Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He removed his treasures from the pockets while she looked on to make sure he did it properly then she went back to the living room.

He put the jacket in and turned the dial until he thought it was on the right setting then looked around his kitchen, and realising that it was in a mess again, decided to quietly do some tidying up and clean his surfaces before Bel made him do it.

Bel had been interested in a television programme when it occurred to her that over an hour had gone by. She suddenly noticed that he'd been too quiet, so decided to go and see what he'd been up to.

She quietly opened the kitchen door and there he was at the sink with his back to her, up to his armpits in suds and singing to himself.

My penus in blue jeans
Moaning Lisa with a bony tai - ai - ail
She's a walking talking work-o-fart
She's the girl who stole my tart
My penus in ............

"Oi! Worra ya doin' and wor'avva towd ya before? It's bluddy V-ENUS!"

He leapt back in fright. He had a quick think to himself. No! He'd done nothing wrong this time. He was sure of it.

"Am doin' nowt Bel. Just givin' me kitchen a bit of a clean, that's all! Oh aye, VENUS! I remembers now, sorry Bel!"

"Why! It's a little palace in here now!"

"Bur'it still stinks dun't it Bel?"

"Well aye! I mean it allers stinks like a monkey's cage, bur'at least it's tidy for a change. Good lad! Put some disinfectant in yer water then wash all yer surfaces down again. It'll smell a bit sweeter!"

He beamed. He'd done something to please her for once.

"Bel?"

"Wot?"

He looked at her timidly.

"Can we go to't Club this Sunday? There's somebody on I'd really like to watch. He's a proper good singer and whenever he's on I allers go an' see him! He likes it when I go watching him 'cos o' me special outfit tharra wear!"

"Why, wot outfit? Ne' mind answering that. Alreet then, we'll go if ya want. Who is it that's on?"

"Why, it's a lickle Irish mon an' his name's Ciaran O'Fartery. He's a bluddy beltin' singer Bel and he dun't half ger'everybody goin'! Ya'll like him, you'll see!"

She tutted and shook her head.

"You and yer Irish men! They allers end up gerrin ya into trouble, an' it'll be O'Flaherty not O'Fartery! Okay then. Lissen Crusty, I've got to go now, burrall nip round again tomorrow't make sure ya've done all yer washing and ironing an' if it's not done, I'll gi' thi' that!"

She re-introduced him to her right fist and he nodded his head till it nearly dropped off!

"Okay Bel. Ickle be all ready for inspection tomorrer!"

The washing machine was just finishing its last spin as Bel left, so Crusty got all his stuff out and put them into the tumble dryer, wincing as he did at the thought of what it was going to cost him.

Still, they'd be dried all the quicker and then he could get his ironing out of the way. He set the machine for an hour and a half then went for a snooze in his living room.

When he woke up there was a programme on the History Channel on the telly, and it was all about Queen Elizabeth I. He rubbed his eyes and started to pay attention as he'd only missed about five minutes of it.

He was in absolute awe at the things that had happened in those bygone times, and was amazed to learn that Elizabeth had had a courtier by the name of Lord Birley. Apparently Lord Birley was only a short-arse, like Crusty, and she called him her little Pigmy and Elf!

"Well by the crin! Am not th'only one that got called a pigmy. If it was good enough for Lord Birley then it's good enough for Crusty Nibbleswick! Wait till I tell my Bel about this. Her'll be thrillt!"

He started to wonder what he'd look like in doublet and hose then dismissed the idea at the thought of his skinny little legs in tights and a ruff round his scummy neck!
Besides, he'd already tried that when he bought that sort of outfit years ago for the fancy dress at the Club, and he'd ended up getting his legs twisted up in the cloak. He still had it somewhere.

He flicked through the channels to see what else was on, and he watched some of the news that was showing some scenes of mayhem in a place called Tikrit. The camera panned over to an American General who was in the thick of it all and he answered a few questions that the reporters were throwing at him.

"Yes ma'am, we are in absolute control right now! Yes sir, what was your question again?"

"When do you foresee all this will be over General?"

"Well sir ... er ... let me put it to you this way sir. It won't be over till the fat lady sings, and that may be quite some time yet. Thank you sir, next question!"

Crusty's ears pricked up then he switched the set off. He'd have to remember that.

He suddenly remembered his tumble dryer and that it had stopped, so he went into the kitchen to take all his nice clean clothes out so that he could get them ironed before bed time.

He opened the dryer door and took out the first garment, which was a pair of his wincyette knickers. He held them aloft and his face drained of colour.

"Wot's happened to me knicks?"

He fumbled in the dryer again and took out a jumper.

"Wot's happened to me jumper?"

Then he grabbed a handful of his clothing and dragged them all out. Socks, knickers, vests, tee shirts, trousers, jumpers, cardigans.

He examined every one and as the penny dropped his eyes filled with tears.

"Oh heck! Wor'avva gone and done this time? Her won't half gimme a bluddy clout for this!"

His little brain cell went into over-drive at the amount of input it was trying to receive all at once.

Crusty scooped his things up and shoved them all into carrier bags, and hid them under the stairs then he ran to his phone.

Dring, dring. Dring, dring!

"Good evening. This is Crustabel Leekey speaking!"

"Bel?"

"Oh it's you. Wot d'ya want Crusty only I were just thinking of going to bed!"

"Well, ya know ya said ya'd come back tomorrow to inspect me washing and ironing?"

"Yes, wor'about it?"

"Well I were just wondering wot time ya were thinkin' o' coming!"

"Why? Does it matter?"

"Oh yes Bel, it matters a lot. Will it be morning or afternoon?"

"Well I were thinking about tomorrow afternoon, about three. Ya'll be at work in't mornin' anyway! Is thar'okay?"

"Yip!"

He hung up and left her standing there with the phone in her hand.

She shrugged her shoulders then went to bed, wondering what he was up to this time. She knew for certain though that she would find out in the fullness of time.

The next morning, before he went to work, Crusty scoured every charity shop in and around the Pemberton area in search of new grotties for his bedroom drawers and under-the-bed stuff.

He found out that, amazingly, he couldn't buy second hand knickers and socks but he managed jumpers, cardies, pants and tee shirts, then he had to go to a proper shop to buy one new pair of knickers and one new pair of socks. Sniffy and Whiffy were fine as he hadn't put them in the machine, but he needed a spare pair occasionally. He figured he could manage for a couple of months with just them and by then it would be warmer weather so, while he gave them an airing he could go without.

He'd drawn out fifty pounds hoping it would cover everything and was delighted when he counted up at the end of his shopping that he had thirty pounds left.

Tight owd sod!

He rushed home straight after work and threw everything into the washing machine again, remembering this time the correct setting, got them washed, dried, ironed and neatly folded just five minutes before Bel was due.

Phew!!

Bang, bang, hommer, hommer!

"Just coming Bel!"

"Good afternoon Crusty! Have ya gor'all yer jobs done? I'm here for inspection!"

"I know Bel. Everything's done an'a think ya'll be pleased at wor'ave done this time!"

He'd folded everything and put them in a tidy pile on top of the tumble dryer and Bel went to check everything out. She went through every item just in case he'd cheated, but every single item was as clean as a whistle.

"Neh then Bel. Wot d'ya think o' that?"

"Very good Crusty! But there's just one thing."

"Wossat Bel?"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Where's that clobber that ya washed last neet? Wor'ave ya done wi' all that?"

He stuck his thumb in his mouth. He hadn't reckoned on her noticing the change of rubbish.

"Nowt Bel. I just thowt I'd get meself summat different for a change that's all!"

"No it's not. You'd split a bluddy farthing if ya could ya tight owd fart. There's no way ya'd shell out for new old stuff unless it were me that made ya do it. Now, wot's bin goin' on? Where've ya hidden all yer other clothes?"

Knowing he was beaten he went and retrieved his other things from under the stairs, knowing he was going to get a pelt.

"They're here Bel, but please don't gimme a clout. I didn't mean it!"

"Let me look!"

She tipped the contents of the carrier bags onto his worktop and stifled the laugh that she felt welling up inside her. It didn't work so she let the laughter out and started throwing each item at him, braying her heart out as she did so.

"Worra ya laffing at me for? Ya sounds like a bluddy hyena! I once heerd an owd Blackpool donkey making that noise!"

"Thar'a bluddy owd duffer yer nowt else. Wot the bluddy hell did ya do to these clothes at all?"

"I dunno Bel. They just all came out like that, 'ceptin' for me owd black jacket. That's just as good as it's allers bin! I thowt you might have an explanation as to how they ended up in that condition!"

"Oh I know exactly wot ya've done, ya stupid owd sod. Ya've shoved everything in together and pur'em on a bluddy boil wash then ya've tumble dried 'em all. Amma reet?"

"I didn't know I'd pur'em on a boil wash Bel, burra might've. I couldn't remember the right setting an'a didn't like asking ya in case ya bopped me one so I just closed me eyes and spun me dial, then hoped for't best!"

"Well this owd black jacket's not wor'it was owd lad. It's all crinkly and ya'll not be able't iron 'em out with having boil washed it. Ya'll have't bin it! It'll be too small for ya now anyway!"

"No ickle not Bel. It's alreet. I'll still be able't ger'in it! In fact, it might even fit me a bit better than it did!"

She held up one of his jumpers, which had shrunk to the size of a baby's romper suit and a pair of his knickers, which would have probably fitted a Barby doll.

He groaned.

"So, wot ya must've done is gone scuttling round all't shops this morning and then when ya've got back from work, ya've done all yer washing before I could see wot ya'd been up to. Amma reet?"

"Yis Bel, yer allers reet!"

"I know I am. Ne' mind owd lad. At least ya had enough sense to go and buy summat else to pur'in their place. Come on, don't worry about it! I'll keep these little socks though now that they're clean. They'll do to keep Palethorpe's little feet warm when it's cowd!"

He grinned his cheesy grin.

"Ta Bel. One thing though Bel! How come they've all come out in that sh!tty shade of pink, 'ceptin' for th'owd black jacket?"

"That's because ya boiled yer red drawers in wi' all't other colours ya daft bugger and it's dyed everything! Even dye couldn't get through all't crap on yer owd black jacket. That's why it's its usual sh!tty shade of off black!"

"Oh! I didn't know ya could do that!"

"Well ya'll have't throw all thar'other lot away now Crusty. Ya can't wear 'em like that."

"Okay Bel, burram keeping me owd black jacket. By the way Bel, I were watching't telly last neet about Elizabeth the First and her had a lickle pal called Lord Birley and d'ya know wor'er used't call him?"

"Wot? I'm not well up on history!"

"Her used't call him her lickle Pigmy and Elf. Si' thi'! I must be like Lord Birley 'cos you call me yer lickle pigmy don't ya Bel?"

"Thee like Lord Birley? Aye, but there'll be one big difference."

"Wossat?"

"Lord Birley might've been a little shorty arse like you, burra ber'a bluddy shillin' he weren't a little farty arse like you!"

Sulk!!

"D'ya know summat Bel, am in two minds whether't come wi' ya or not 'cos yer allers callin' me names!"

"Wot d'ya mean yer in TWO minds? Ya've nor'even getten one mind to call yer own!!"

Sulk!

"See worra mean? Yer allers insulterating me an' it's nor'always called for!"

"Stop yer sulking or I'll gi' ya a slap. Wor'else did ya see on't telly last neet. I didn't have time't pur'it on 'cos I were too busy before I went to bed!"

"Well I se'ed this General soldier type of person Bel and he were in a place called ..... I've forgetten, but there were a lorra people pinchin' stuff all over't place!"

"Was it in Iraq?"

"Yeh, bur'it were called Tikky summat or other. Anyway d'ya know wor'e said, that General?"

"Go on!"

"Why, he said thar'all't trouble won't be o'er till't fat lady sings. Neh then Bel, wot d'ya think about that?"

"Well it's just an American expression. Wor'about it?"

"Well I thowt if ya'd nowt better to do this weekend ya could pop o'er theer, give 'em a song and then they'll all stop feytin'!"

Smack!!

"Wor'avva said wrong this time? Ya don't have't go if ya don't want Bel, burra thowt thar'as ya've getten a luvly singin' voice ya might fancy goin' over to sing 'em a lullaby or summat. It might mek 'em all realise and then everything'd be okay, but ya don't have to. Ya could be another Vera Lynn singin' to't troops!"

"I thowt ya wanted to go to't Club to see that little Irish man!"

"Oh aye that's reet. Well pr'aps ya can go another weekend then when we're not so busy!"

Slap!

"Sorry Bel. I didn't think I'd said owt wrong this time, burra must be mistaken again mustn't I?"

"Yis! Now don't mention it again!"

"Okay Bel, sorry Bel!"

"Reet. Let's carry on sortin' yer rubbish out for our trip then shall we and ya can show me all yer new owd stuff properly that ya've bought today!"

She examined all his freshly laundered clothing and for a change she approved of most of the things he'd bought, even though most things were the wrong size.

She started sifting through and the only things she wouldn't let him keep were a waistcoat that was canary yellow at the back and the front was scarlet, yellow and bright green broad stripes.

"Ya'll favver a bluddy deck chair again in that, and wor'ave ya bowt this bluddy shirt for? It's the same colour as a babby's nappy when it's bin fillt! Yer not wearing a baby-sh!t coloured shirt while yer wi' me!"

"Okay then Bel. Wor'ever ya say. Your taste in clothes is a bit better than mine. I'm nor'all that good at purrin colours together!"

"As usual, you demonstrate your exceptional skill at understatement!"

"Ta Bel! Am glad am good at summat!"

"Reet lad. I only came for inspection. I'll be off now, burrall come round Sunday morning, tek ya back to my house for the day and then I'll tek ya for yer din-dins at the Red Robin!"

"Ooh great! We're goin' seeing that lickle Irish mon sing as well Sunday aren't we Bel?"

"Aye! I'd not forgotten. See ya Sunday lad!"

"See ya Sunday Bel, and thank you for your valued insight with regard to my unfortunate lack of skill in selecting suitable clothing!!"

Smack!!

© Mollie M
15.04.03

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Another good read Mollie Laughed my socks off at Crusty's shrunken clothes, only he could do that

Looking forward to the Amsterdam trip

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

There's a lot of fun coming up in these next chapters, so I'll work on the next couple to make sure they're right. Will put the next on tomorrow night.

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Another good read Mollie Thought it was funny when he was rushing around finding his clothes and thought Bel wasn't Bel He's sooo dim isn't he Am also looking forward to his trip! He has more trips than hot dinners

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

He is truly blessed with having his darling Bel as a friend. He's thicker than mushy peas!

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

110

Crusty - Bel's Number One Fan
(and Crusty Confesses Again!)

"It's bluddy hot this morning, Crusty!"

"Yer reet theer Bel owd lass! I think it's one o't th'ottest days we've had in a long while!"

"Come an' blow on me. I can't get cool!"

He scampered over happily, eager to assist and started blowing on her, but he ended up spitting grunge all over her neck, so she waved him away and he scuttled off and sat cross-legged on the ground with his thumb in his mouth while she went in for a wash.

Ten minutes later she came back having had a good sluice down and had brewed them a mug of tea each.

"Ya know Crusty ya shouldn't wear tight pants like them when it's this bluddy hot. It'll make yer arse sweat and some other equally nasty places!"

"Well they didn't used't be tight these Bel. They used't be dead baggy years ago but they seem to have shrunk a bit!"

"They've not shrunk ya daft sod. It's thee. Yer arse and yer bally's getten fatter!"

"D'ya think so Bel! I thowt I cut a fine figure for a man o' my age!"

"Th'only thing you can bluddy cut is a loaf to shove down yer gullet, ya greedy owd pig. I'm thinkin' o' goin' on a diet and if I do, you'll have't go on one as well!"

"Aw Bel. That's not fair. It's not my fault that you're too fat!"

Almost at once he realised what he'd said and he went as red as a beetroot, and clapped a hairy hand over his mouth while she glared at him.

"Aye well, I suppose thar'is true owd lad, bur'it dun't make any difference. We'll have a do at it when we come back from Holland, bur'in't meantime we can just carry on as usual!"

They were sitting on a bench by the small lake in part of Bel's enormous garden. The sun was really hot and they were in the coolest part of the grounds. Every now and again bubbles could be seen floating to the top of the water as the fish swam happily about.

The sound of the water and the bird song gave the feeling of an old English country garden, which was what it was, but it was one of those days when being lazy was absolutely acceptable by all.

"Ya know summat owd lad. Ya'd best keep yer'sell dampened down an' all otherwise ya'll be overpowering in this heat!"

"Okay Bel! I'll do me lickle bestest!"

As it was a Sunday morning there was no need to rush around, and Bel had promised Crusty that she'd take him to the Red Robin for their Sunday lunch, then later she was to be delighted by the silken voice of Ciaran O'Flaherty, or so she'd been told.

He was fidgeting away like mad hoping time would pass quicker so that he could feed his face, and thinking about it just made him hungrier.

"Ya know Bel. We could go to't Mawdesley Aytein' House while it's nearer than't Red Robin. We'll ger'a feed quicker there!"

"There's no way I'm taking YOU to't Mawdesely Eating House! I live here an'a don't want folk from round here or visiting MY village watching THEE aytein' like a bluddy pig!"

"Oh I see. Y'always have an answer for everything!"

"I know. Oh it's bluddy hot! Crusty, can ya see them big leaves on that plant over theer? Them great big 'uns that looks like palm leaves?"

"Yis Bel. They're bonny big leaves them. Ya could make all sorts wi' them. I could make a .........."

"Just go an' breyk one off then come back o'er here an' I'll tell ya wot to do wi' it!"

Again, eager to please so that she wouldn't get angry with him, he scurried over, broke off one of the biggest leaves then scuttled back again, tongue dripping and dribbling.

"Reet Bel, I've fetched one. Wot d'ya want me't do wi' it?"

"Hmmmph, don't tempt me! Get behind me and start wafting it so as it'll make a nice breeze to cool me down. Go on!"

"But wor'about me?"

"Wor'about thee?"

"Do we take it in turns, or wot?"

"Definitely wot me owd fruit cake, definitely wot! I'm not fannin' you 'cos it'll only make the pong spread out a bit more an' I'll not be able't get down wind of ya!"

"Oh aye. I hadn't thowt about that! Here goes then Bel!"

Waftwaftwaft!

"Don't waft that bluddy fast! Yer making it feel like a bluddy hurricane's blowing. Waft it gentle!"

"Reet owd lass. I'll try again!"

Waft Waft Waft!

"Aah, that's much better owd fettler. Neh keep goin' and don't stop till I tell ya!"

"Ickle be my pleasure Bel!"

A couple of hours later Crusty started whinging again.

"Bel?"

No reply.

"Bel owd lass? Can ya hear me?"

No reply.

He stopped wafting and put the leaf down, then went round to the front and found Bel sound asleep.

His poor old skinny arms were killing him, so he sat down quietly beside her and rested for a while. The sweat was really pumping out of him, so he took off his shirt and the dirty vest he had on underneath, which was full of holes.

"Eee, that's a bit more like."

A moment later she woke up with a start, and when she saw him sat at the side of her semi naked she went berserk then she started heaving.

"I thowt I could smell summat ya nasty owd bugger. It's wakkened me up! Get yer bluddy shirt back on. I don't want to have't look at thy smelly naked body. Yuuuuk. Yer chest's covered in bluddy fur an' there's sweat running down yer front. Ya just favvers an owd chimp, all hairy and smelly. Get gone! Come here!"

"Which is it ya wants me't do Bel?"

She leapt up, dragged him off the seat and kneed him in his softies. Something she hadn't done in a while.

Wor'a bluddy shame!!

Eyes watering, and wincing with pain, Crusty dropped to the floor again.

"Ouch Bel. I wish ya wouldn't keep kicking me in me landing gear. It bluddy hurts when ya do that!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

"Well ya shouldn't've sat at the side o' me wi' sweat running down in rivulets over yer hairy owd chest!"

"Burram bluddy hot Bel wi' fannin' you! I only wanted a minute to give me arms a rest. They're nor'half aching now!"

"Your arms should be proper strong wi' all't swinging about in't trees that ya used't do!"

"Yeh, but that were a long while ago now Bel. Am an owd man now an' I've nor'ad a swing from any branches for years!"

"Well ya should've kept it up in't park. Ya ne'er know when yer goin't need it. Wot d'ya think I keep a bluddy owd pigmy around for anyway?"

"Dunno. I did try an' keep up me swingin' in't park years ago Bel, burra got stopped by a bobby. At first he thowt I were a chimp thar'd getten loose from't Zoo, but when they got closer they could see I were only a twenty year owd lad. It were just before I got wed to Soreen that! Mind you, them trees weren't really close enough 'gether to ger'a good swing from tree to tree an'a kept fawin' off. I were allers covered in bruises in them days."

She was silent while he gave his explanation, finding it hard to keep her face straight.

"Bel, am gerrin hungry. When do we go to't Red Robin?"

"In a minute. Go an' ger'a pee an' a wash and then we can set off."

Whooosh!

Ten minutes later he came scurrying back after carrying out his Bel's instructions to the letter, ready for a feed.

"Reet Bel. Am back now. Which car are we goin' in?"

"We're goin' in th'owd Escort."

"Aw Bel. I likes riding about in yer Jag bestest!"

"Ah well, that's true but ya know ya can't ayte in't Jag, but ya can ayte in
th'Escort!"

"But we're goin't Red Robin aren't we?"

"Oh aye, burra thowt ya might like a bit of a munch on't way!"

A happy smile returned to his chops when she handed him a package. There were all sorts in it as usual but Bel ate nothing, preferring to save herself for a slap up feed at the pub.

She had a sly grin on her face which Crusty missed as he was too busy shovelling food into the gaping orifice at the front of his face.

"How come yer feeding me before we get to't pub Bel?"

"Well I didn't want to see ya go hungry lad. Oh here, there's a bunch o' bananas on't back seat as well!"

"Ta Bel!"

By the time they'd reached their destination Crusty was full to busting, but he believed he could manage another dinner plate full of something.

They got out of the car and Bel marched towards the family entrance with Crusty in tow. When they got in she dragged him to one side of the building and Crusty was overjoyed.

"Bel, Bel! Are ya tekkin' me into't Wacky Warehouse? I've allers wanted to see wot were in there!"

"Yeh, this is where ya can stop while I'm having me dinner."

Eh?

"But wor'about my din-dins Bel? Where do I feed?"

"Ya've bin fed on't way here. Ya don't honestly think I'd tek ya into a nice restaurant like this did ya wi' your manners?"

Sulk!

"So wockle I do in here then?"

"Well go an' keep yerself out o' mischief. Go and play wi't little kiddies in't sand pit and ball pit. Ya could make a nice sand castle!"

Sulk!

"Burra don't like kids."

"Ger'in! I'll be back for ya in a bit!"

"Bel please stop treating me like a lickle kid!"

"Well stop bluddy-well acting like one then!"

"But please Bel, please! I promise faithfully on me honour thar'if ya tek me wi' ya in there I'll be as good as gold. I'll sit quiet, won't ask for any scraps, won't make any pig noises - in fact I'll not say one single word. Swear to God on me honour I'll not an' I'll not do any slavverin' or droolin' either, promise!"

She weakened.

"Okay then. Bur'if I hear just one sound comin' out of yer gob ya'll cop it."

They went into the restaurant and found a table for two. The place was immaculate and Crusty craned his neck all the way round to see everything.

"It's ......"

"Shuttit!"

She placed her order with the waitress and fifteen minutes later her meal was delivered and placed in front of her.

Sluuuurp!!

Bel glared at him but said nothing.

Crusty's eyes had boinged out of his head when he saw the monster-sized plate full of succulent roast lamb with mint sauce, roast potatoes, new potatoes, green beans, carrots and sprouts. Bel picked up the gravy boat and poured the lot onto her meal, then seasoned it.

The pepper got up Crusty's massive, mis-shapen hooter.

Aaaah aaaah aaaah

"You bluddy dare!"

From his pocket he took his grotty handkerchief and covered his face.

Kaaaachooo!

"Crusty! Put that filthy owd snot rag back in yer pocket before we all come down wi' summat. Have ya bin cleanin't drains wi' it!"

He looked up at her sorrowfully, knowing that he mustn't under any circumstances answer her, so he just shook his head, no!

He signalled to her for a writing implement and a piece of paper, so she fumbled in her handbag and gave him a pen and pad.

He started to write something down on both sides, slowly, inexorably then he showed it to her.


"Well get gone and hurry up and don't forget to ....."

He turned the page over where he'd written something else down.


"Reet, get gone!"

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Bel continued with her meal in peace while he was gone, eating slowly and savouring every mouthful.

Half an hour went by and she finished her food then ordered a cup of tea.

"Crusty d'ya want a cup o' ......! Neh where's he getten to?"

She hadn't realised he hadn't re-appeared from the toilets, but ordered the tea anyway, explaining to the waitress that she'd be back in a minute when she'd found her friend.

"He'll've getten locked in't lavvy!" she explained.

Once more she asked a young lad coming out of the toilets to see if there was a doddery owd bugger in there.

The lad nipped back, checked then came out again.

"Sorry missus, there's no doddery owd buggers or anyone else in there!"

"Oh no, nor'again!!"

There were a lot of people at the Red Robin due to its popularity, especially on a Sunday afternoon.

Finally, she found him sitting on a high stool at the bar in the other room with his second whisky in his hand, chatting to a young couple.

He'd barged up to the bar and got between them and ordered the whiskey, and then pretended that he'd left his wallet at home. The young man had kindly bought him the drink, feeling sorry for the poor old man.

In payment, Crusty had charmed them with some of his tales as a helmsman, pilot and ENT surgeon and had had them in stitches with the funny way he spoke, so they bought him another. They didn't believe him, of course, but as he was such a wag they thought a couple of whiskies were worth it.

He was just nearing the end of the tale about his arse catching fire in his caff, when Bel sidled up beside him.

She prodded him with a sharp finger on the shoulder and the Cornish pasty that he'd secreted in there flirted out of the front of his jacket.

As he bent down to pick it up, she gave a swift boot up the arse, picked him up manually and sat him back down on the bar stool again.

"Hiya Bel. Worra ya bootin' me up th'arse fo' now? I were just telling this nice young couple here a few of me tales!"

"Were ya now? Well, I'd like to apologise to this nice young couple who've had to pur'up wi' you moiderin' and bluddy pesterin' again. I am sorry, but this owd duffer here is an expert moiderer. Here, this'll cover the cost of the drinks ya've obviously bought him. He wouldn't be able't ger'is wallet open and even if he could, he wouldn't fork out for whiskey. My apologies once more!"

With that she gave the young man a five pound note, lifted Crusty off the stool, tucked him under her arm, and marched off with him, back to the restaurant area where their cups of tea were waiting.

From under her arm he started wailing again.

"Wot's me punishment this time Bel?"

"No Club toneet!"

"I'll go on me own then!"

"No ya'll not. Yer coming wom wi' me so as I can keep me eye on ya!"

"But Bel!"

"But nowt!! Ya promised me faithfully that ya'd behave and ya didn't so no Club toneet!"

"I'll pay!"

Eh!!

"Repeat that very slowly."

"I will pay!"

"Alreet then. While we're in Pem I'll tek ya wom while ya ger'a nice shower and change into summat proper, and then I'll come for ya again at seven, okay?"

"Reet Bel. Brilliant!"

After she'd dropped him off she went back home to shower, do her hair and found a nice outfit to put on.

They rarely went to the Club on a Sunday, but as Crusty was so enthusiastic about his little Irish singer, he'd convinced her she'd really enjoy it so she started to look forward to going.

Right on the dot Bel arrived at Crusty's festering abode.

Bang, bang, hommer, hommer!

"Just coming Bel! Wait till ya see wor'ave getten on for't Club!"

She groaned out loud.

"Now wot?"

He opened the door and there he stood all spruced up like a dog's dinner.

"Bluddy hell! I'll say this much for ya owd lad. When yer all dressed up ya can hardly tell there's any chimp in ya at all. Let me look at ya!"

She walked all the way round him and he spun round in circles till she was dizzy, so she grabbed him by the shoulders and made him stand still.

"Well ya favver a right bobby dazzler toneet owd lad! I like them owd grey trousers ya've getten on and that white shirt's actually white! Ya must've ironed it at some stage as there's not so many creases in it. Yer red tie looks nice with yer outfit owd lad but in all honesty it favvers yer tongue danglin' down, but ne' mind. Neh then, go an' get yer jacket on then we'll be ready for th'off!"

He was grinning wildly now because his Bel had complimented him and his tongue did start dangling again, but she made him put it back because it looked like he had two ties on!

He scurried off then came back with his owd black jacket on, but for once it looked reasonable and ........

There were no barm cakes or pies in his shoulders!!

"Hast getten yer wallet?"

"Yis Bel," he said patting his pocket where he'd secreted the welded wallet.

"Have ya chipped all't crud off it so as ya con open it?"

"Er ..... yis Bel!"

"Reet, let's get gone then!"

They trundled off to the Club arm in arm, looking forward to a wonderful evening's entertainment!


© Mollie M
14.05.03

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

another good read Mollie. Was trying to imagine him swinging through trees Wonder what will happen at the club! Can't imagine him looking good in his outfit for the club Felt sorry for him with Bel taking him to restaurant with no intention of letting him eat there!