Cute Little Kittens: A Story of Near Death and Destruction
A friend called the other morning asking to borrow a pet carrier to transport three feral kittens to the veterinarian for examinations and vaccinations, with the goal of having them spayed/neutered when the time was right.
The kittens had been prowling around his house for some time and had access to a garden shed where they could get out of any stormy weather. With ample food and water, those kittens were going nowhere. Realizng that he now had permanent house guests, Mike was socializing them to the point that they would now approach him and were somewhat willing to be picked up and held...
With a weak spot for anything as cute as kittens and puppies (because I am forever adopting seniors and basket cases), I jumped at the opportunity so enjoy the little ones and drove over to lend a hand. Upon arrival, Mike was already in the yard with a neighbor whom he had enlisted to help. Both men were big, athletic, agile, and smart enough to handle getting three kittens on the road, making this task a piece of cake - or so I thought.
Unbeknownst of their impending fate, the kittens played carefree, leaping about a rope hammock like it was a jungle gym. I sat with my knees to my chest on the lawn, thoroughy enjoying the kittens exploits while half-listening to Mike and Bill construct their battle plan for getting the kittens from that hammock into a pet carrier. With a foreboding sense of doom, I volunteered "Would you like me to help?"
"No, no, thank you, we've got it."
Ah, no words would ever be proven to be more mistaken.
The idea was a surprise attack - to grab them all at once (good luck with that), get them into a single carrier (bad idea) and then close the door as quickly as possible (I am wondering where they keep the antiseptic).
In three, two, one..chaos, noise, and explosions reigned down in a manner that can only be likened to the big bang.
Mike missed the first kitten that shot like an arrow towards Bill as he was grabbing the second. Startled, Bill let go of the second that was clawing him mightily, as the first richocheted off of him howling and shooting up the nearest coconut tree. With only one in reach, Mike spun and tried to grab him but he tripped and fell into the hammock, spinning and wrapping himself up like a fly in a spider web. It was approximately at this point that the cursing began.
While Mike tried to unravel himself from the ropes, Bill was able to grab the second kitten but, in a confused and painful state that arose as the second bit and clawed him repeatedly, he forgot the carrier and ran to the car where he tossed the kitten inside and slammed the door shut. "Got him!"
In the meantime, Mike, now free of his ropey constraints, stumbled back to his feet and began to lure the second kitten from the tree with some fish with an odor so strong that it would raise the dead. Somehow, Bill got the third and like the other, it chewed him unmercifully as he ran across the yard holding the dangling kitten in front of him. Shouting epithets like bullets, Bill drew the attention of two neighbor children who stopped on their bicycles and were now leaning over their handlebars and staring slack-jawed at the circus before them.
"Door, door, door!" Bill shouted. I managed to fling open the car door just as he managed to get the howling, hissing, spitting, biting "spawn of the devil"
as Bill was so affectionately calling him, into the car.
While Mike got the last kitten down from the tree, we began to worry about the temperature inside the car. So, as Mike approached the car with the third kitten, Bill jumped into the driver's seat, turning on the ignition and air conditioning, which sent the kittens into a melee of wild panic. Alone in the car with the three darling (and I do mean that they were as cute as can be) kittens were clawing up the seats and ricocheting off of every surface - including Bill - who had one arm covering his face and head while the other swung randomly about trying to fend off claws and teeth. By now, the din in the car was a mix of pierced screams, foul words, and crashing sounds as mirrors and other items in the car were knocked about. The whole car rocked in jerks and spasms.
One cat dived under a seat, a second was ripping the passenger seat to shreds and a third was quite literally hanging upside-down from the ceiling of the car. Mike, less worried about the condition of his friend being mauled than the state of his upholstery, became protective of his not-so-precious-car. He flung open the car door at which cats burst out from inside like air from a popped balloon.
We all stood there, some bleeding, some with rope burns, some with partially severed limbs, and some in shock while the kittens shouted angry and howling from the bushes near the hammock.
Without a sound, with blood oozing from his cut up hand, Mike limped over to his phone, dialed some number, and then asked, "Hello, I hate to do this, but would it be possible to reschedule my appointment for another day? in a voice so calm, so controlled, so professional that I did what anyone would do....
I collapsed in paroxysms of laughter.
Anyone in need of a kitten? They are free to a good home...