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susan m
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24-05-2015, 07:47 AM
1

you never really know someone

My lifelong friend was living with her partner for 14 years. I looked upon him as a brother . Three Years ago the police arrested him for sexually abusing his niece from the age of 3 to 8 . He admitted guilt. The girl had recently had her own child . He was imprisoned for 10 years . He will only serve 5 years . He comes out in 2 years time . In one year he will go into an open prison as they say he is not a predator.

My friend still loves him, has supported him while locked up with letters , money and phone calls . She intends having a relationship when he is free. I've talked to her many times about it, she says she loves the man she knew , who cared for her and loved her . To me , she is not seeing the true picture of what he did . She accepts what he did , yet can't accept the reality of the fact he was a liar , lived a lie, and the severity of doing what he did .

I too believed in this man , saw him as a brother , yet I can't forget or forgive him . He lived in the family home with the child . This was before my friend met him . It's thought the abuse stopped when he moved in with my friend . I never want to see him again .

When she restarts her relationship with him in 2 years I don't know if we will see each other again , as I don't want to know of him or how his life will continue.

Your thoughts please
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24-05-2015, 08:44 AM
2

Re: you never really know someone

I would never try to influence your decision on this Susan - I can only say that I would feel exactly as you do.
A man capable of this, I would never trust ..............
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24-05-2015, 09:01 AM
3

Re: you never really know someone

This is a hard one Susan. I too would feel the same way as you do.

Try to hang on to your friendship if you can but it will have to be from a distance. Let her know you're there should she ever need you & then step back. She'll need a friend when she takes the blinkers off!
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24-05-2015, 09:05 AM
4

Re: you never really know someone

What a difficult, delicate situation Susan. The man is a child abuser. The child he abused will be mentally scarred. If he wasn't caught then who would he abuse next? Your friend is obviously besotted by him. They will live a life of stigma when he is released. I would not want any involvement with a situation like that.

I feel for the girl he sexually abused, and for you who has had a sly deceitful friend. His partner needs to take stock of her thoughts.
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24-05-2015, 09:19 AM
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Re: you never really know someone

When she restarts her relationship with him in 2 years I don't know if we will see each other again , as I don't want to know of him or how his life will continue.

Your thoughts please
Susan, a difficult situation for you and one which must be very painful

Maybe the best thing for you would be to tell your friend very calmly exactly how you feel and that when the time comes you will still be there if she needs you. She may need a friend one day.

You say the man is not coming out for two years, that is quite a long time away and things can change in that time.
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24-05-2015, 09:26 AM
6

Re: you never really know someone

Originally Posted by susan m ->
My lifelong friend was living with her partner for 14 years. I looked upon him as a brother . Three Years ago the police arrested him for sexually abusing his niece from the age of 3 to 8 . He admitted guilt. The girl had recently had her own child . He was imprisoned for 10 years . He will only serve 5 years . He comes out in 2 years time . In one year he will go into an open prison as they say he is not a predator.
Your thoughts please
I've not had great experience of this kind of thing but I found out something some time back that made me so very angry.

My sister was married to a useless idiot years ago and he fathered two children.

The marriage went South around 1985.

She met a bloke that I disliked on sight - I know you shouldn't judge people like that but there was something about him I did not trust.

There was then a major falling out and I've not seen any of my mother or that side of the family since.

I found that my daughter had been in contact in the past with not only my Mother but also my sister.

She hadn't told me this because she thought I'd be annoyed.

The excuse for a human being my sister lived with raped my niece, several times and had something to do with my nephew that turned him from a nice lad to a drug addict and he committed suicide.

My niece is in the care of her mother but she's like a child although she is 42 this year.

I can't express the loathing and hatred I felt for this man but I have been told by a friend in the Police Force in Luton that this man has been in and out of prison several times for offences against children yet has been released early - again and allowed to return to the same area.

Every time I hear "lessons have been learned" I remember my niece and nephew - one dead the other lost in her own world forever. stevmk2
Julie1962
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24-05-2015, 09:28 AM
7

Re: you never really know someone

If your own friendship with this man is over can you remain friends with his wife ? I would think that very difficult and it may be all you can do is tell her you will be there for her if it all goes wrong but back off from them both. It's an extremely difficult position for you to have been put in but it is possible in 2 years for the wife to have changed her mind especially if she realises she won't have the same friendships with everyone else she had before and he is unlikely to have any friends at all.
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24-05-2015, 09:28 AM
8

Re: you never really know someone

Originally Posted by stevmk2 ->
I've not had great experience of this kind of thing but I found out something some time back that made me so very angry.

My sister was married to a useless idiot years ago and he fathered two children.

The marriage went South around 1985.

She met a bloke that I disliked on sight - I know you shouldn't judge people like that but there was something about him I did not trust.

There was then a major falling out and I've not seen any of my mother or that side of the family since.

I found that my daughter had been in contact in the past with not only my Mother but also my sister.

She hadn't told me this because she thought I'd be annoyed.

The excuse for a human being my sister lived with raped my niece, several times and had something to do with my nephew that turned him from a nice lad to a drug addict and he committed suicide.

My niece is in the care of her mother but she's like a child although she is 42 this year.

I can't express the loathing and hatred I felt for this man but I have been told by a friend in the Police Force in Luton that this man has been in and out of prison several times for offences against children yet has been released early - again and allowed to return to the same area.

Every time I hear "lessons have been learned" I remember my niece and nephew - one dead the other lost in her own world forever. stevmk2
What a sad story Steve. It's the awful aftermath these people leave behind.
jaywalker
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24-05-2015, 09:51 AM
9

Re: you never really know someone

The blindness of some women in these situation just amazes me - think the Yorkshire Ripper's wife. I once knew a school psychologist who was found guilty of sexually abusing many boys in his care for years. His wife simply refused to believe it and stood by him after he was released from prison. How could you have any sort of relationship with someone like that.
Markey1
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24-05-2015, 12:33 PM
10

Re: you never really know someone

Nobody knows how many victims this one chap has, been sent down for one they know off , another thing you have to be carefull off , ok you don't want to know him , but your good friends of his wife , when he comes out of prison he be under the sex offenders list , soon Theres a rape in his neighbourhood first thing the police look at is the known peados in the area , he will properly be question about his wear abouts some time in his life , people arnt fools and will quickly find out he a child abuser , and he and his wife will get a very hard time , and people associated with them will also get a raw deal , people will tar one with the same brush . But as soon he released I don't know if the victim lives nearby , if so she or he might of had a I condition at crown court if he guilty of the offence he can't move back in the same area as the victim , but you be surprise how quickly the public in his area will find out what he done ,

Just be carefull if you do remain in contact with her , because people will label you and could make your life differcult , even though you done no wrong
 
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