14-12-2016, 09:51 PM
1482
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
...or;Harry Potter should start a boy-band and name it Wand Direction...
geddit? eh?
Ok,try this one...Neil Diamond's name used to be Neil Coal
. . . until the pressure changed him....
oh,ffs-wossamatta wiv yooz lot,hmm?
Right - last try - - -
Due to the sudden rainfall causing floods and disruption,DFS are selling record numbers of sofas - apparently,they have a sail on....
14-12-2016, 11:42 PM
1484
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
“Huge strides”
An excellent selection of originals there Pug old mate, I'll work them into a silly little script, thanks for that help.They are all regulars and easily pleased, they know me well so I get away with murder, usually I’m a bit nervous, but once I get a few into me I’m away in a hack. They have a little square platform at the end of a long table for whoever is singing, tap dancing, reciting poems or whatever, actually it’s not one table, it's several tables pulled together. They also play music for dancing to later on.
The management provide the grub and the drink every year, lifts home are provided too, either by private car or taxi, a nice gesture as not many do this type of thing for pensioners anymore over here, as one very old lady said to me recently “The nature is leaving the people” I have to say I agree with her.
15-12-2016, 02:19 AM
1485
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
one for RJ in the mode of Uncle Vivian!At a big family do to celebrate my great grandmothers 90th birthday I disgraced myself. My great grandmother came round the party with a plate of cheese nibbles. She offered me some and I was told a few years later by my parents, who were in fits of laughter, that I replied "No thank you great grandmother - it makes me cock stiff"
15-12-2016, 06:09 AM
1486
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
how about this one?Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the social world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties -
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"..
15-12-2016, 09:04 PM
1487
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
See,Jemstone? We're all givin' it max thinkability,here,so YOU can fall between the tables with a merry quip left in place to keep your orjunce laughing until your return....so,wiv that in mind...Should Snoopy annuals carry a health warning...ie...'may contain peanuts'...
Y'know that Particle Collider? I can't think about it without getting a Hadron!
I have a sarcastic washing machine-it takes the piss out of my undies!
I bought Mrs Jemstone a fridge last Xmas-she loved it-when she opened it,her face lit up!
And as for that new 'ABBA' toilet....WHAT a loo!
Ai thenkyoh....[psst-play me off while theyre' still asleep...quick!]
SEE? They ol' folks'll never forget you,Jemstone
You'll be in the annals of comedic history,bruv...just like my Welsh mate,Dai Laffin!
15-12-2016, 10:48 PM
1489
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
Everything went well at the do today, thanks for your help lads.
I was talking to an old lad today and he was on about old Indian sayings so I looked up a few, very interesting but I don’t always understand them, like the Fox and the Rabbit in this lot.
Every animal knows more than you do. -Nez Perce
To touch the earth is to have harmony with nature. -Oglala Sioux
When a fox walks lame, the old rabbit jumps. -Oklahoma
A starving man will eat with the wolf. -Oklahoma
A danger foreseen is half-avoided. -Cheyenne
The coward shoots with shut eyes. -Oklahoma
It is easy to be brave from a distance. -Omah
I looked through my family history to try to find some family sayings or mottos, Here are a few from the McJem Clan.
"Follow not those who know not where they are going” One of my ancient ancestors quoted this when Columbus asked him to sign on as a crewman back in 1492.
"Never swallow anything with hair on it" (My Granny, the best cook I ever knew)
"Don’t be afraid to go out in the dark, some Vampires may be gummy" (Our family dentist)
"The Eagle is quick but he can never outrun you” (Cousin Colin the coward)
"You don’t need a hammer to break a heart” (Rudolf McJem, the ladies man in the family)
"If you have skeletons in the closet you may as well make them dance" (Aunt Mary, the author, who picked all the juicy family scandals for her novels.
16-12-2016, 07:58 PM
1490
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
You all know that old song “I Wonder”“I wonder how each mother knows
What baby tries to say
Why little children learn to walk
And someday walk away”
Well there’s a chap who sings this every year as his party piece, he’s not a bad singer as pub singing goes, but he tries to sing it in an operatic voice and when he comes to the bit above about the little children it always makes me titter, it comes out like “Why lee-tal children learn to walk” Lethal children? God forgive him, you’d think he was singing about the kids in the Village of the Damned.
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