Re: Tall Story 2

"We'll just have to bide our time till he gets out the nick tomorrow, but he'll ave to get his prostate problem fixed cos he's piddlin for Britain and he's getin a bit whiffy" said Elsie. They looked for a b&b to spend the night. There was a "vacancies" sign outside Hatchet House. "Oh well, we'll try this one" said Bertha. They knocked on the door........

Re: Tall Story 2

... after deciding to ask for just 2 rooms. The 3 ladies could share one, and Hamish & Big Willy another one.
A blonde lady opened the door, her huge bust getting there first. "Yes, me beauties, what can I do for ye?" she said, winking.
"We need 2 rooms for the night Miss, and no fancy prices," replied Bertha.
"I can do that alright, none of my rooms cost much" said the buxom wench. "Come on in, me name's Rosey Bottom".
Big Willy's eyes nearly popped out of his head, as he eyed up Rosey Bottom. It was lust at first sight for him.
"5 shillings a night, is that alright?" said Rosey, and they all agreed it was, and were shown to their rooms.
That night, just as the ladies were dropping off to sleep, they heard voices and a bit of a commotion outside their room. "Sounds like Big Willy's voice" said Elsie.
"Yeah, you're right, and that scream sounded like Rosey Bottom's. I didn't like the way he was looking at her earlier, my guess is he's after her" answered Bertha, "Leave this to me." With that, she opened the bedroom door just as Willy was running past with no clothes on, and slapped him round the back of his head with a large wet kipper.....

Re: Tall Story 2

.....that she found in her bedroom sink. "Oi, what was that for?" asked Big Willie. "Get yer mucky paws off Rosey Bottom's bottom" said Bertha. Suddenly Rosey could be heard shouting "big Wilie - catch me if you can titter titter". "See" said Big Willie, "you;ve just spoilt me moment of passion with that flippin kipper". A shamed faced Bertha turned round, put the kipper back in the sink and climbed back into bed. Early next morning....

Re: Tall Story 2

..... the girls were awoken by the smell of something fishy. After a lot of argument, Elsie agreed to put on a clean pair of knickers, but the smell persisted. Just then Rosie came in, strode over to the sink and said, "Oh so that's where I left breakfast." She lifted the stinking kipper and headed off back out of the door with it.

"I wonder if Pappy will get out of the nick this morning?" said Lil. We can't do anything without a driver."

"I wouldn't know," said Bertha, "I've never played golf."

Re: Tall Story 2

Lil shook her head and looked at Bertha in despair. She sighed and said "right me old mates, get yerselfs in gear and it's off to pick up Pappy and get the treasure". They set off towards the local nick. Pappy was brought out the cell. "Hope you've learned yer lesson" said the cop on duty. "and make that appointment with the urology clinic". Pappy and co made their way back to the bus. They were all a bit worse for wear and Lil suggested a hair of the dog on the way. She was parched. They stopped at the next pub, the Wane Kers Bar. Another 6 rounds went down. Pappy said "I'm in no state to drive". Over and over again Big Willie kept thinking about the treasure and started wondering if the money would have to be spent on them all signing in to the Betty Ford Clinic. "We'll ave to spend the night on the bus" said Elsie. I'm skint" Lil said "don't worry Elsie, Ive an answer to that"........

Re: Tall Story 2

..... "We could hire Willy out to stud for tonight. He'd be happy enough, and it'd keep his snoring off our bus for a night too," said Bertha. "How much should we charge for 'im, do yer think?"
"Charge? Charge? Well I wouldn't 'ave him as a free gift!" said Elsie. "Who's gonna pay anything for that great, gormless clod. Yer all mad."
"Mmm, perhaps yer right gals, he aint much to look at that's fer sure, and he stinks to high heaven an' all," replied Bertha.

By now, Pappy had fallen into a deep sleep, snoring his head off and dribbling all over the steering wheel. They shook their heads in despair. But just at that moment, Hamish came up with another idea ....

Re: Tall Story 2

"How about we do a bit of busking in the town centre. Big Willie could be the conductor waving his stick about while Lil plays the drums on the tin box and the rest of us could sing. Does anyone know any decent songs ?"

Re: Tall Story 2

Bertha suggested she sing "if you think I'm sexy, do you want me body", but that fell on deaf ears...... Hamish said " it needs to be something that pulls the crowds around, not send them off". Bertha drew him such a look. Elsie then came up with a brainwave. "Lil can play the song from Dirty Dancing on her tin box, I'll sing it and Big Willie and Bertha can reinact the final dance scene". Bertha looked chuffed but Big Willie wondered if he could manage to catch a heffer in mid air. " OK" said Big Willie, "we'll give it a go". Suddenly Elsie burst into song " I've had the time of me life" whilst Big Willie and Bertha started girating.....

Re: Tall Story 2

All was going well until the big leap. Bertha tried to look lovingly at Willy, said a quick prayer, then took a run at him. The small crowd of onlookers held their breath while Else and Lil hid their eyes.... Huffing and puffing, she ran to the place where she had to take off, flapping her arms like a demented turkey, and hoping the safety pin in her drawers would hold, and her wig stay put. Next minute she was off, flying through the air like an old hot air balloon, and aiming for Willy. Willy stood, arms outstretched, and holding his breath, waiting for the landing.....

Re: Tall Story 2

.......then woke up in the local hospital having been knocked flat out. Bertha was in the next cubicle with two black eyes and a jelly nose. By this time Pappy had sobered up and was in the waiting room in A&E with Elsie and Lil. Lil told Pappy about the whole incident. "you should've seen it Pappy. Bertha's knicker elastic burst and they landed on Big Willie's head like a blindfold before Bertha then landed on top him". they decided they'd be returning to the pub yet again to calm their nerves. Just then a doctor shouted "can I have a word please......."