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05-01-2018, 11:45 PM
541

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Q: If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father it?
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: What is the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

Q: What are some 'loving nicknames' we can use?
A: You should always call him 'Mr Smith'. You can also call him 'King Kong', 'Master' or 'Stud'. Men often call their favourite lovers 'Hey You' or 'Bitch'.

Q: Where should a man take me?
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their 'dates' out for 'fancy' meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonald's for a 'snack'.

The End (for now)
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06-01-2018, 05:58 PM
542

Re: Jokes for blokes

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the U.S.
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06-01-2018, 06:00 PM
543

Re: Jokes for blokes

What does a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
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10-01-2018, 05:09 PM
544

Re: Jokes for blokes

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room.

She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy.

Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
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10-01-2018, 05:13 PM
545

Re: Jokes for blokes

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'
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10-01-2018, 05:16 PM
546

Re: Jokes for blokes

Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said,

"John, I have a great idea ! We're going to go out and win back Middle England."

"Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it." said McDonnell.

"Well," said Corbyn, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh and a black Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub in Much Something in the Other, and we'll show that we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England."

"Right comrade.." says McDonnell.

So, a few days later, all kitted out with requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.

Eventually, they arrived in a quiet village and found a lovely pub and with the dog, went up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please." says Corbyn.

"Good evening Jeremy." says the Landlord - "Two pints of the best coming up."

Corbyn and McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and then to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and went back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over.

"Tell me, my man," said McDonnell,

"Why do all these people come and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the landlord.

"It's just that someone has told them that there is a Labrador in here with two arseholes."
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10-01-2018, 05:16 PM
547

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by oldgreyfox View Post
camilla, duchess of cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room.

She flopped on the bed and said, "charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."

her ever-obedient prince of wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge. "harder!" yelled camilla, "harder".

Charles yelled back: "i'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, charles let out a big groan and camilla exclaimed, "there! Oh god, that feels so good!"

in their bedroom next door, the queen said to prince phillip, "see! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

meanwhile, as charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "oh god, darling! This one's even tighter!"

at which prince phillip said to the queen, "that's my boy! He served in the navy.

Once a rear admiral, always a rear admiral!"
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10-01-2018, 05:19 PM
548

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by OldGreyFox View Post
Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said,

"John, I have a great idea ! We're going to go out and win back Middle England."

"Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it." said McDonnell.

"Well," said Corbyn, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh and a black Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub in Much Something in the Other, and we'll show that we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England."

"Right comrade.." says McDonnell.

So, a few days later, all kitted out with requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.

Eventually, they arrived in a quiet village and found a lovely pub and with the dog, went up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please." says Corbyn.

"Good evening Jeremy." says the Landlord - "Two pints of the best coming up."

Corbyn and McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and then to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and went back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over.

"Tell me, my man," said McDonnell,

"Why do all these people come and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the landlord.

"It's just that someone has told them that there is a Labrador in here with two arseholes."
Like it!
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12-01-2018, 08:11 PM
549

Re: Jokes for blokes

A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks, "Can you fry eggs?"

"Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England," replies the bloke. "Give me half a dozen."

So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with. After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one by one over his shoulder towards the frying pan, which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan.

"That's amazing," says the interviewer, "but it must have been a fluke."

"A fluke! Give me a dozen," says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale, so there's now 18 unbroken eggs sizzling in the pan.

"Well, then, do I get the job?"

"No, you piss about too much!"
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Yesterday, 12:01 AM
550

Re: Jokes for blokes

something to give the ladies some giggles


Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like Ziploc Bags ... They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Men are like Shoes ... They are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.
Men are like Tires ... They go bald and often are over-inflated.
Men are like Hot Air Balloons ... To get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them ... and, of course, there is the hot air part.
Men are like Subways ... They use the same old lines to pick people up.
Men are like Hammers ... They haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.
Men are like Lawn Mowers ... If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like Pantyhose ... They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.
Men are like Maps ... They make an inch into a mile.
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