Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
101
Crusty - Dog's Best Friend
(and Bel Returns!)
"Oh, my God! This soldier's bleeding! MEDIC!!"
After her victorious return with her two prisoners, the short-lived celebrations stopped suddenly and panic set in. The field medic rushed to Bel's side to find out where the blood was coming from.
He very quickly discovered that a bullet had penetrated her left upper arm but, because of the amount of fat in that area, the bullet had lodged just half an inch inside instead of passing through.
Because the bullet had had such a lot of tissue to get through it had soon started to slow down which, in a way, was better because had it exited there could have been a lot more damage to the soft tissue.
She'd known immediately when she'd been hit but, nevertheless, like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger in an action packed movie, she'd picked up the loaded rocket launcher, slung it onto her shoulder like it weighed no more than a handbag, and blasted that encampment to hell.
She'd sat tittering and watched all the explosions from her safe distance for a while, making sure that there was nothing left of the ammunition, weapons and vehicles. She then did her best to wrap the wound until she could get back to the British Army unit but that was a day and a half's drive away!!
Fortunately it hadn't bled profusely but, because of the fact that she was under a great deal of pressure, the intense heat of the day, the intense cold of the night and because she had two whinging prisoners in the back, she was extremely tired and the loss of blood had eventually got to her.
It was pure nowtiness, and a lot of luck, that had driven her hard enough to get back to friendly territory and wouldn't allow a bullet of theirs to bring her down!
Or was it something greater from above "keeping vigil"?
Because of the wound she had received, she decided upon a suitable punishment for her prisoners, so she "forgot" to feed them, which is strictly in contravention of the Geneva Convention but, as a civilian in her Army outfit, she didn't think it counted. She let them groan from hunger in the back of the Land Rover for the next couple of days while she ate her Army rations, which had been severely depleted because she'd been away longer than expected.
She'd been bluddy hungry!!
She came round after about ten minutes and the medic performed a field operation on her arm giving her some gas and air while he removed the bullet.
He told her that she had to rest up for a couple of days before even considering making the dangerous return journey to England and for once, she did as she was told.
-oo0oo-
Meanwhile, back in England, Crusty and Palethorpe had got into a nice little routine. He'd made the decision to stay at his own house while she was away, thereby saving his petrol and all the to-ing and fro-ing to Mawdesley to feed the dog, so he'd brought Palethorpe back to Pemberton with him.
They'd been to Southport one day, and Crusty had taken Bel's frisbee with him so he could throw it across the beach for Palethorpe to chase. On its return, the dog would sling it up into the air from its mouth where the toy would float off on the wind and Crusty would hare off after it, his eight strands of hair swept back, and bring it back to Palethorpe between his teeth, dropping it at the dog's feet with a happy grin.
They'd both then sit down on the sand panting from their exertions, tongues dangling and dripping, and then they'd have a scratch and a nuzzle, then back to the game and every now and then they'd have a lap of water from one of the sh!tty little pools that had formed in the sand.
He'd liked playing this game with Bel before she left, and both pigmy and dog were having a wonderful time.
Crusty had known that he and the dog would be good company for each other, and on the fourth afternoon of Bel's absence, Crusty had a thought.
"Neh then Palethorpe. How d'ya fancy goin' for a nice lickle walk wi' me?"
Palethorpe looked up at him with gentle brown eyes and gave a little woof.
"Reet then, come on. I've getten yer lead here. I se'ed it hanging up on't back door at yer mam's so I fetched it wi' me! Come on lad, let's pur'it on!"
As Crusty approached, the little dog started growling.
"Wossup owd lad? D'ya not like havin' a lead on? Well we've got to otherwise we'll ger'in a lorra bother. Come on!"
"Growl, snap, bark, yap!!"
"Well alreet then. I'll tell ya wot we can do. Si' thi'!"
"Grrrrrr!"
Crusty put the dog collar around his own neck and gave the lead handle to Palethorpe then they set off on a nice walk to look at the shops in the village.
Palethorpe trotted proudly in front of Crusty with the lead in his mouth, and Crusty trotted happily along after him.
On their travels they met up with Faggie, Aggie and Maggie who were having a similar walk, window-shopping.
Maggie spotted him first.
"Si' thi', look who's here!"
All three of them stopped in their tracks and started cackling.
Aggie bent down and spoke to Palethorpe, patting him on the head.
"Neh then, hello lickle man. I can see yer tekkin' yer doggy for a walk. He's a fat owd bugger in't he! Phew! He dun't half bluddy stink. Ger'im in't bath when ya ger'im wom! He smells like he's been rollin' o'er in some sh!t! Wot's his name then, eh? Ya wot? Eeee, did ya hear that girls? He says his doggy's name is Arsewipe! Neh lissen lad, ya've getten't watch out for owd Arsewipe here ya know, especially when yer walking past lamp posts and trees, bur'if ya don't keep yer eye on him he'll cock his leg up on yer legs as well, nasty owd bugger!"
They all started cackling again and in turn they all patted Crusty on the head as they continued their walk.
Crusty was not amused, but Palethorpe appeared to have a wide grin on his face.
When they got home Crusty put the kettle on, and put a bowl of cold water down for the dog who slurped it up noisily and greedily.
"Sluurp, slop, slavver, sluuuur-up!"
He makes awful noises our Crusty!!
Only joking! Er .......
Crusty took his cup of tea into the living room then turned the telly on to watch the news while Palethorpe snuggled down on his blanket for a kip. He settled down in his old chair and paid attention to what was being said.
He'd had his eyes glued to the television ever since Bel left hoping to hear of some news about her. He didn't know why he thought there might be news about his Bel as he still hadn't worked out where she'd gone, but he just knew she was doing something she shouldn't.
Six days after his Bel had gone he heard that the Army had captured that Mad Sam Insane person and somebody else whose name he couldn't quite catch. He gave his hearing aid a tap.
"Mad Sam Insane? Wor'a funny name!"
They showed photographs of both prisoners who looked like they'd been involved in a plane crash!
Crusty snickered.
"I ber'it were my Bel that did that to 'em. I can tell her style. They've both getten lumps on their yeds and black eyes, and they've getten't same dazed expression on their faces!"
Then his heart grew sad again. He missed Bel so much and was still very worried about her, but he did as the Lord had instructed and put his faith in Him and his Bel.
There was nothing else he could do. He didn't know who to ring to enquire after her so he just moped around feeling useless.
Crusty went to his little job in the cafe the following morning only to find that Faggie, Aggie and Maggie were already in before him.
"Hey up, he's here now! Come on Arsewipe and get yer pinny on!"
"I'll not be a minute lass! Let me get me jacket off first!"
"He'll answer to owt won't he girls! Come on, let's givvim a lickle song:
How much is that doggy in the window
The one with the waggly arse
How much is that doggy in the window
I do hope that doggy dun't fart!
I don't want a plate o' lickle fishes
I don't want a pig's yed that talks
I just want to ayte some lickle biscuits
An'a do hope owd Arsewipe dun't fart!
They were at it again.
"Come on Arsewipe, shift yer tail and ger'agate. We're bluddy hungry. Three teas and some digestives!"
"Alreet, alreet, am doin' me best!"
He scuttled around and put his pinny on then got their order, which he very quickly placed before them, with extra saucers for their teeth.
Maggie patted him on the head and Crusty grinned with his tongue hanging out.
"Who's a good boy then? I like 'em well trained like that. I cawn't stand 'em when they're purrin their nasty paws on ya. Look at him! He's pantin' away! His bluddy tung's danglin' out drippin' an' he's done nowt yet! D'ya want a nice bowl o' cowd watter lad? Come on, shake a paw!"
"Will ya leave me alone! I were only tekkin't dog for a walk!"
"It looked like t'other road round to me lad! In any case, worra ya doin' wi' a lickle dog. Poor lickle bugger, havin't pur'up wi' you!"