Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
His mouth was too full to answer her so he laboriously chewed, munched and hanched until it was all swallowed, then he looked up at her piteously with tears in his eyes.
"Don't you look at me like that! I will make yer bluddy eyes water if ya ever cooks owt for me again. This is the last time EVER! Neh then, get the bluddy rest of it down yer throat."
"But Bel!"
"But nowt! Ger'it etten or I'll dreyn thi' like thi' mother should've done when they were sailing o'er here on that raft!"
"Reet Bel, ta very muchly! I don't like peynut butter though!"
"Tough, and will ya take that bluddy crash helmet off!"
-oo0oo-
Sunday - one week later.
Drrrring, drrrring!
Bel went to answer the phone in her night dress. It was ten past seven in the morning. She knew who it was going to be, but she checked the digital read-out just to be sure.
It was him again.
"Wot do YOU want? Ya've just wakened me up again! Have ya made me another sh!tty cake to turn me stomach? Wor'ave ya pur'in it this time? Some bits o' left over cauliflower? No! Let's see. I know! Ya've put some minced kangaroo turds in it this time, yum, yum!"
"Morning Bel. Just thowt I'd give yer a ring. Am sorry about me cake last week. I don't know wor'append. One minute it was all lovely and spongy, and't next minute it
tasted 'orrible!"
"It could have had something to do with that Peynut Butter that ya pur'in th'icing, wot do you think?"
"Could've been Bel, burram not sure. Please don't punish me Bel."
"Ya've already bin punished when I made ya eat all't rest of it!"
"Oh aye. I never thinks of aytein' as a punishment as it's nearly always a pleasure, bur'on this occasion, I teks yer p
oink!"
She rolled up her eyes and waited for him to speak again.
"Bel, are ya theer?"
"Yes. Wor'else did ya want to moider me about at ten past seven on a Sunday bluddy morning?"
"Well as a special sorry, will ya come to my house later an' I'll cook us a ....."
"DO YOU NEVER LISSEN TO A BLUDDY WORD I SAY? YER NOT COOKING OWT FOR ME EVER AGAIN!"
When she'd raised her voice again he scuttled off to the other side of his hallway, telephone still in his hand and to his ear, so he'd still got the full blast.
"No Bel. I meant I could open a few tins and cook ya a nice meal. That way the only people ya could blame would be them as pur'all't stuff in't tins in't first place!"
"Crusty! I shall say this just once more and if you ever mention it again I'll batter the bluddy daylights out of ya. I - DO - NOT - WANT - YOU - TO - COOK - FOR - ME - ANYMORE! Reet?"
"Reet owd lass. Bel, as it's Sunday again today, why don't ya come round to my house and we can sit in me garding an' have a nice cup o' tea? That's if yer not too busy doin' owt else!"
"Well it looks like it's going to be a gorgeous day again even if it is October so alright, I will. I'll come at about half ten, so don't make the tea till I get there, otherwise it'll be stewed, okay?"
"Great Bel. I could just ayte some stew, even if it is only early! Will ya bring me lickle black vinyl boots back wi' ya please Bel?"
"Oh aye. I'd forgetten about them bluddy owd festerin' things. They've been here a week!"
"Ta Bel, only it's a bit of a bugger having't keep go sliding about in these carrier bags all't time. It's worse than when I wore me coconut shoes."
"Weer's yer crummy owd deck shoes? Ya've gor’a pair o' pumps an' all haven't ya? Couldn't ya have put them on instead o't carrier bags?
"They're all in me room havin' a fester wi't th'owd blue jumper, and they're not fit for human consumption at the moment as they stink rotten, both pairs. I can smell 'em from here!"
"Okay then, see ya soon!"
When she arrived she went straight through to the back where she found Crusty sat on one of the patio chairs with a newspaper in front of him. He appeared to be studying hard.
"Hello lad, I'm here. Worra ya doing? Yer not trying't do a crossword are ya? Ya'll be theer till Kingdom bluddy come!"
"Hiya Bel. No, am trying't win a prize. It's here in't newspaper thar'if ya makes up a jingle and it gets first prize, ya wins bottles o' pop for a whole year!"
"And have ya done yer jingle owd lad? Yer good at poetry so ya shouldn't be having all that much trouble!"
"Well I've done some Bel. Will I read it out to ya?"
"It's not three bluddy pages long is it? I think they only like about four lines or summat like that!"
"Oh no Bel. Let me read ya this bit, burrave getten a lickle bit stuck!"
He started reading.
Juicy Lucy lifts my heart
Makes me fat and makes me ...
"That's as far as I've getten Bel. Wot rhymes wi' heart?"
Paaar-rup!
"Sorry Bel. Wot rhymes wi' heart?"
"Fart!"
He snickered.
"Oh aye. That's a good 'un Bel. Neh let's see wot we've getten."
Juicy Lucy lifts my heart
Makes me fat and makes me fart
"I'll have't think of another two lines at least Bel!"
"Well you carry on wi' wot yer doing, an' I'll go an' make us a nice brew!"
She disappeared into the kitchen and left Crusty with furrowed brow. Ten minutes later she carried out the two mugs and set them on the table.
"Hast getten any further lad?"
"Hush a minute Bel. Am trying hard to constipate!"
She stifled a snicker.
"How's about this bit then lad, to add to yer jingle?"
It's a knockout, it's a gas
Makes a stink come out yer ass
"Aw Bel. Don't start mekkin' fun o' me again. I cawn't put thar'in. I'll never win if I put thar'in! In any case, it's not catchy enough!"
"Well gimme some o' that newspaper. Ya can't read it anyway so I don't know wot ya gor'it for in't first place."
"Oh! I gor'it 'cos there was a free CD in it this morning!"
"Wot d'ya want a CD fo'?"
"Dunno really burra just thought it would be nice to start a collection off 'cos every now and then ya gets a free CD in different Sunday newspapers!"
"But ya've not gor’a CD player't play it on, ya festerin' owd mogwump!"
His bottom lip curled down in a sulk then, just as suddenly, he brightened up again.
"Well ya could buy me one for me birthday next month!"
"I thowt ya wanted a new mobile phone!"
"Oh that's reet, I do. Well can ya buy me a CD player for me Chrissy pressie then please Bel?"
"I'll think about it. Now givvus that newspaper here and let me have a read while yer composing yer jingle!"
"Okay owd lass. Here ya go!"
For the next hour Bel read the newspaper and Crusty would slowly jot something down on a pad, have a little mutter, rip off the page, screw it up into a ball and throw it over his shoulder, then start again.
Bel had never known anything that kept him this quiet. She'd have to remember it for the future.
After the hour had passed, Bel looked up and stretched her legs. Crusty was still going at it so she decided to make another cuppa.
As she stood up she looked around.
"Crusty! Wot the bluddy hell hast bin doin'?"
He jumped.
"I've done nowt Bel, honest I've not. I've just bin sat sitting here doing me jingle!"