humber bridge

A guy rode up to the Humber bridge on his bike screaming "I am going to jump off, I don't want any help I just want to die" and so he jumped. A passer by walking his dog jumped in the river and landed alongside the the first man who was still shouting,

"I don't want any help I want to die"


The second man said, "I ain't come to help you mate, where do you work?"
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A recent article in the Cape Times reported that a woman, one Jean Jansen has sued a local Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Jansen was actually admitted into our ophthalmology department for laser cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight..."

.................................................. ...................................Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

A long comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a

Duck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and

water, petrol can and jump leads.

I looked a right twit on the bus this morning.

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longest password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySac rame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."
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£25 win

I won £25 on the premium bonds today. Sue said I should spend it on her to make her look more beautiful.


So I bought a case of beer to drink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------Marriage

Marriage Commandments 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
Talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------baby camel questions

Young baby camel asks " Mummy why do I have such big feet?"
Mother "So you can walk across the desert sand and not sink in"

Young baby camel asks"Mummy why do I have such big eyelashes?"
Mummy " so when the wind blows in the desert you don't get sand in the eyes"

Young baby camel asks"Mummy why do I have a hump on my back?"
Mummy " So in the desert you have nourishment and don't die"


Young baby camel asks " Mummy why do I need these in Dudley Zoo?"

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#1
Poems

Poems

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.






A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a hoot.

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15-02-12, 07:48 PM#1
The difference if you marry a yorkshire girl!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The
first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away. ...


The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day
he didn ' t see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there
was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Yorkshire . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn ' t see
anything, the second day he didn ' t see anything either but by the third
day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out
of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself
a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

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