27-12-2016, 05:48 PM
1518
Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)
YOU think THAT'S bad,Jem?!>
Lemme tellyer,sunbeam...in or during intimate moments,such as intimate conversations or a meal for two,please,remember at all times the protocol for merriment is hard-layed and should at all times be observed in favour of any person present at the occasion,who displays a tendency toward x-chromosomic favour. All festive merriment,regardless of it's pure intent,must first be approved by the holder of the predominant X-chromosomes....and if her 'tash begins to twitch in indignation at any point...consider yourself consigned to a somewhat-less-than-favourable status until such time as she may deem you still unworthy of equal status...but permitted to refill her plate/mug/glass/the coal scuttle,etc etc.
Ahhh,what brought this about,m'dear Pug?,I hear you ask....[nice of yer]
Well,I'll tell yous. We were ensconced in our positions at the reserved table-for-two. Already,Herself had quaffed a mead or two,the festive spirit was indeed upon her. I relayed plates of freshly-cooked Thai fare to her,with which she was enchanted...her 1st time eating Thai,y'see. Then,having ensured her appetite was catered for,I placed myself a plate of excellent fare upon the table...and brought chopsticks to the fore,ready to eat.
First mistake. Rather than be amused,impressed or merely disinterested,Yes Dear launched a tirade of demeaning epithets toward my [now wilting] chopsticks,explaining in vehement manner that I looked a fool,that nobody 'eats with two sticks anymore since we invented the fork' [honestly!] and that it was a good job I hadn't chosen soup!!!
[strong stuff,that mead]
Ok...I let that tirade slip it's moorings and float away...the food really is excellent there...and the waitress looking after us was a real treat for the eye. Which is how I sealed my 'fait accompli',turning it from an 'I bet he messes up' possibility,into a 'There-see?
Tolja-pay up!' permanence.
Y'see,I was internally humming,with the event,the festives,the meal,the enjoyment-plus the beauty of our waitress....so,when I was offered a kiss by aforementioned waitress,I was delighted to accept. I stood,held the sprig aloft above us...and,proving total prats come in all shapes,sizes and colours,said aloud "Ma'am,allow me to kiss you under the cameltoe".
Yes. Yes,
really. No,I did NOT mean it...I wasn't even
thinking it.
I have NO idea-on my heartbeat I don't-where that bloody phrase came from,as I was
thinking 'Mistletoe'...but...well...it happened,it was said aloud...everyone chuckled - except Yes Dear.
Ok,sleeping on the sofa isn't such a bad thing...
but we have a wolf. Yes-
a genuine Spanish wolf...his name's 'Woof'. Rescued from the AA Centre. He takes up a LOT of sofa.
Ok-fukkitall-I decide to sleep on the floor...but...Memsahib gets up to go to the loo in pitch dark,treads on me,screams,falls over,punches air wildly,connects with Woof,who promptly bites me....I drive
myself to A&E! I've just been bitten by a real wolf,with real wolf fangs,which went through and clamped onto,my hand,ffs. [Yes Dear is caring for
poor Woof,as he 'seems stressed'!!] A&E had two nurses on duty....I wait over an hour,go in,get injected,five stitches...and drive home dreaming all the way about my shotgun. Get home at 6.45am.
WOOF,is on the bed. THE OLD BAT,is NEXT FKN DOOR,drinking punch/mulled wine/domestos with about 25 other people,5 of whom I know,regaling them with the hilarious true tale of my POXY Christmas! And y'know what?
I said Fukdalottovem and shared my bed to sleep off the injections/stitches,with Woof.
Merry Fukkin Christmas,my ARSE!
[no wonder JC moved to Egypt!]