04-01-2018, 10:22 AM
4186
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Dear Lonely Hearts' Club,
Please be on notice that I am an independent agent acting on behalf of a private client who wishes to remain anonymous, as she is afraid of mices.
My client has a job counting ants for a small hardware shop and has recently become the object of desire for a silly old phart who for some unknown reason started to shower her with gifts.
Initially these presents were quite innocuous, but quite unusual in their choice, the first of which being bird of game in a fruit tree. More birds followed on a daily basis, each gradually increasing in size and number. Two doves with shells and the ability to swim underwater, three hens that had been trained to speak French, even though it is not a language common to either my client, to whom I shall refer as Miss Pert, nor her paramour, the old phart.
Next came four more birds of dubious pedigree that called to each other incessantly, making telephone enquiries to the shop quite difficult to comprehend.
After five rings of some shiny metal were received, Miss Pert contacted the Police as she was concerned they may be stolen. However it turned out that they were legitimately purchased, but were of fake gold so the Fraud Squad were contacted. This resulted in several undercover ossifers being installed in the shop, but this worried the staff and regular customers alike when they were seen repeatedly sticking their fingers in their ears and talking into their lapel button holes.
Subsequent to this, more avian gifts were received to the point where the shop was raided by the RSPCA who were concerned that the birds were not being properly cared for. Furthermore, complaints were received by customers who had to wade knee deep through thick foul smelling guano to browse, often finding nests amongst the cook pots in the kitchen department.
This then resulted in the hardware shop's café receiving a hygiene inspection from the local council
The local monastery and members of the Royal Family boot boys paid a visit and the owner was "warned off" as there were rumours that roast swan was on the menu.
Trading Standards also got involved when the shop owner decided to make the best of things by selling off goose eggs.
The environmental problems got worse with the arrival of a herd of cows accompanied by milkmaids.
Fights broke out over the ladies between the men who outnumbered the women by two to one.
Couples were caught "in the act" in cupboards and across product displays.
Visits were had from the noise abatement society and council environmental ossifers due to complaints from neighbours about incessant drumming coming from the shop, in addition to screaming cats (although this turned out to be a small group of itinerant Scotsmen playing bagpipes,) and small troup of travelling lady dancers.
The final straw came when Miss Pert discovers a bunch of ten Peers of the Realm jumping all over the place and smashing crockery as they went on a drunken rampage.
Miss Pert had been checked into a home for the menatally disturbed but is expected to make a full recovery once the gifts have stop coming and the shop is once again returned to the calm oasis it used to be.
Meanwhile, a cease and desist order has been issued against the old gent who started all this. Whilst it is believed his intentions were honourable, it is believed that he did not do a proper risk assessment before starting this debacle.
Yours. Proff F. Cake.