, thank you anyway. It's kind of you for being so concerned, but this has happened before. He's not used to your wonderful wine monsieur doctor, but he'll be fine!"

The lift started its ascent of the tower. Up and up and up it went. Halfway up Crusty groaned as he started to come round and, as he was still under her coat, she rolled up her fist and chinned him, again sending him back to be-bo's.

When the lift finally stopped, she dragged him out and draped him casually over the perimeter railing with his tongue dangling down while she enjoyed the view. The fresh air was breathtaking and the view outstanding.

Suddenly she heard another groan, then a shriek.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Aaaargh!! Bel, Bel, help me Bel! I'm up in'th air again burrave not gor’a plane underneath me an'ave no parachute an'a think I'm goin't be sick Bel. Help me! Ouch, me bluddy chin hurts!"

She took hold of him and pulled him away from the railing with her arm firmly around his shoulders.

"Yer okay owd lad. I had to lamp ya one to knock you out while we were in't lift. We're at the top now so have a look at the view!"

Still dazed he looked out, then started galloping around the top of the tower looking at the city below, owd black jacket flying out like a flag behind him.

Paaaaaarip!

"We're a long way up Bel. Amma safe?"

"As safe as ya'll ever be wi' me owd lad. I'll not let ya fall so don't start yer fretting and whingeing, not to mention farting, now behave!"

"Okay!"

He tentatively poked his big nose over the barrier to see what he could see. Bel had put her arm up his owd black jacket and grabbed hold of his braces and when he leant a bit too far over, she used the elasticity to boing him back again.

"Bel?"

Boing!

"Wot?"

Boing!

"I've just had a thowt!"

"Wot wi'? Ya can only think when ya've getten brains!"

"I know Bel, burrave still had a thowt!"

"Well worisit then?"

"How do I get back down again?"

"Neh thar'is a thowt owd lad. Well! There's only one way."

"D'ya mean ya'll have't punch me again for when we ger'in't lift?"

"Yis lad, sorry!"

"That's okay Bel. Bel? How many times did ya punch me coming up, only I've gor’a lump on me yed and me chin hurts as weel. I think it's bruised!"

"I know owd luv. Sorry about that. Ya started coming round when we were only half way up so I had to give ya a second punch to put you out again!"

"Oh reet. Ta Bel. Yer very considerate!"

"Don't mention it owd lad!"

They spent about half an hour up there and by then Crusty had had enough and was cold. He hadn't thought to put his OBJ on, and th'owd black jacket wasn't really keeping him warm.

"Alreet then owd lad, we'll go now. Ya'd best shut yer eyes for a minute while I give ya another punch."

"D'ya have to Bel only me yed's throbbin' as it is?"

"Ya can go down in't lift as y'are if ya want owd lad and say yer little ditty for when yer frikky on't way down."

"Yis please Bel. I think I'll wrap me owd black jacket round me yed so tharra cawn't see where I'm wenting from, and I'll say me lickle ditty dead quiet to meself. Will that be okay Bel?"

"Yes it will, me festerin' owd mogwump. Let's go shall we? Are ya ready?"

"Yis Bel!"

They got back down to ground level and Bel took him into a nearby cafe for a good meal to help him get over his trauma. He soon forgot things when he was gobbling away at food.

"Where to next Bel?"

"Tomorrow I'm going to take you on a special surprise owd lad. It's something ya've wanted to do for a long, long time so I'm going to help yer wish to come true."

"That sounds interesting Bel, burra cawn't imagine wor'it might be. We don't have't go up anymore towers or in any more lifts though do we?"

"No lad! No more towers and no more lifts. Have a guess where I'm taking you ya Goofy owd sod!"

"I've no idea Bel. Givvus a clue!"

"I just did! Well there's a planet in our solar system called Pluto! Does that give ya a clue owd lad?"

"Nnnnnope!"

"Okay then. Wot's a shorter name for Michael?"

"Mike!"

"Another shorter name for Michael!"

"Er ..... Mick!"

"Longer than Mick!"

"Mickey? Yer tekkin' me to a Mickey Rooney film?"

"No lad. Yer a proper Goofy owd sod aren't ya?"

"I am that Bel, burra still cawn't think where yer tekkin' me!"

"Have ya ever driven a Minnie, owd lad?"

"No Bel. I've driven all sorts o' cars burrave never driven a Mini. Why?"

She sighed and gave up.

"Ne' mind me owd fruit bun. Ya'll find out tomorrer!"


© Mollie M
10.02.04