Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
She opened her mouth again then closed it again.
"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?"
He started spinning around with his tongue dangling out, and had the widest grin she'd ever seen him with.
"D'ya like me outfit Bel? This is me cooking outfit."
He was wearing chef's whites complete with the tall toque, which made him look less like a pigmy.
"Where've ya getten them from?"
"I gor'em when we went to that carvery place t'other week Bel. When I went to't lavvy I spotted a set hanging up so I thowt they were spares."
"Burra didn't see 'em when ya came out and ya'd no carrier bag with ya for once."
"I know. I thowt about it and then I had another one of me brilliant ideas."
She rolled up her eyes again.
"Go on, burram not sure I'm goin't like this."
"Well all I did was I took me clobber off, put me outfit on, then put me clothes back on again over the top. I stuffed the hat inside the right shoulder of me owd black jacket so as nobody'd notice."
"If I ever ....."
"No shouting allowed today Bel. Today is Crisp Mus Day, so no shouting allowed. Come on and get some more food on yer plate and we'll make a start eh owd lass? I'll have some o' them things off the starter table as well for a change."
Eh!
When they'd finished, Crusty leapt up and removed Bel's empty plate and shoved it in the sink, which was already piled out with pots, pans and numerous items of other crockery.
He scuttled over to the other side of the room and picked up a carving knife and fork, still grinning, and hovered over the pork joint and the chicken awaiting instructions from his Bel.
Bel came over with a fresh plate and studied the table hard, then grinned at him.
"Where's your meyt Crusty? I'll have that lump o' pork and that chicken and a bit of everything else! It all looks bluddy good to me for a change! Have ya been taking lessons owd fettler?"
His faced dropped.
"Wot d'ya mean, where's mine? This is for between us."
Ignoring him, she stuck a big fork into the pork joint and put it on her plate, then stuck the fork up the 5lb chicken's arse and did the same with that.
Crusty just stood watching her. This wasn't how he'd planned it, and when she'd piled her plate up she went and sat down.
"Are ya not hungry today Crusty? I'm bluddy famished and this'll make a nice little snack. It'll put me on till we have our proper dinner!"
He stared at her with his mouth wide open then he trotted over to where she was sitting.
"But Bel thar'is our dinner! I were goin't have some o' that and tha's getten it all. I've worked hard all morning to make it really good for ya, and now ya leaves me wi' an empty bally!"
She started laughing then.
"Come on ya daft owd duffer. I'm only kidding. Get yer carving knife on this and share it out between us."
Face alight once more, he started slurping and slobbering while she watched him to make sure nothing dripped on the food.
Once his plate was piled up he sat down and started tucking in with absolute joy.
"I'll tell ya wot lad, these Yorkshires are bluddy belting. Did ya really make 'em yerself?"
"Grumph, mnyam, slurp, slobber, hanch!"
Head still down and mouth full of food he nodded his head mumbling then he swallowed with a loud gulp.
"I did that Bel. I found an owd recipe book and I copied exacertackerly wor'it said inside, an'a didn't pur'owt daft in 'em did I Bel?"
"Ya didn't lad. Ya gets full marks for serving me up a dinner I can bluddy-well ayte for a change, plus, an extra three points for yer gravy!"
"Ta Bel. I shoved some stuffing up this chicking's arse as well. Can ya taste it?"
"Yes lad. Yer stuffing is to die for. Everything's absolutely perfect for once."
"I really tried me very bestest to make everything good today, and me cooker didn't blow up like it did a couple o' years ago. I didn't add any sugar to me gravy this time neither!"
"Good lad!"
"D'ya remember wot we were doing this time last year Bel?"
"Aye, we were freezing our bluddy cobblers off in Antarctica!"
"I know, bur'it were good weren't it. It were quite a journey!"
"Aye, an' it cost me an arm an' a bluddy leg because of yer stupidity ya daft bugger.
You and yer bluddy Mombongo! But ne' mind owd lad. It were quite an experience!"
When everything in sight had been consumed except for the skeleton of the chicken, they sat back on their chairs, bellies a-bulge and sighed. The joint of pork looked as if a couple piranhas had had a do at it as Crusty had nibbled away on the bone for a while to make sure it was picked clean. It was quiet and peaceful now, their appetites had been sated and everything was ... well ... perfect.
Crusty was about to get up to do something, and he'd just managed to lift his left cheek off the dining chair.
Para-para-para - PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!!
"Crus-tee!"
"Sorry Bel!"
Paar-rip, blobble-blobble ..... oh-oh!
He zoomed off, overtaking the tiger rug, which was halfway up the stairs, in his haste to make it on time.
Bee-beep. He was doing his Roadrunner impersonation again!
The tiger cringed and ducked thinking it was about to be hauled back down again, but this time he got lucky and finally managed to creep into Crusty's spare bedroom which was never used.
As Crusty lolloped along like a penguin, knees together, he started to unfasten his trousers so that he'd only have to plonk himself down once he got there, and by the time he'd reached the bathroom they were halfway down his legs. He knew he didn't dare fart again till he got sat down otherwise he was sure to follow through.
But he wanted to - desperately!!
WHUUMPH!!
He sat down.
Aaaah!
Wollop! Relief! Luxury!!
"Wossat?"
He had a perplexed look on his face so he stuck his thumb in his mouth, which helped him to concentrate better. He'd done everything right. He'd got his trousers halfway down so that he'd be ready on time, and he'd managed to park his backside on the toilet on time, so what was that funny feeling under his bum?
Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to lift the lid up!
Poor old Crusty!
It took him nearly half an hour to clean up, and by the time he got back downstairs he found Bel just finishing the washing up.
He approached her timidly.
"Bel?"
"Ya don't need to explain. I heard everything that went on, ya nasty-arsed owd grot-bag! That's wor'appens when tha' aytes too many sprouts!"
"Am sorry Bel, bur'it's not really my fault. It's yours!"
"How d'ya make thar'out?"
"Because, it's a well-known fact that men never put the clozzit seat down and that ladies do. You were the last one on me bog, and ya put the seat down so it's your fault. I didn't notice before I sat down!"
"Ya know Crusty, ya never ceases to amaze me, burrall nor’argue wi' ya today, not while its Christmas!"
"I've cleaned up proper good Bel honest burra might still have a few more farts lingering about."
"What else is new? Well I'll check it out for meself later on as I don't trust your idea of cleaning, but for now let's sit down at the table, have another glass of wine, and talk!"
"Wor'about?"
"Anything ya likes."
"Well, tell me all about when ya was younger Bel. Wot did ya do for a job when ya left school and tek it from there."
"Alright Crusty. I've never told you about my younger days and the jobs I did before I married, but there's quite a tale to tell, an'ave had a few different jobs in me lifetime."
"You can tell me then Bel. I bet ickle be better than watching the telly."
"Reet Crusty. Well then, when I left school I went to College, then on to Manchester University mainly just to muck about like ya do, 'cos that's wot some of us young 'uns did in the sixties, but my father told me to buckle down so I did general business studies, accounting and that sort of thing. Anyway, I didn't really enjoy all that studying, burra did pass all me exams. Then I decided to get meself a career and ya'll never guess worra used to do Crusty."