Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

ha ha me too also am really pleased that he remembered to lift the toilet seat up He sounds very cosy sleeping in the shed

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

99

Crusty Gets Forgotten
(and Bel Starts Some Fightin' Talk!)

The next day Crustabel was getting increasingly worried about him. She'd been ringing him for ages, again, but there was no reply.

"Wor'as he gor'up to this time, the bluddy owd slag heap?"

She tried to imagine him lying there with stars circling his head like last time. Perhaps he'd bashed it again.

It was no use. She couldn't settle so she got into the car and drove round to his house.

"New Year's bluddy Day an'a still cawn't ger'any peace because of him!" she mumbled to herself whilst driving.

Half an hour later she knocked on his door. His car was there so he couldn't have gone very far and it was still quite early.

She banged on his door again threatening to take it off its hinges, but still there was no reply.

Fearful once more, she walked round to the back gate and let herself through to the garden and tried the kitchen door, which she found locked.

"Wot the bluddy hell? Has he found another bluddy Bermuda Triangle in Pemberton someweer? Hmmph! Chance'd be a fine bluddy thing, an' I don't have that sort o' luck!"

Returning to the front door she got out her key and inserted it into the lock, letting herself in.

"Crusty! Crusty, where are ya owd lad?"

She listened intently but heard no sound, so went round every room in the house to check on him to see what condition he'd got himself into this time, but there was no sign of him.

Then she noticed that the house looked eerily silent, like it hadn't been slept in. It didn't smell of any recently emitted bum explosions or trips to the toilet! There was a sort of sixth sense kicking in.

She'd left him at his front door last night, but hadn't actually seen him go in.

Once more she went round to the back garden and checked all the shrubbery and plants to make sure he hadn't fallen into a heap somewhere, hurting himself.

"Mind you, he wasn't drunk when I left him! I didn't give th'owd bugger time!"

In the relative quiet of the early morning, she suddenly heard a faint but familiar sound coming from her right.

"Oink, snort, mumble,” fart. “Oink, snort, mumble,” fart!

She went over to the shed and opened the door, and there he was, mouth agape and snorting like the proverbial pig!

Standing over him now, she peered with one eye down into his mouth and pulled a face. She poked him on the end of his nose and his mouth closed.

"Crusty," she called gently.

"Hummph!"

"Crusty owd lad, wake up!"

"Gara-gara-grumph!"

"CRUSTY OPPEN THI' BLUDDY EYES AND WAKKEN UP YA GROTTY-ARSED OWD DIMWIT!"

He leapt up in the air.

"Wossat, who's that, worrava done this time?"

Rubbing his eyes, he tried hard to focus in the dimly lit shed, then realised he was cold.

"Brrr. It's bluddy cowd. Weer amma? Who's that?"

"It's me, Crusty!"

"Ya cawn't be Crusty 'cos I'm Crusty!"

"Ya daft owd ditch rat. It's ME!"

"Oh hiya Bel. G'morning!"

"Wot the bluddy hell are ya doin' sleeping in yer shed? It's bluddy freezing in here, an' it stinks! Come on, out ya get!"

"Well I had to sleep in here Bel 'cos I didn't have me key wi' me't get back in last neet after ya'd left me on me own. I couldn't phone ya 'cos me phone's in me lickle hallway, inside me house."

He struggled to his feet out of the sun lounger while she helped him.

"Well why didn't you ask a neighbour if ya could use their phone?"

"Well I knocked on their doors Bel, but when they saw it were me they slammed 'em shut in me face!"

"Wor’a bluddy shame, ya poor owd bugger. But why didn't ya have yer key with ya lad?"

They'd just gone through Crusty's front door and Bel went to the kitchen to put the kettle on for a nice hot cup of tea to warm him up.

He just favvered one of those owd frozzen fossils you find in a big lump of ice.

"Well Bel ... it rhymes that ... when ya came for me last neet, ya hauled me out of the house by me throat, ya know like ya always does, but ya didn't gimme time to pick me keys up and me door slammed shut. I never thowt about me keys until I fished about in me pockets for 'em and couldn't find 'em!"

"Thar’as dim as a gas lamp! Ya should keep 'em in yer pocket when ya know I'm coming for ya! I'm sorry about that lad. I'll make it up to ya!"

"Ya mean ya didn't do it on purpose for a punishment 'cos I'd acted daft in't Club last neet?"

"No I didn't lad, bur'it would've made a good punishment that. I'll have to remember it for next time."

"So ya've punished me for nowt then really."

"No, not really! I didn't know ya were being punished did I? It's a good idea though so it'll come in for another time!"

"Bel, ya cawn't use the same punishment again once ya've used it, even if ya didn't mean to use it!"

"Alreet then. Shurrup and sup yer tea!"

Crusty beamed at her and accepted the cup of tea she handed to him.

"Oh goody! So that means I'm a punishment ahead then dun't it?"

"Well I suppose it does lad, bur'it dun't mean that ya can start acting bluddy daft again, burram just happy to see yer alreet! I was phoning ya for ages again, an'a had visions of ya lying flat out on't floor again wi' little birds flying round yer yed!"

"Ya really do look after me Bel. I don't know worrad do if I didn't have you looking after me."

"I know lad, an' I'd have nobody't punch every now and again. We really do need each other owd lad."

"We do that Bel. We make a beltin' team! So, wot's on the agenda for today then?"

"Nowt really, but while ya've spent all night in yer shed, I think I'll tek ya back to my house and cook us a nice dinner. Would ya like thar'owd lad?"

"I most certainly would Bel, an' we could play some games or summat like that eh?"

"Games! Wot sort o' games?"

"Oh, I'll think o' summat!"

"Reet, before we set off ya'd best ger’a wash and change yer clothes. Ya've slept in them and they're all creased up. Come on, up them stairs wi' ya and ger’a shower!"

"A shower? Wot do I want a shower fo'?"

"Well for a start ya'll smell a bit sweeter and it'll warm y'up. Ya've been frozzen in yer shed all neet!"

"Okay Bel. I'll be down in two minutes!"

"Make it ten and then I'll know ya've had a proper wash ya nasty owd Morlock!"

"Okay I will! Come't think of it ickle tek me that long to have a pee an' a ...."

"Get gone!"

She heard the shower running and Crusty bumping about in the bathroom and the toilet flush. Fifteen minutes later he re-appeared shining like a new pin.

"Wor'ast getten on this time Crusty!"

"Well I were that cowd tharra pur'extra clothing on, to keep me lickle chest warm."

"Yer lickle chest? I tell ya wot lad, Long John Silver would've been proud o' that little chest o' thine!"

"Why's that then Bel?"

"Because it's a sunken chest, and that's wot them bluddy owd pirates used't go looking for!"

He stuck his tongue out at her, but luckily for him she didn't see it.

Half an hour later, Bel pulled the Jag into the long drive which took them straight to her house.

"Ooh, it's been snowing here Bel. It's not been snowing where I live otherwise I could've made another owd snowmon!"

"Well let's say a prayer of thanks for that then, shall we?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Okay Bel. Our Father, who farts in Heaven ..........!"

"Belt up!"

"Sorry Bel."

Once they were inside, they took off their jackets, and Bel pushed him into her favourite living room which had a huge coal fire burning.

"Neh then, go an' get yer arse warmed on that lad while I go an' get some cookin' done!"

"Reet Bel, ta Bel. Am chillt to't bone!"

"And don't let yer bluddy arse catch fire again. I'm going to be on't t'other side o't th'ouse in me kitchen so I'll nor'hear ya if ya starts squawking!"

"I'll be careful Bel. Having me arse a-fire once in me life were enough!"

"Good lad!"

She set about with the cooking and put the radio on to listen to while she worked.

The news was on and she was listening to the forthcoming imminent war with Iraq, and the fact that our lads were being shipped out there.

"It's gerrin a bit too serious for my liking this is. Wot they need is to send somebody o'er theer, grab th'owd sod by his scummy neck and gi' him a bluddy good pastin'! I'd squeeze his bluddy yed like a festerin' pimple until it burst open if they left it up to me, the nasty owd bugger!"

She started peeling potatoes and began working out a war strategy.

"Hmmm! I know worrall do. I'll give our Charles a ring in't morning!"

She continued to listen to the news and got totally lost in thought, and a couple of hours later she started dishing out the lunch.

She'd heard enough by now, so she changed to a channel with some lively music on to brighten herself up with and started singing along to the song:

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love .....
It's the only thing
That there's just, too little of ....

"Aye, and that's exactly wot we all need. Not bluddy war where innocent folk gets killt for nowt!"

Another half an hour went by and Bel had thoroughly enjoyed the music. It had lifted her spirits just when they needed lifting on this New Year's Day.

She smacked her chops loudly.

"Mmm, delicious. It were bluddy good that. I'll just get these dishes sided up and then I think I'll give Crusty a ..............!!"

Just then a head popped round her kitchen door, and it was rubbing the sleep out of its eyes.

"Hiya Bel! Is me dinner cooked yet? I've had a nice lickle kip on yer sofa. It smells bluddy good in here an'am bluddy hungry, as usual."

He had a big lollopy grin on his face, but Bel's face was completely devoid of expression, apart from the fact that it had turned white.

"I'd forgetten you were here!"

"But ya did do some cooking though Bel, 'cos I can smell it!"

"I did that lad, burrave gone an' etten it all. I thowt I'd cooked a lot just for one person, even if that person were me!"

The lollopy grin disappeared and was replaced by a trembling of the bottom lip and a watering of the eyes.

"Wot did y'ave then Bel?"

"Why lad, I'd cooked a full five pound chicken yesterday, a big bugger it were, an'a made some roasted praters, carrots, cabbage, cauliflower and gravy. I must admit lad it did look a lot just for me burrad forgotten I'd brought you back wi' me!"

He'd started drooling and slobbering again.

"So where's me dinner then Bel?"

"I've etten it!"

"All of it?"

"Sorry lad. I were that lost in me thoughts tharra forgot! D'ya fancy a bowl o' soup instead?"

"Suppose so if ya've nowt else! Is there nowt left on't chicken I can havva pick off?"

"Sorry lad. I even picked bluddy bones clean an' all. I were bluddy hungry today!"

She heated some tomato soup for him and he sat and slurped his way through it, munching on the buttered bun she'd also provided, and when he'd finished an hour later, he went over to the sink and washed up.

"That's a good lad. It's tekken me a long while, burra think I'm gerrin ya trained now!"

"Ta Bel. Trouble is Bel it took a bluddy long while to ayte me soup wi' that fork! Canna havva spoon next time?"

"Sorry about that lad. I'm not with it today!"

Just then she took a chunk of his left cheek between her finger and thumb, and gave it a little squeeze.

"I'll have ya scuttling round wi' a duster next!"

"Well that's wot trained monkeys do Bel!" he replied sadly, rubbing his cheek where she'd pinched him.

"Ne' mind lad. I'll make it up to ya, you see if I don't! Neh then, ya said we could play some games or summat. Wot did ya have in mind owd lad?"

"Let's play at name-calling Bel and pretend feytin'. I've not played that since I were a lickle lad!"

"Ya used to PLAY that?"

"Well not really Bel. Some o't lickle kids in school'd call me names and feyt me, burra didn't join in."

"I'm not with ya. Oh, wot ya mean is that they'd call ya names and duff ya over, but ya didn't join in. Is thar'it owd lad?"

"Aye. It were good that. They said it were only pretend feyting, burra allers ended up with lumps and bruises!"

"Wor’a bluddy shame!"

"Come on then Bel. Pur'up yer dukes. Come on y'owd fat tart. Let's see wot yer made of?"

"WOT DID YA JUST CALL ME YA CLAPPED OUT OWD FART BAG? I'll bluddy marmalise ya! Ya know that ya daft owd cretin."

"That's it Bel, that's how ya plays it!"

Bel wasn't playing!!

"Oh, so am a daft owd cretin amma. Come on ya cross-eyed, fat-bellied owd lardy-arsed bag o' buffalo turds. Do yer worst!"

She stood in the middle of the floor while he danced round her, leaping about like a demented chimp and trying to land her with a punch.

She put her huge hand on his forehead and he swung his arms madly until he made contact. She'd forgotten that he had longer than average arms.

He got her, right in the stomach, but she barely flinched.

Then he realised what he'd done, and he hunched over with eyes tight shut.

"Sorry Bel, sorry. Didn't mean to do that Bel! I were only playing. Are ya goin't gimme a punch now?"

"Tell ya wot owd lad. While it's you I'll only give you wot you gid me. How's that?"

"Ta Bel!"

He cringed, then the punch to his stomach was delivered and he doubled over.

She picked him up off the floor and sat him in a chair, where he lolled like a rag doll, tongue dangling out.

"Now don't play daft games wi' somebody unless yer equally matched in future. Neh think on!"

"Okay. Ta Bel. Wockle I do now Bel!"

"Persevere!"

"Who's Percy Veer when he's a'wom?"

"Ne' mind! Cup o' tea?"

"Yeh. Oh, by the way, P.S. Bel!"

"Post Scriptum?"

He leapt up and scuttled off to the other side of the kitchen.

"No Bel no, please no! Yer not postin' me scriptum Bel. Leave Winky and Weeny alone!"

"I never said owt about posting yer bluddy scriptum. Ya said P.S. Bel! Wot's yer P.S. then?"

"Oh. P.S. Bel! Next time ya punch me, can ya punch me in me reet shooder? It's already deformed so it won't make any difference if ya belt me theer!"

"Aye, alreet then!"

They sat at the table with their mugs of tea and were quiet for a while until Bel spoke.

"Crusty. Ya know about that war that's goin't start up soon?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Wot war's that then Bel?"

She really wished she could be like him, just once in a while.

"The war with Iraq! Ya know! Mad Sam Insane?"

"Who's insane Bel?"

"Give yer bluddy hearing aid another tap!"

He did as he was told.

"Mad Sam Insane. He's in charge of a country called Iraq in Arab land where th'Arabs live. Ya know! Them men that wears tablecloths on their yeds and they ride on nasty owd camels?"

He winced as he remembered his own encounter with some camels some years before.

"Oh reet. Wor'about him then Bel?"

"Well, he's bein' a pain in't th'arse an' he needs a bluddy good pastin', ya know like you do sometime!"

"Is he bad like me then Bel?"

Wor’a bluddy shame!

"Neh lad. He's a lot worse than you could ever be, an'am thinkin' about goin' over to where he lives and givvim a bluddy good hiding!"

"Well why don't ya do it Bel? Yer good at sortin' out bad people. Look at when ya wus a prison officer, and there's loads o' people that ya've battered up since, me included, and that Trevor!"

"I know lad. That's worra were thinking! It'd save a lorra people gerrin hurt if I went and gor'it out o't road!"

Crusty's eyes started gleaming.

"Worra ya goin't do at him Bel?"

"Well I'd give him a poke in both his bluddy eyes, kick him in't crusticles, he'll be callin' himself Madam Insane when I've done wi' him, double pile driver and triple whammy ..... "

Crusty winced again.

"......kick him up th'arse, shove his yed down't lavvy, screw his ears round till they drop off then shove 'em up his arse ........"

"Has he been that bad?"

"Oh aye ....... throttle him, shove a red hot poker up his arse, throw him in't cut and half drown him then I'd fotch him out wi' his yed on a bluddy stick!"

"Is thar'it Bel, only he's goin't have a lorra stuff shoved up his arse in't he?"

"In't thar'enough?"

"Well ya could do some o' thar'other stuff like wot ya do at me!"

"Such as wot. I thowt I'd covered everything!"

"No Bel. Ya've not said owt about stampin' on his feet in yer Jackboots!"

"Oh aye! Well we can add that to't list an' all then lad!"

"When are ya going then Bel?"

"Don't know yet owd lad. I'll give our Charles a ring in't morning and find out where the scummy arsed owd bog turd's hiding out, then I'll go an' find him. He'll wish he'd never been born when he comes face to face wi' me!"

"So who's Charles then Bel. Is he another relative?"

"Aye, another cousin burrave not seen him in years. He lives in Hereford an'a don't get down there as often as I used to."

"And will he know where that insane person is Bel. I thowt Arab land were a big place so he could be hiding anywhere couldn't he?"

"Oh aye, it's a big place, but our Charles'll know weer't find him!"

"Will it be dangerous Bel? I wouldn't like ya't ger'urt or anything!"

"Well it is dangerous owd lad, but ya know me."

Crusty brightened up.

"Bel. While yer goin' on another jaunt, canna come wi' ya?"

"No, ya cawn't owd luv. Not this time. I'll have me hands full without having to have't look after you. Ya'd ger'into all sorts of bluddy bother o'er theer!"

"Okay then Bel. But be careful. Your Crusty needs ya, ya know!"

"Okay owd lad!"

Next morning Bel rang her cousin in Hereford.

Charles was General Sir Charles Leekey of the Special Air Service!

© Mollie M
05.02.03

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Ah fancy Bel forgetting that Crusty was in the other room waiting for his dinner and eating it all, she's got a huge appetite Wonder what she's up to now?

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

With the next chapter you will have read exactly one half of these tales, and I would genuinely like to take this opportunity of thanking you for reading them up to this point.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

100

Basher Bel
(goes Battling in Hell!)

Bel was up very early on the morning of the second of January. She'd hardly slept a wink as the excitement had been building up inside her.

She was about to embark on a one-woman crusade for peace, provided that the authorities would back her up, of course.

"Good morning. I'd like to speak to General Sir Charles Leekey please."

"Who madam? We have no one of that name here!"

"Yes you do. I know you have strict secrecy there but Charles is my cousin. Just tell him that Crustabel is calling and it's very urgent I speak with him. It's a matter of great importance!"

"One moment madam! I'll see if I can get someone to help you."

She hung onto the phone for several minutes and then she heard a familiar voice.

"Bel! Upon my soul! Haven't heard from you in a while old gal. How the hell are you?"

"Hello Charles. I'm fine! It's good of you to spare the time to talk to me, as I know how busy you are right now with things the way they are. Now listen Charles, I have a plan which just might work!"

"A plan about what mi'dear?"

"Are we on a secure line?"

"Yes Bel. What's all this about?"

She told her older cousin her idea and the conversation took almost an hour. Charles was very aware of Bel's capabilities, but did warn her how dangerous it would be and tried his best to argue with her and talk her out of this madness.

Obstinate as ever, she told him that she was going with, or without, his help and he knew her well enough to know that there was no shifting her once she had an idea set in her head. She had the money, the intelligence, the resources and the brute force.

"Alright Bel, alright. I'll do everything I possibly can to give you the assistance you need, but you must follow certain orders. You must also understand that as far as we are concerned, if anything happens, we will have to deny all knowledge of this crazy notion you have. Now then, do you still have all your weaponry?"

"Yes, I've still got the Glock, the Kalashnikov, my Browning 9 mm, some grenades and all that other stuff, but I've also got a bloody great rocket launcher now as well! It's a cracker it is - state of the art. That'll stop them in their bloody tracks but I hope I don't have to use it!"

Charles' eyes boinged open! Civilians weren't allowed such weapons, but he knew Bel was more than able to handle them after all the training she'd received when she was in her twenties and he'd been her Commanding Officer in the Paras. She'd been the only woman to pass through all the physically, emotionally and psychologically demanding training that was required to get into such an elite Regiment.

She'd never told Crusty that she'd also been in the Army for a few years before becoming a Prison Officer, and she never would.

He'd only want an Army outfit with a little red hat like his Bel's!

The men in her Regiment hadn't been able to accept her because she was tougher and stronger than most of them so she'd decided to leave, although she had wanted to make it her career, kicking ass in Northern Ireland, The Falklands, etc.

They finished their conversation, and Charles agreed to pay Bel a visit up North the following weekend to hold secret talks about her mission.

She was to be secretly parachuted into Baghdad using an extra heavy duty parachute so she wouldn't just drop to earth like a bag of sh!t, and then met by those most secret soldiers of the SAS to act as her guides further into Iraq, and then on to the secret location of the Mad Man!

Four weeks later she called at Crusty's house just as he was dishing himself up a plateful of freshly blackened chips, a half raw fried egg and some greasy bacon.

"Oh hiya Bel. Come in. I were just goin't ayte me tay. Ya can have some if ya wants!"

She looked at the mess on his plate and pulled a face.

"No ta lad. I'm not very hungry at the moment!"

"Why not? Wossup owd girl? Are ya sickenin' for summat?"

"No Crusty. I've gor'a lor'on me mind that's all. I've come to tell ya summat owd lad so sit yerself down!"

"In a minute Bel!"

He could see by her face that she wasn't happy and smiling today, she wasn't angry with him for anything, and she wasn't in a bad mood. He'd never seen her looking like this before and it worried him.

"Wor'ever's to do me owd stockin' top? Come and sit ya down next to me and tell your Crusty all about it!"

"That's the problem Crusty. I can't tell ya all about it 'cos it's a secret, but worra can tell ya is this owd lad. I'm goin' away for a while. I don't know how long I'll be an'a don't know if I'll be coming back!"

Paaarp!

"Ya wot Bel? Wot d'ya mean owd lass? Ya might not be coming back to your Crusty?"

His eyes had started to stream with tears, which made Bel in turn very sad and she too started to sob. He got out of his chair, went back into the kitchen, threw his lovingly cooked crap into the kitchen waste bin, his appetite leaving him with a rush he'd never known before, then he sat back down again next to her and put his hairy old arm around her shoulders.

"But Bel. Ya can't leave me like this all by meself, on me own, wi' nobody wi' me. Wockle happen to me if ya don't come back? I'll ger'into all sorts o' bluddy mischief if yer nor'ere to sort me out!"

Bel took in a huge lungful of air and sat up straight, sniffled and wiped her eyes with her fingers.

"Neh lissen to me ya bluddy owd fogey. I've got to go somewhere an'a don't know how long I'll be, bur'it's very important work tharrave got to attend to in another country. I need for you to be a big strong boy and look after yerself properly. I need for you NOT to ger'in any bother. I need for you NOT to ger'in any mischief of any kind. I need you to look after Palethorpe, me lickle sausage dog, for me again owd lad. Will ya do it - for your Bel!"

"Well I tell ya wockle be th'easiest Bel!"

"Wot's thar'owd lad!"

"Tek me wi' ya and that way ya'll be able't keep yer eye on me!"

"I can't lad, not this time. This is one jaunt I can't tek ya on. I'm not goin' on holiday and like I said I need you to look after Palethorpe for me. I wouldn't trust anybody else like you ya know!"

"Okay Bel. Are ya goin't sort out that Mad Sam Insane personage Bel?"

Her eyes flew open. She didn't think he would have remembered that conversation from several weeks ago.

She gave a half-hearted chuckle.

"No ya daft owd dingbat. Wot can I do about him? We've gor'a bluddy Army full o' Paras, SAS and Intelligence Corps to do that!"

"Well yer not goin' into th'ospickal again are ya Bel? Ya've not gor'a serious illness have ya that yer not tellin' me about?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

She smiled at him fondly.

"No, it's not that either lad. I do have to go to Arab land bur'it's to do wi' me business Crusty. I've got shares in an oil company an'ave got to go over there to sort some things out. I'm frikkened though Crusty, I'm really frikkened!"

Crusty's jaw dropped onto his knees. His Bel frikkened?

"I've never known ya't be frikkened of owt before Bel so it must be serious. When d'ya go?"

"Next weekend owd lad so, worra thought was, while we've still got time together we'll have a bluddy good time. Now wot d'ya say owd lad?"

"Okay Bel!"

He'd gone very quiet and, knowing that his Bel was scared of going to Arab land, Crusty also became very fearful for her. He knew she wasn't telling him the proper truth because she hadn't looked him in the eye when she said it was something to do with her oil company.

"Crusty!"

"Worisit Bel?"

"Ya've not gor'an Arab outfit I could borrer have ya owd lad?"

"I've not Bel, burra could make ya one if ya wants! I'm thinkin' o' gerrin a sewing machine! Are ya goin' to another fancy dress?"

"No, ne' mind!"

Over the next week they had trips out every day even though the weather was really cold. They went to Blackpool, Southport and Wales and they both spent time by the sea making sand castles and sand pies and Bel enjoyed that almost as much as Crusty did. For most of the time they were the only people on the beach, but they'd dressed up in their warmest clothes and had a whale of a time.

She'd taken a frisbee with her and she'd whizzed it through the air while Crusty hared after it and brought it back, panting for breath and tongue dangling out.

She took him for slap-up dinners, lunches and breakfasts but during all of this the air was like a thick mist hanging over them. Crusty couldn't enjoy himself like he would normally do though because he had a strange foreboding that his Bel was going to get herself into something from which she couldn't escape.

He was beginning to wish he were a bit cleverer than he was so that he could go and help her in whatever she was going to do, but he couldn't.

However, there was one thing he could do and on the night of their third day tripping out and about, he set about it with great seriousness, a heavy heart and a humble spirit.
When he went to bed that night he had a special wash after de-fluffing the Lyril, cleaned his teeth until they were gleaming then went into his bedroom where he raised his arms toward the Heavens.

"Hey up owd lad. It's me again, Crusty Nibbleswick! He who whingeth and farteth too much! Remember? He who grumpheth and hancheth like he wast a pig! I know I've moidered ya to deeth in't past for bits o' nowt really but this time it's deadly serious, honest!"

God pricked up his ears. This did sound serious.

"After I'd de'ed a bit back ya sent me back here to Crustabel the Mighty and ya said tharra could stop down here wi' her until 2020. Neh then, woritis, is this. Her's tekkin' off someweer an'a know for a fact thar'it's summat dangerous. I con feel it in me watter, an' all I'm praying for is that ya tek care of her while her's away."

Crusty listened for any signs that he was being heard and hung his head with sadness that perhaps He wasn't listening this time, but while Crusty was jabbering on, He was consulting His diary and on reading of the forthcoming events, closed it with a snap.

"I'm frikkened for her, an'am frikkened tharra mit never see her again! Ya will look after her won't ya lad 'cos I've nor'a clue worrad do if owt happened her. I'm nor'acting daft this time an'a wouldn't be bothering ya again unless it were for summat proper. Please owd lad, lissen to worram sayin' an' look after my Crustabel for me. Please, please, sir! I loves my Bel an' I'd be just a useless owd pigmy without her! With luv and affection from yer ever loving Crusty! Haymen!"

The Lord wiped away the tear that had formed at His eye. He'd started blubbering on hearing the Crusty say a proper prayer that was for someone other than for himself, and He blew His nose on a man-sized tissue.

And the Lord looked down upon the Crusty.

"Harken unto me Crusty Nibbleswick for I shall sayeth this just once."

Crusty leapt three inches in the air, then grinned. He'd been heard!

"Oh, hiya owd lad. I thowt ya weren't lissenin' to me burra .............."

"SILENCE! Crustabel the Mighty embarketh on a most dangerous mission for the good of mankind. She is a strong person and thou must be strong also and believeth in her. I will keep vigil over her during her crusade, but heareth this Crusty Nibbleswick, for thou must understandeth my position in all of this; Crustabel the Mighty will indeed encounter great fears on her journey. She will be victorious but at some cost!"

"Wot d'ya mean - some cost? Wot's goin't happen to her? Don't ler'owt happen to my Bel. Don't ler'er come back wi' only one leg otherwise her'll not be able't do any arse kicking, or owt else like that. If ya do I'll not speyk to ya again!"

The Almighty thought about that one for a moment, mulled it over then dismissed it.

"Crusty Nibbleswick! Thou must have faith in the Lord thy God and in the woman known as Crustabel the Mighty. Here endeth my delivery unto thee. Neh sod off an' let me get some kip!"

"Reet owd lad. I'll have faith some road up."


Crustabel safely parachuted into Baghdad, but because of her weight she was carried a few miles off course. However, within half an hour she was met by a man wearing a gala-baja and burnoose, which is a striped frock and a tablecloth on his head to you.

As he approached her she saw he was carrying a semi-automatic rifle, which was aimed at her heart. Scared to death, she stood her ground with the 9 mm held straight out in both hands aiming at his crusticles.

The man then spoke to her.

"May your arsehole become infested with the fleas of a thousand camels, and may your arms be too short to scratch them!"

Bel glared at him and was about to put a bullet in his groin, then remembered the return pass code.

"Oh aye! And may your grandchildren be born with faces like the festering arseholes of a pack of Bolivian donkeys!"

The man smiled and put down his weapon. With hand outstretched he approached her with caution. He'd been told all about this formidable lady and admired her courage and bravery for what she'd come to try to do.

"Miss Leekey? I'm Colonel Dave Masters. Welcome to Iraq. General Leekey has apprised me of the situation. Come, we have many miles to travel and we must go now under cover of darkness."

"Thank you Colonel. Please call me Bel!"

They loaded all her arsenal, which had also been parachuted down, onto the Land Rover and set off through the desert with a cold moon shining over them.

When they got to Headquarters, Bel got out her four-man bivouac and king sized bedroll and, after a hearty meal, squeezed inside and settled down for the night. She hadn't expected any special privileges just because she was a woman, and none were offered on this occasion.

Tomorrow was going to be a big day!

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

The next morning Bel donned her old Army uniform which mercifully still fitted, and which included a flak jacket and red beret. She'd also brought her Jackboots with her for arse kicking purposes.

She favvered a Storm Trooper!

"Reet! So where's the festering little arsehole hiding then, the cowardly owd sod?"

Colonel Masters took a rolled up drawing from a shelf and laid it out in front of her, which detailed the terrain for miles around.

A big red X marked the spot.

"So that's where the puke-faced festering sack o' crap is, is he? Reet, I'll be setting off in a bit. Givvus a Land Rover't drive. I'll be back by morning wi't th'owd sh!te-hawk in tow!"

"Just hang on a minute Miss Leekey - er, Bel! You can't just go marauding in there like that. I need to hear your plan of action and I'll send some soldiers with you!"

"No Colonel. I've got to do this by meself, burrall tell ya me plan! I've heerd that th'owd sod teks to a buxom wench, like meself!"

"Er, well, yes it's true that he does prefer a more rounded lady but, er, well, I think he prefers ladies without stubble, if you don't mind me mentioning it!"

She bellowed with laughter and slapped the Colonel hard on the back.

"Not at all lad, not at all. Don't worry, I'm goin't get this shaved off now!"

The Colonel got up off the floor with a half-hearted grin. He'd felt daft in front of his troops when she'd knocked him down.

"Oh righty-ho!"

"Gimme ten minutes and ya'll not recognise me when I come out of me tent!"

She disappeared and ten minutes later came out again.

On seeing her, the NCOs turned round to hide the fact that their eyes were streaming with laughter, but were trying their utmost to be polite. The officers just stood with their mouths wide open, aghast at what they saw.

The Colonel was the first to recover and reverted to his long-lost Wigan accent.

"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on!"

"It's me belly-dancing outfit!"

"I can't possibly let you go into the lion's den wearing that Bel!"

She gave him a wink and a grin.

"Leave it to me Colonel. I guarantee I'll have that festering little scab in no time at all! Neh then, d'ya want me't fetch him back or cut him up in bits and leave him piled up in a heap?"

The Colonel was speechless.

"Whatever you think is best, ma'am!"

With that she leapt into the Land Rover which had been re-loaded with items she would need and, with map in hand, drove off leaving a cloud of sand behind her.


She was gone for several days and the Army unit were becoming increasingly worried about what might have become of her, but they'd been given strict instructions not to interfere.

She'd found the lair of her target the night after, and had infiltrated quite easily after she'd stood on top of a high sand dune and sang My Heart Will Go On from Titanic. She was in silhouette with an enormous moon behind her and it was an awesome, monstrous sight. When she'd finished that and had their undivided attention she sang Let's Twist Again and did her best belly-dancing to the song.

All Mad Sam Insane's henchmen and bodyguards had been enthralled and entranced by her beauteous form, and she'd jangled beads and bangles at them for two days until she was blue in the face.

It never occurred to them to ask who she was or where she'd come from. They were just riveted by her and didn't see her as a threat of any kind because she appeared to have no weapons upon her person.

They were men, after all!

She couldn't stand the smell of the camp, although she'd had good grounding from Crusty but, having said that, she would have preferred to sleep in the same BED as Crusty than have to put up with this nausea.

However, she stood it because she hadn't actually been invited to an audience with the boss yet, but he knew she was there!

On the third day she was taken into Mad Sam's "office" and when he saw her he was astounded by her voluptuous figure, and who also had the voice of an angel!!

Well it takes all sorts!

She shimmied up to him, the heavy jewellery rattling and jangling, her eyes widening seductively under the purple chiffon yashmak she'd chosen to wear.

He smiled widely and waved his hands in the air to let his bodyguards know that he wanted to be alone with his new ladylove!

She continued her dance routine, which by now was p!ssing her off. She danced in front of him, fat wobbling like a jelly, to the sides of him, stroking his arms and cheeks and then she danced nimbly (?) around the back of him.

Once she could see the back of his head, she whipped out her garrotte which she'd hidden in her ample cleavage then she swung it around his neck, pulled it tightly then tied it neatly in a little bow at the back till his tongue was dangling out and his eyes looked like gob stoppers.

It was cutting a deep ridge into his Adam's apple. He couldn't move, he could barely speak, and he couldn't call out.

"Neh then si' thi' y'owd gobsh!te. I'm goin't teach you a lesson that ya'll remember for a bluddy long while!"

Then she came round to the front of him and threw off her harem outfit, revealing her Army khaki underneath.

When she removed her yashmak his eyes grew as big as dinner plates.

"Aaaargh. That face!! It has resemblance of camel's arse!"

"Neh then si' thi'! I've getten thi' now, ya nasty owd fart bag! I'm goin't show ya a thing or two!"

"Who are you? I thought you were dancer for my delight and entertainment on birthday. What are you?"

"Who I am dun't matter. I'm nor'a bally-dancer for your bluddy delight and entertainment, burra will show ya worra can do! I'll start thi' off wi' me specialities! I'll gi' thi' a birthday present tha'll never forget!"

She did all the things to him that she'd described to Crusty. Eye gouging, double pile drivers, triple whammies, she punched him in the crusticles until his eyes watered and then jumped on his toes in her Jackboots.

She pasted him for nearly two hours and when she'd finished he was black and blue all over, and then she gave him a stern warning.

"Neh then si' thi' ya dirty owd lavvy bag. If you so much as put another bluddy smelly foot wrong and ya don't leave folk alone, I'll be bluddy well back and gi' thi' some more of wot ya've just had, an' more besides. If I have't come back here again, I'll not leave ya until yer ready for bein' buried. D'ya understand worram saying? If ya do, blink yer eyes three times ya crappy owd bag o' sh!t!"

Unable to nod for fear of cutting off his own head he blinked three times as instructed, such abject fear you have never seen on the face another human being.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

With that she left him, still with the garrotte round his neck and went outside for a breath of air, having first replaced the many scarves of chiffon and the yashmak to hide her uniform. Some of his men made a move to go into the place where she'd left him but she stopped them.

"Neh lad, best leave him for a bit. I've buggered him out an' he's havin' a little sleep! I'll go back in an hour or so to take him his birthday surprise. Ya know worra mean lads?"

She grinned and winked and they grinned and winked, knowingly, back at her.

"He's into all bluddy sorts that mon in't he, nasty owd bugger. I didn't know humans could ger'in some o' them positions. I'm surprised he's getten enough bluddy energy wi' all these plans goin' on, but fair play to th'owd lad, he's still getten some ale in his clog!"

They all looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. They didn't know what she was talking about because she was speaking very broad, but they understood that their boss was having a good time with the big lady.

She sat a little way from them and lit her pipe while she had another think about her next move. Everything had gone according to plan so far and she didn't want to do anything that might prove hazardous.

After a while, she sauntered back over to the men with a swaggering hip movement like Mae West, flashing her eyes at them. Despite the laws of the land, they were busy indulging in ale swilling because it was Mad Sam's birthday, and she asked for a bottle for herself, which they happily provided her with.

"Neh then lads. Where'st th'owd Bin Bag hiding out these days? It's been a while since I last saw him. Has he had that bluddy beard trimmed yet? I ber'it's not been done since last time I did it for him, th'owd devil!"

"Osama hide in mountainous region ten miles North!"

"Oh well, while I'm here I might pop over and say hello to him. It seems daft not seeing him while I'm in th'area! Givvus a map lad and I'll nip over later on!"

They happily obliged, bloody fools!

"Come on lads, let's get that bluddy ale supped or it'll go off. Let's havva party for Mad Sam's birthday, eh?"

"Salam-a-lakum!"

"A-lakum-salam lads!!"

Two hours later when they were all as p!ssed as farts and passed out, Bel put her final plan into action.

She went back into Mad Sam's hut where he was still tied with the wire. She taped his mouth up with electrical tape, taped his hands together then removed the garrotte.

When she tried to help him up he made a mad dash for the door, so she had to rugby tackle him and when she got him back on his feet she kicked him in the crusticles, punched him in the stomach, did a bit of her favourite arse kicking and blacked both his eyes for him, just to quieten him down again.

"Oh, by the way, I nearly forgot. I've heard that ya've been playing wi' bacteria and that ya was goin't ler'it loose on folk. Well, look at worrave gor'ere for ya owd lad! I fetched it especially for ya."

She removed something from her flak jacket pocket and held it over his face.

"I know a thing or two about bluddy bacteria. Ger'a whiff o' this!"

She held one of Crusty's socks right under his nose and his eyes started watering with the fumes that wafted up his nostrils. She'd pinched Sniffy from his corner when she'd gone to Crusty's bathroom the night before she left England.

Poor Sniffy wondered what was going on and bade dear old Whiffy a fond farewell!

"Neh then. Wot d'ya think about that lad? If ya could bottle that ya wouldn't need to bother wi' anthrax!"

Once she'd finished torturing him, she threw some sacking over his head, tied it up with rope then threw him over her shoulder in a fireman's lift and, with her pipe clenched tightly between her teeth, carried him out and slung him in the back of the Land Rover.

She then consulted the map where th'owd Bin Bag was hiding and set off at a leisurely pace.

She was met with a hail of bullets, but Bel waved a little white flag and, as she had put her belly-dancing outfit on again half way there, she charmed them exactly in the same way as she had in Mad Sam's encampment.

She told them that it was Mad Sam's birthday and that they ought to be celebrating so they got out the bunting, roasted a pig on a spit, and got the ale out and got very drunk.

The only problem this time was that there was one soldier of fortune who was extremely religious and didn't drink, but he'd been sleeping on duty so didn't know that the Bin Bag had also been pasted to within an inch of his life and carted off. He'd been clod into the back of the vehicle face to face with Mad Sam. It was only when the soldier heard the Land Rover start up that he awoke and realised what had happened.

When Bel had got behind the wheel and started the Land Rover taking her prizes off with her, he opened up with his sub-machine gun, splattering a few bullet holes in the swiftly moving vehicle and screaming for "Allah" at the top of his voice.

Bel had got just a little teeny, weeny bit angry about this so stopped the vehicle and picked up her rocket launcher, which was already loaded. She put it on her shoulder and aimed it, then fired right into the middle of the encampment blowing huts and vehicles to smithereens.

The religious soldier of fortune met "Allah" a lot quicker than he'd expected!

"Wor'a little beauty you are. I knew ya'd come in handy one o' these days," she said patting the launcher with a happy smile on her face.

It was almost a week since she'd set off on her intrepid journey in her search for two of the most evil men on the planet, and on the sixth day she returned to the secret hideout where Colonel Masters and his troops were waiting with trepidation.

The lookout spotted her driving along and she appeared to be singing to herself. He
signalled her return to his Colonel, who gave a huge sigh of relief.

He had been given strict instructions not to follow her, but to allow her to carry out her plan, and General Leekey had told them to be there waiting for her return and then to give her every assistance in quickly getting her out of the country again.

She parked up and jumped out of the Land Rover. She was filthy from the sandy journey and, as she hadn't had the opportunity to shower for several days, didn't smell too sweet. The men that welcomed her back didn't care about that though. They were just glad to see her again.

"Welcome back Miss Leekey - er, Bel. We were getting extremely worried about you! Did you have a successful mission?"

"I'm alreet Colonel, ta, burram back now. Neh then, just havva look at worrave fetched ya! No lad, yer alreet, I don't need any help!"

She went to the back of the Land Rover and hauled out Mad Sam over her shoulder, again in a fireman's lift, and deposited him with a thump on the hard ground.

He stared up at his captors, hands and mouth still taped up and eyes like satellite dishes.

"Mmmmph! Mmmmmmph!!!"

"Neh then, how's that for a bluddy good catch? When I goes fishing, I comes back wi' summat worth aytein'!"

The troops surrounded the man on the ground and could hardly believe who they were looking at, and the state he was in. He looked like he'd been through a cement mixer!

"He's gor'a few bruises an'a couple o' broken bones, bur'apart from that he's still alive, the festerin' owd bag o' camel turds!"

Two corporals came and hoisted him up off the ground. He was shaking like a leaf and sobbing his heart out. They carted him off to a secure area where he was clapped in irons, and the Colonel got out his field phone to make a call to his superiors.

"Howd on a bit Colonel. I've not done yet. How's about this for a little bonus?"

She went back to the Land Rover and dragged out another trussed up body.

"I've getten thi' this an' all. I thowt it might come in handy for summat! It's getten a face like a camel's fart an' it stinks bluddy rotten, bur'it's another bluddy owd dosser like Mad Sam!"

All the men in the camp by now had gathered round, amazed at Bel's first catch. They all wanted to look at this mighty woman who had brought an evil man to book, but when she'd hauled out another wanted man they hip, hip, hoorayed her, whooped about and all rushed to give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek.

"Mmmmph! Mmmmmph!!"

She'd captured the two men that were the most wanted on the planet and she hadn't even used one bullet, well, apart from the rocket launcher!

Bel stood proudly in the middle of them all, expecting nothing more than a salute and a pint, but the adulation she got from them all was very moving.

Unexpectedly five or six men rushed up to her and hoisted her up onto their shoulders and carried her around. The others were laughing their heads off and were so very, very proud of this mighty lady for her bravery and courage.

After about three minutes they put her down again as their knees had started to buckle under her weight.

She wiped the tears away quickly as she didn't want them to think she was a softy girly, and then she fainted.

The Colonel rushed over to her to see what was wrong.

That was when he saw the blood.

© Mollie M
18.02.03