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13-12-2011, 12:49 AM
1

Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Neh this is worra calls an aeroplane!" he enthused, wishing he'd brought his snack-a-mac with him. He'd left it in the Air Commodore's office in its carrier bag.

There were very few people around as it had started to shower hard and most people visiting the museum had gone indoors out of the weather.

But not Crusty! As I said, he scuttled off outside.

Well you know what's coming don't you?

You don't! Honestly?

Okay I'll tell you but you'll think I'm making it up.

Well, using the rope ladder, he clambered his way up the plane like he was scaling the North Face of Kilimanjaro and crawled into the cockpit to have a look at the controls, just like he'd done with the coach. As normal, he was fiddling with this and fiddling with that then he strapped himself into the seat just like a real pilot!

He put on the facemask, which he found on the other seat and pretended to be speaking into the radio.

"Okay. Roger. Will co. There's a bogey on yer tail! Ba BOOM!"

This time he was pretending to be Biggles on a secret mission (more like Boggles as he wanted the toilet again, but not for a pee this time) and was pulling handles, pressing buttons, knobs and anything else that was moveable and he removed the facemask so he could see things properly.

The Air Commodore had only been in the office for ten minutes or less when he returned and had to start a search for Crusty. One of these days Crusty would get himself so lost that eventually he'd find out that he'd disappeared up his own arsehole! He was like the Scarlet Pimpernel. They seek him here, they seek him theer, they seek owd Crusty everyweer!

Alistair suddenly remembered Bel's warning after speaking with her on the phone. She'd wanted to know how Crusty was enjoying himself and if he wasn't too much for the old man. She told him also that her meeting had finished and she was just ten minutes away from the Museum.

It was all Bel's fault. If she hadn't phoned to speak to him, Alistair wouldn't have left Crusty to his own devices, thereby allowing him to get into the worst mischief he'd ever been in. And the most dangerous!

After searching for him inside he decided to look outside. At the same moment that the Air Commodore went outside to look for the elusive Crusty, Crusty had spotted a red button inside the cockpit and had wondered what it was for. Everything had been de-activated (or so it was thought) and everything had stickers on saying DO NOT TOUCH!

We all know that Crusty has trouble reading.

We all know that he can't keep his mitts to himself.

We all know that red is the colour for danger, but you all know Crusty by now! He'd pressed all the other knobs, levers and buttons without incident and had decided to leave this one to the very last while it was a different colour from the rest.

With a grin and a snicker he pressed that irresistible red button and all hell let loose!

Bel had just pulled up in her car and watched the following events.

Suddenly the canopy of the cockpit flew off and, at G-Force, he was evicted from the plane still strapped into the ejector seat! His startled face crumpled like a melted rubber mask as he flew high up into the clouds where he said "how do" to a gaggle of geese heading south for the winter, one of whom grabbed him by the nose in its beak and flung him out of its way.

Paaaa - rip!! Blobble!

Crusty was on a death roll! It wasn't as good as a cheyse roll though!!

Holding his throbbing nose he brought his knees up as close to his chin as his belly would allow, then he clung onto the ejector seat for grim death, his eyeballs were spinning and his tongue became practically prehensile as he caught flying insects on it during his journey into outer space. He favvered a UFO!

His tongue favvered one of them owd fly papers that you used to dangle from the ceiling a few decades ago, and it swung about so much that it would be hard to imagine any barm cakes being missed on a conveyor belt that was travelling at thirty miles an hour!

He quite liked it up there in the outer atmosphere on his trip toward the moon. The air was clean and fresh but it was bloody cold. He started singing at the top of his voice because he knew Bel couldn't batter him:

"He flies through the air with the greatest of ease
This stupid owd fart that is going to freeze"


Crusty could have stopped up there all day looking at the ant-like creatures rushing around down below. It was only when he stopped going up that he started to panic. He started to kid himself by flapping his arms!

"I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
Spread your wings and fly away
Think about it every night and day!"


For once in his life he'd got the words to a song right! The tune was wrong but the words were right.

He was approximately one thousand feet up in the air when another flock of birds came at him, just at the same moment when his lunch was settling, and he farted loudly and followed through, partly through fear.

Paaarp, paar-rip, blobble-blobble!

The birds came to a screeching halt in mid air and one, poor bugger who had been closest, dropped to earth gassed into unconsciousness! The rest of the family flew on to warmer climes. Poor bird was left flapping its wings on the ground and gasping for air.

He reached the highest point and, just before going into a permanent orbit around the earth, he started his descent in a flat spin. Down he zoomed, big hooter looking like the nose cone of a botched up home-made bomb, spiralling down with much faster velocity and travelling at the speed of an Exocet missile! Luckily for him his nasty owd black jacket being three sizes too big flew off into outer space and his baggy shirt, which he had on under his braces, was sucked out from where it had been tucked into his trousers.

Because of the downdraught, the shirt folded up over his head creating a poor man's parachute, and he clumsily glided for a while then fell back down to earth with a splash in a small nearby lake.

Was this the end of the Owd Black Jacket?

The old Commodore was quickly on the case. He'd seen the trajectory Crusty was taking and knew exactly where he was going to land. On impact, Alistair dived into the water to save the flailing Crusty.

He was dragged out by his braces and had a fish in his mouth when his head popped out of the water. Fortunately, the water had given him a good swishing down thereby erasing the skid marks in his knickers and the embarrassing moment in the air when he'd crapped himself.

The ambulance, which Bel had phoned for during Crusty's ascent, arrived within minutes and he was carted off to the hospital, where his right leg and left arm were put into traction!

Hitting water is just as bad as hitting concrete from a high altitude and poor Crusty was in agony and, once the doctors and nurses had finished with him, Crustabel and the Commodore came to visit him at his bedside.

"Bel, Bel am a commode Bel!" said Crusty, who was now comfortable in bandages and traction.

He was making sure everyone could hear him, tongue dangling out again and grinning his head off at being centre of attention again. Everyone was fussing around him, and the Commodore for carrying out yet another heroic deed.

"I've been tellin' ya thar'a p!ss pot for ages!" answered Bel dryly to Crusty's comment.

Crusty grinned away and knew that the newspapers would soon get a-hold of this story and he'd be in the papers again.

"Now do you see what I mean Alistair? Didn't I warn you that he wasn't safe to be left on his own for even one second!"

"You did indeed dear Crustabel, and I am so very sorry. I only left him to go to the office when you phoned me!"

"So what you're saying is it's my fault that he's in this condition?" she sighed.

"Oh no Crustabel, not at all. I should have got someone else to stay with him!"

"I shouldn't have fetched him here in the first place!"

They both shook their heads and sighed again.

Crusty's head had been swivelling, like his neck was on a ball joint, from one to the other as each had spoken in their turn.

"So wor'appens now then Bel?"

"Well you're going to have to stay here for about a week, or two, Crusty and then I'll get you transferred to Wigan Infirmary when you're fit to travel!"

"Burrall not be able't walk Bel, not for ages! Wor'about me lickle job?"

"I know lad, don't worry about it. I'll get a plane to take you home and I'll speak to Jim at the cafe!"

"A plane Bel? Yer not gerrin me in another plane! The last one clod me out, that's why I'm here!"

"Do you know Crusty, it must be a real strain on your one and only brain cell! A bloody amoeba's probably got more sense! The reason you're here is because one, you didn't behave yourself, two, you started meddling with stuff you knew nothing about and three, because you're a stupid old fart. That's the reason you're here. Now then, what sort o' flowers do you like best Crusty and I'll fetch you some?"

"Cauliflowers Bel!"

"You see what I mean Commodore?"

He nodded his head sadly.

Bel and the Commodore shook their heads as they looked down upon the Crusty and sighed once more!


© Mollie M
22.03.02
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14-12-2011, 01:21 AM
2

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Oh dear, oh dear, can it get any worse, I wonder? Does he ever learn?

I love the extremeties of the story......one minute Crusty is quietly engrossed in his colouring book and the next, being ejected out of an aeroplane!

Another brillant read!
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14-12-2011, 01:30 AM
3

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Originally Posted by Berxer ->
Oh dear, oh dear, can it get any worse, I wonder? Does he ever learn?

I love the extremeties of the story......one minute Crusty is quietly engrossed in his colouring book and the next, being ejected out of an aeroplane!

Another brillant read!
I'm afraid it does get worse, and no, he never learns.

He's a little monkey, isn't he?
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14-12-2011, 01:39 AM
4

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Very funny Mollie. Only Crusty could get ejected from an aeroplane and meet a gaggle of geese in mid air
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14-12-2011, 02:06 AM
5

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Yep, he's a one-off!

The trouble is, he starts off with the best of intentions, then gets himself into so much mischief that only a Crusty could do!
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14-12-2011, 10:02 AM
6

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

I will really have to save this wonderful story for a very rainy day, every time I try and catch up something crops up, just settled down to read and I've just been called into work drat
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14-12-2011, 06:46 PM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Aw Kitty, that's a shame. Hope you do manage to catch up at some point.
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14-12-2011, 10:31 PM
8

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

57

The Phantom Farter of Old Lower Johnson
(and Bel Sorts Out an Old Foe!)



It was nearer three weeks before Crusty was fit enough to be MEDEVACCED out of Somerset and he'd driven just about everybody doolally, including himself!

Bel hired a helicopter ambulance that was fitted with all the necessary equipment to ensure Crusty's comfort but he'd screamed, yelled and kicked up such a fuss when she said she'd follow on in her car that she decided to join him in the air and see him personally into Lower Johnson Ward at Wigan Infirmary, which is men's surgical.

He was scared to death now of being more than a foot off the ground and he told her that he needed his Bel with him to make sure he didn't fall out of the aircraft. Although he was firmly strapped in on a stretcher, he wouldn't allow the pilot to take off until he'd been fitted with a real proper parachute and goggles!

Just in case!

After she had him settled in nicely at the local Infirmary she got back into the chopper, which was waiting nearby, and returned to Somerset where she stayed over-night. Crusty had asked her to remember to pick up his snack-a-mac which he'd left in the museum office and she then drove back home the next day, having said her fond farewells to the Commodore.

She was totally shattered when she finally got home and could have slept for a week. As Crusty was temporarily out of action, she was going to take as much rest as she could get. She wasn't getting any younger but she was by no means as old as Crusty either. He just made her feel old sometimes!

Her meetings in Yeovil had gone exceptionally well and the company that had put forward the idea of a merger with one of her own had been acceptable within a short space of time, so she was able to devote hospital visiting time to Crusty for the remainder of his stay in hospital.

She'd booked rooms for one week thinking there were going to be long protracted meetings and discussions but the presented manifesto that she read had been well thought out and the figures all added up. She stayed in Somerset until Crusty was well enough to travel so had to make new arrangements again for Palethorpe.

She was already a wealthy woman, but this new venture was going to raise her to much greater heights and was toying with the idea of buying an even larger house and at long last employing some staff to do the household chores! She could have afforded that long ago but had decided against it, valuing her privacy. On the other hand, she didn't need a larger house as the ten bedrooms and five bathrooms were adequate enough, but she did consider the staff.

Crusty was healing quite well, but being sixty eight it was still going to be a few more weeks before they would be able to even attempt to get him on physio and up onto crutches.

"That’ll be fun!" thought Bel wryly, and grinning at what he'd get up to again in the "hospickal".

Crusty had settled in quite nicely now in his hospital bed, even though he was still in traction. He liked watching the pretty little nurses running round after him, bringing him his grub and fetching him a telly to watch, with a remote control!!

It was flick flick here and flick flick there. He was driving the other patients bonkers but they did have a laugh with him as well.

He'd broken his right leg and left arm and with each limb lifted up in traction he favvered an SS officer from the Third Reich posing for the Goose Step!

He hadn't liked it in there at first because a nurse came over to him with a needle and told him she was going to take some blood samples from his thumb. He'd squeezed his eyes shut and started squawking, drawing yet more attention to himself.

"Don't be silly Mr Nibbleswick. It's only a little prick!"

"Well I cawn't help worrave been born wi'. There's no need to be rude to me. I'm a poorly man! Any road up, ya shouldn't be peeking!"

The nurse rolled her eyes up and sighed. You got all sorts in here!

In the evenings the older men who were mobile gathered around Crusty's bed and told tales of when they were younger, and Crusty told them all his tales too. They were particularly interested in the story of how he'd got himself put into traction. His story was somewhat different to the real tale though.

According to him, he had been a Commode in the RAF and had been brought out of retirement to fly a secret mission over Afghanistan. He'd been shot down and had managed to parachute down until it broke then he landed on some jagged rocks in a remote area and broke every bone in his body! He'd had to be airlifted out and smuggled back to the UK. There was more to it than that but that's the gist of it.

The only things that were giving him trouble now, he'd said, were the leg and the arm. All the men were agog at this story. So am I come to think of it, but nature has her own way of getting back at people, as you shall see.

Bel came to visit every evening to make sure he was alright and that he was behaving himself. He couldn't do much mischief because he couldn't get out of bed yet but he could tell plenty of tales as he'd plenty to tell. He had them in fits with laughter and he enjoyed the attention this gave him.

One evening as Bel was leaving she got chatting to another visitor. The lady told her that she must be very proud of her Crusty for his heroic deeds and, when questioned, the lady had mentioned the story Crusty had told about his bombing mission.

"Oh that! Oh yes of course I'm proud of him, the darling! My hero!" she grinned widely, but secretly decided to batter him when he was better.

The next night when she visited him again she grabbed him by the scruff as he lay there helpless.

"Neh then si' thi'. Wot's all this bluddy rubbish ya've been tellin' folk about how ya managed to get yerself into hospital?"

"Wot d'ya mean Bel?"

"I know wot ya've been tellin' these lads in here and before I leave tonight ya'll tell 'em the truth! Bombing mission my arse!"

"No Bel, no! I cawn't! Not now I've towd 'em one tale!"

"Yes ya can, an' ya will. Otherwise I'll tell 'em OR if you prefer I can shove a red hot poker up yer arse. The choice is yours!"

"Okay Bel, anything ya say Bel!" he sighed.

That put him out of favour for a couple of days for lying but because most of them were long-term patients it didn't take him long to rally them round again. In fact they went into bulk at the real story. They thought that was better than the lie he'd told.

Late one night when all was quiet, the lights dimmed and they were all tucked up in bed fast asleep there was a volley of noises so loud they ripped through the whole ward shattering the peace and quiet. The windows rattled in their frames and the curtains blew as if Hurricane Henry had hit! Everybody turned over in bed at the same time, mumbled, then settled back down again.

Then it started again!

"Oink, schnorrrt, mumble," faaart. "Oink, schnorrrt, mumble," faaart.

The nurse on night duty got up from her desk and walked with silent steps down one side of the ward and up the other side to see where the noise was coming from. All went silent again so she returned to her desk and paperwork, uninterrupted for at least another half an hour.

"Oiynk, schnorrrt, mumble," faaart. "Oiynk, schnorrrt, mumble," faaart.

It had started again, much louder this time and some of the patients had woken up with the racket but nobody could pinpoint where it was coming from as it echoed all around the room.

Next morning they were all talking about it.

"Did ya hear that bluddy racket goin' on last neet Crusty?"

"Wot racket were that Tommy? Once I'm asleep there's not much can wake me up as I switch off me hearing aid when I go't sleep!"

"It were an awful noise, grunting and farting. It were like there were a roomful o' pigs! Stunk bluddy rotten it did!"

"Pigs! Stink?"

Crusty started blushing and snickering but said nothing.

Bel came visiting again as usual that evening and Crusty was telling her all about the noises in the night.

"It's probably you. I've heard the bluddy racket ya make when we've had rooms next to one another, and especially when we were staying in that caravan. Sounded bluddy weel it did!"

"Bel?"

"Worisit!"

"Ya know when thar'aeroplane chucked me out in Somerset? Well, me owd black jacket flew off when I were on me way down. D'ya know wor'appened to it Bel?"

"Yeh, don't worry about that bluddy owd thing. I've getten it! We spotted a scabby owd dog dragging it round in its gob and trying't worry it and when it dropped it the poor bugger threw its brekkie up on it! Next thing we knew there were a mangy owd Billy goat running around the field and yer jacket got blown up in a gust of wind then it gor'ooked on its horns. It took some bluddy catching that Billy goat did! I ended up rugby tackling it and legging it up! Any road up I've brought it back wom for ya and shoved it in yer Crustamatic again. The dog had peed on it as well and it stunk rotten as usual! I've getten yer snack-a-mac an' all! That could do wi' a bluddy good wash too!"

"Ta Bel. Yer a real treasure. I don't know worrad do without ya! I'd lost all hope of ever seein' me jacket again!" he said, amazed at all the trouble she'd gone to for his owd black jacket.

"I don't know wot ya'd do bowt me either except that ya'd end up being a big fat lardy ballied farty arse wi' stinking feet an' a scummy neck! Oh, that reminds me. Let's havva look behind yer ears to make sure ya've washed 'em!"
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14-12-2011, 10:35 PM
9

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"No Bel leave me alone," he yelled struggling but unable to escape.

The other patients and visitors were watching, relieved that Bel wasn't visiting any of them! She grabbed him by the cauliflower ear and tugged his head forward while she inspected his ears and neck, then she slapped him round the back of the head.

"Ya nasty owd bugger! Ya've not cleaned the back o' them lugs for centuries! There's that much nast ya could grow five pound of King Eddies behind each one. Neh ger'em washed."

"I cawn't get to a bathroom though Bel!" he said smirking.

"Well I can!"

She got up and went to the bathroom and got some Vim and a scrubbing brush then came and scrubbed his grotty neck and ears until they were red raw and spotless.

The other patients and their visitors were having a ball watching these antics and Crusty, yelling and screaming, was shown up good and proper.

"Bel, Bel! The doctor said he might try givin' me a crotch tomorrer!" he said trying to bounce about with excitement

"Crutch, not crotch ya daft owd sod!"

"Yeh one o' them an' all. I'll soon be peylin' about round th'ospickal."

"Well see as ya don't ger'in any trouble!"

"Who me?"

"Yes, thee!"

-oo0oo-

The next morning Crusty was awoken from his slumber to the strains of somebody crooning to him like a typical pub singer, half an inch from his good lughole! The voice was worse than Crusty's if you can believe that. It was an old song and it was being sung by an old man!

"Thar'owd black jacket has me in its spell
Thar'owd black jacket that tha' wears so well ....."


"Garrrrumph-er" mumbled Crusty, followed by a juicy sounding explosion from his backside.

He opened his bleary eyes and rubbed them then looked into a familiar face.

"Aaaargh! Worra you doin' in 'ere Trevor? Ya've been towd to keep away once!"

"Hello my lickle kumquat! Thar'owd black jacket called lurrve!" he finished the song, tickling Crusty's chin.

"Ger'off me or I'll tell my Crustabel ya've bin botherin' me again!"

"I wus admitted this mornin' an'a spotted thi' straight away. Cawn't bluddy miss thi' really in all that traction. Tha' favvers summat from "Curse of the Mummy's bluddy Tomb". Wot's been doin' to thi'sell?"

Not daring to lie again because the other patients now knew the truth Crusty told him.

"I chucked meself out of an aeroplane an'a came down from a thousand feet and broke some bones!"

"Ya daft lookin' bugger. Neh mind, tha'll be fettled in no time then we can carry on where we left off. I need thi' in good nick for worrave getten in mind!"

"Bog off will ya. I don't want owt to do wi' ya!"

Trevor wasn't easily put off.

"I cawn't wait to see thi' in thi' owd black jacket again. I like seein' thi' all gussied up in thi' finery! Bluddy beautiful that jacket! One o't nicest I've ever seen and tha' looks proper grand in it! I wonder which tailor made it as it's beautifully cut!"

"Don't be so bluddy daft. It's just an owd jacket."

Trevor snickered and wandered off back to his own bed.

As Crusty was still confined to his bed he had to take all his meals from a little trolley table that was pushed up to his chest. He managed to eat using his one good hand provided the meat was cut up into bits for him.

He hadn't realised just how much you depended on two arms and two legs. Nobody knows unless they have to go through a period of time having one out of action for a while.

He managed well though but he would wouldn't he? Nothing was going to keep Crusty from eating. Even if his mouth had been stitched up he'd have found a way to by-pass his gullet! Don't worry! He'll never starve to death.

It was unfortunate though that the amount of hospital food wasn't quite enough to satisfy Crusty's fat belly so Bel regularly brought him packages of food that he could nibble on in between, and nibble he did.

Most of the other patients went into the day room to eat, chat and watch the telly and Crusty was pleased to be able to just lie in bed and do nothing but grumph and gobble and guzzle to his little heart's content.

This is the way it had been for several weeks, until Trevor arrived back on the scene that is.

It was different now though. The same day that Trevor made his presence known to Crusty he joined him at his bedside every meal time, telling the nursing staff that he and Crusty were old mates and would it be okay if he took his meals with the old lad while he couldn't move around much.

They had been delighted by the suggestion, despite Crusty protesting, saying that it would keep his morale up if he had someone to talk to at meal times but Crusty was most dis-chuffed and pleaded with the staff to be left alone.

They just smiled and patted his good arm and said that it would do him good to have a "friend" to chat to!
So Crusty had to put up with Trevor for the foreseeable, being tormented morning, noon and night although no one was aware of this as Trevor was a fawce bugger.
One afternoon, just after lunch, Crusty blew his stack as Trevor kept stroking his bad leg which made it hurt. He started yelling at the top of his voice.

"Nurse, Nurse help me Nurse. Nurse!! Help me pleeease!"

Trevor scuttled off again grinning his head off.

Crusty started pushing his alarm bell and carried on screeching and bouncing about until eventually a flustered little nurse rushed to his side.

"Whatever's to do Mr Nibbleswick. What's the panic?"

"It's that soft sod, that Trevor. He keeps moidering me to deeth. He fancies me ya know nurse. I had him clod out of the lickle caff I work at not long ago for keep pestering me!"

"Is that so? Don't be silly now. There's no one else here so you must have been dreaming. Come on now and settle yourself down. You'll do more damage if you keep bouncing about that like." she said with a wide grin on her face.

She didn't believe him.

Crusty was left with no option after that. He had to tell his Crustabel that Trevor was here in his ward but was worried at what she might do. This was a hospital after all! So far Trevor had managed to elude Bel so she'd no idea he was there and Crusty hadn't told her either.

"At least he'll be in't right place when she duffs him over again," he mumbled to himself miserably.

He decided to give Trevor one last chance.

After the nurse had settled Crusty back down again Trevor re-appeared smirking.

"They'll never catch me at it ya know Crusty. Am too bluddy fawce!"

"Neh lissen si' thi' Trevor. I cawn't pur'up wi' this much longer. It's not fair 'cos I cawn't escape wi' being fastened up in this contraption burrall tell thi' this much. If ya dussn't leave me alone I'll tell Crustabel again. Her'll gi' thi' a bluddy good pasting next time! Last time she belted ya it were only what she calls tickling somebody!"

Trevor threw his head back and laughed.

"Never in a million years will her manage to duff me o'er again. I towd thi', am too bluddy fawce!"

"Aye, ya think so bur'er's fawcer!"
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14-12-2011, 10:39 PM
10

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

The next day Crusty was up and about with a crutch under his arm much to his delight. It had taken him a while to get the hang of it but now he was hobbling about moidering everyone in sight showing everybody how smart he was and he couldn't wait until Bel visited him so he could show her what a clever boy he was!

She arrived as usual that evening with a carrier bag full of food and some comics for him and as she approached his bed, saw he wasn't there.

"Now wot's the daft old bugger gone and done this time?"

He came hobbling up behind her as fast and as quietly as he could.

"Bel, Bel, look Bel I've gor’a crotch!"

She almost jumped out of her skin as she spun round.

"Crutch, ya daft sod! Well done, Crusty. I'm proper proud o' ya!" she beamed.

He beamed back and his tongue flopped out with the effort as he tried to do a little dance on his crutch but almost ended up doing the splits so she made him sit down.

"It's good to see yer up an' about again owd lad," she smiled.

"Ta Bel. Bel I've summat to tell ya and yer not going to like it!"

"Wot's that lad? Have ya been gerrin into mischief again?"

"No Bel, honest Bel!"

"Worisit then?"

"Well ya remember that Trevor ya duffed up for me a few months ago?"

She nodded.

"Well Bel, he's here. In th'ospickal. In here wi' me Bel!"

"Ya mean he's been admitted to this ward?"

"Yeh an' he keeps moidering me again telling me he wants me in good condition burra don't know wot for and he kept tickling me all the time when I were in traction burra can escape him a little bit now. I'll be able to hobble faster when I get used to me new crotch!"

"Crutch! Reet I'll sort out that little fart face once and for all. Which bed does he sleep in?"

Crusty pointed to the furthest bed at the end of the ward on the left hand side, the opposite end to where the nurses' desk was.

"Reet lad. I'm goin' doin' a recce at thar'end o't ward. I'll not be long!"

She strode off, past Trevor's bed, which was empty, so she stopped and checked it over thoroughly before continuing then disappeared through a set of swing doors. This, she found, led to a sluice room then from that, the bathroom where she'd got the Vim and scrubbing brush the other day. A door led from the bathroom out onto a corridor.

Ideal!

She came back to Crusty who had been sitting on his bed waiting patiently for her.

"Wor'ave ya been doin' Bel?"

"Ask no questions and ya get told no lies," was all she'd say to him.

She handed him his Dandy and Beano then gave him his packages of grub which he ripped open immediately and started munching on a boiled ham barm. Then he stopped chomping and opened up the two halves of the barm cake.

"No cheyse?"

"No, not today Crusty. Yer not supposed to eat too much cheese so I thought I'd leave it off for once. Neh shurrup an' ger'em etten!"

"Okay Bel, ta Bel!"

At eight o'clock the bell rang for the visitors to make their departures.

"Neh lissen Crusty. No matter wot that Trevor does after I've gone don't ler'im rackle ya 'cos I've gor’a plan! Okay Crusty? Just be nice to him as if yer't best mates in't world."

"Okay Bel, I'll try. Thanks a lot Bel. See ya tomorrer!"

"Reet lad! I'll si' thi'."

-oo0oo-

Same night.

9 pm


Crustabel had gone home that evening white with anger at Trevor for tormenting poor old Crusty again. There were very few that came back after she'd doled out punishments as they usually knew better than to come back for more, but she'd sort out the scabby owd rat's arse once and for all.

She had a leisurely meal while she finalised her plan then went upstairs and found her black trousers, black polo neck jumper, Jack boots, black gloves and a black balaclava. She checked to make sure she had her knuckle-duster with her then after another hour or so went out to her car.

11 pm

She drove the eight miles or so to the Infirmary and managed to park up right away as the shifts were changing. She cut the engine and waited in the darkness until all went quiet. When there wasn't a soul around she got out of the car and made her way to Lower Johnson, taking the route around the ward and in through the door from the back way. She listened for any signs of movement but all was quiet so went through the door that led into the sluice room and stopped and listened again.

"Oink, schnorrrt, mumble," fart. "Oink, schnorrrt, mumble," fart!

"Good," she thought. "Crusty's asleep!"

She'd recognised his noises. It was him after all!

Midnight!

She then tiptoed through the swing doors and over to Trevor's bed. He too was fast asleep but interjected Crusty's snorting with sounds of his own.

"Kaploof, kerplup, gargle," fart. " Kaploof, kerplup, gargle," fart!

"They sound bluddy weel between 'em!" thought Bel, stifling a laugh.

Crusty carried on with his noises, each one getting louder and louder which began to drown Trevor's out!

Trevor was sleeping on his side so Bel sneaked around to the back of him then with a huge hand she made a grab covering his mouth and hauled him out of bed with the other hand.

"Schlop, gurgle, wossup .........!"

That's all he could manage.

After Crustabel had yanked him out she dragged him the three feet into the sluice room. Trevor's eyes were bulging with fear, having no idea who was assaulting him at this time of night!

From behind, Bel delivered one of her specialities. A double pile driver followed quickly with a triple whammy! Then she held him in a half Nelson while she kneed him up the arse five times. She let him go briefly and he dropped to the floor, her still behind him.

"Who are ya?" he asked fearfully, not daring to turn round.

Crustabel walked round to the front of him. He was still on his knees and the feet that appeared before him wore size nine Jackboots. He remembered those boots.

"Is it thee again? Tha' not duffin' me up again. It's 'cos o' thee tharram in here in't fust place."

Then she gave him a good punching that he would remember for the rest of his days. She didn't bother with the knuckle-duster this time. When she finished she was lathered so sat down for five minutes while she got her breath back, leaving Trevor squirming on the floor.

"Neh then lad. Worisit I did to put ya in here?"

"Well after tha'd kicked me in me nether regions I couldn't go an' have a proper pee so I went to me doctor. He asked me how I'd getten bruising down theer burra couldn't tell him thar'a woman had drop kicked me out of a caff so I made summat up. Ya know how it is? Any road up, he sent me to a specialist and here I am for an operation on me wotsits!"

Wor’a bluddy shame!

Bel had started to wobble with laughter as she sat in her chair.

"Serves ya reet! If ya hadn't kept moidering Crusty it would never have happened. Reet lad, I'll finish you off now and then I'll be on me way!"

"That's very thoughtful of you, ta very much!" said Trevor, wincing with pain. It hadn't occurred to him to call out for help while she was having a break.

She finished him off and then picked him up, shoved him back in his bed then left by the same door she'd entered. Nobody had seen her come or go and Trevor had made surprisingly little noise while she'd been lamping him apart from the occasional "oof" and "ouch" etc!

The next morning Crusty awoke brightly and immediately reached for his crutch. He wanted to be up and away for his brekkie in the day room. He'd just put his foot into his slipper, when he suddenly took special notice of Trevor's bed at the end of the ward.

Crusty got up and hobbled down to look at him.

His head had been bandaged and there were bits of sticking plaster all over his face, his eyes were bruised, his nose was covered, arms and legs everywhere.

"Neh wot's happened to thee in't neet?" asked Crusty barely concealing a big grin behind his hand. "Tha' looks as if tha's been run o'er wi' a steam roller!"

"I 'ave, an' its name was Crustabel!"

"I towd ya her'd duff ya o'er again but ya wouldn't lissen! I tried to warn ya!" said Crusty quietly.

He then doubled over and started laughing, almost falling on the floor. Turning he hobbled back up the ward again on his way to breakfast.

"Good old Bel," thought Crusty bubbling with laughter.

He left Trevor lying there, where he was going to stay for a good while by the looks of him.

He was in traction!

Crusty was going to have such fun!!

He started to make plans immediately!!

He was going to get his own back.

© Mollie M
02.04.02
 
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