Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

The wife is always taking things back to the shop she bought them in, it seems that when she gets the stuff home she decides she doesn’t like them anymore.

I’m puzzled and worried about her, could this be a throw-back from her childhood?, her mother told me she was forever throwing her dummy out of her pram.

She asked me what I wanted for a Christmas box, I said I always fancied meself in a quilted crimson Noel Coward smoking jacket, she said they are banned now because they encourage smoking, plus the fact that they used asbestos lining in case they caught fire.
She said the way I carry on as an old lad a straight jacket would be more appropriate.


Hauling wood.

Did you know a Chinaman named Hollywood?

“According to the diary of H.*J. Whitley, also known as the "Father of Hollywood", on his honeymoon in 1886 he stood at the top of the hill looking out over the valley. Along came a Chinese man in a wagon carrying wood. The man got out of the wagon and bowed. The Chinese man was asked what he was doing and replied, "I holly-wood," meaning 'hauling wood.' H.*J. Whitley had an epiphany and decided to name his new town Hollywood.[6]"Holly" would represent England and "wood" would represent his Scottish heritage. Whitley had already started over 100 towns across the western United States” Wiki.

Now if I had said that you’d all think I made it up, but even I could come up with a better one than that, how could anyone mistake hauling for holly? it’s miles from sounding near it, even coming from a Chinaman.

“I think I’ll put some hauling and ivy up this Christmas, what say you Dear?”

I thought The Carpenters started off Hauling wood?

How in the name of God does Holly represent England and Wood Scotland?

That Whitley fella was probably responsible for naming the 100 towns he founded, is it any wonder they’re all nuts in Hollywood.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

My Lovely Cousin's grandmother was a dear old soul, but shopping with her was a nightmare.

She was frightened of traffic and terrified of crossing roads. She would grasp whoever was with her by the arm and would not let go until she had been safely deposited on the other side.

When our kids were younger they discovered that crossing roads would result in them learning all about what later became known as Nana's Death Grip.

Letting her loose in the shops was no better however. She would spend ages inspecting goods, picking things up and putting them down. Trying on clothes and taking them off.
Squeezing fruit and veg to check for freshness, then putting it down again.
No matter how long she spent doing this, she would invariably end up choosing the first thing she had tried.

The same was true where different shops selling the same sort of things were concerned. She would drag family members from shop to shop before saying, I think I liked the first one in the first shop.
*sigh"

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

I had a good belly laugh at that post Fruity, you must be psychic, we were just talking about when the wife used to take the kids out shopping earlier today.
You have described my missus to a tee, she also had that “Iron Grip” with the kids and grandkids while crossing the street, bless them, they took such care didn’t they.

I’m very wary of surprises and this is the time of year for them, the wife has gone into cahoots with the daughter this year to get me what I’m told is a special “surprise” this year seeing that I was 75 last month. I’m mortified now waiting to find out what they have come up with, but to be honest I’ll be delighted no matter what it is, it’s the tension of waiting that gets me, I’d have been happier if they hadn’t mentioned it in the first place.
I’ll let you know what it is when I get it.

When I think of surprises I always think of the poor white cow in this ancient joke, but maybe some of the younger members might not have heard it before, (it’s been rumoured that Moses told it when he descended the mount), it puts a whole new meaning to surprise, I think it’s one of the old clean (well almost) classics.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbour’s bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

“OK Dad” said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends.
“Hey, Dad,” said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just f….d the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said,
"Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Dad! He f….d the brown cow again!"

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Well I'm gratified to know that my Lovely Cousin's Nan was not the only one on the planet to develop the Iron "Death" Grip.

To a certain extent I think it was hereditary, but in a thankfully diluted form.

Many decades ago I offered a gentlemanly arm one day to my two young cousins when we had to cross a busy road. When we got to the other side the oldest girl let go and wandered off, but the youngest girl kept hold. By the time we got to the end of the next road she she had shifted her grip and the cheeky minx had taken my hand, but unlike her Nan, without cutting off the blood supply.
Fifty four years later she still takes my hand whenever we are together.

I like (nice) surprises, but my Lovely Cousin is quite the opposite. I don't want to know what she has got me for a present whereas she will grill me in the hope I will give her a clue so she can work out what I have got for her.
She will also go hunting for prezzies so I have had to come up with ever more ingenious places to hide things.

Not long after we were wed I insulated the loft. She came up to see how things were going and developed a dreadful rash afterwards.
It turned out that she was allergic to glass fibre, so for years I would hide things up there, making sure she knew where it was.
She never went up there for fear of getting another rash thus giving the game away that she had been on a present hunt.

I used to hide stuff at her Mum's house as well because I knew my Aunt would never give the game away or let my Lovely find things.

Now we have a loft conversion and my Outlaws live with us, so hiding things has become problematic.

We had a couple of plastic ornamental Herons at either end of the pond but the local foxes destroyed one and the other one disintegrated due to age.
I've bought a couple of metal ones to replace them and they are currently behind the bench in my workshop.
I shall nip out and place them where the old ones used to stand and say nothing. I wonder how long it will be before she notices them.

I've not heard the story about the cows before, but I've heard several things in the same vein about making sure your instructions are specific and cannot be interpreted in a different way.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

I saw the photo’s of your beautiful gardens Fruity, a credit to your hard work, and long may you and yours enjoy them.

My little workshop has so many shelves and cubby-holes that it’s easy to hide stuff like presents provided they are not to big and bulky, sometimes I forget where I put them and have to nearly take the place apart to find them again.

The children and grandkids think I have a fortune in diamonds and gold stacked in there, it’s a sort of legend thing with them, don’t ask me how it originated.
Alas they are going to be sadly disappointed when I kick the bucket.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

My Son called over today to collect a parcel that was delivered here, his wife and himself work so they are seldom at home for deliveries.
Anyway he stood at the door when the wife answered it and collected his goods, I was in the kitchen having a coffee.
He shouts into the house “Hey Dad, how are you?” I shouted back that I was grand and how was he.
“Come out and lets see ya” says he, and I duly obliged.

Now how odd that is when you think of it, Christmas time and no hand shaking your Son or hugging your Daughter and grandkids.
I can’t explain it but a strange eerie feeling came over me, us humans are so prone to infections that if you were to think about all that could happen to a body in the course of a lifetime we would lose our minds, and yet when things are going fine in the world we still start fights and can’t get along with each other, when will we ever learn to get our priorities right.

Now they tell us (CNN news) that the same doctor who discovered ebola says there are all sorts of new nasties still to come, Jaysus do we really need to be told that on top of what we already have!
It’s enough to make you throw in the towel on the whole sheebang.

That scene in the film “Papillion” where Steve McQueen is in Solitary on Devil’s Island and he’s allowed stick his head out the cell door every month came to me, the fella next to him has his head out too and asks McQueen “”How do I look?”
We’ll probably be doing the same thing over the garden fence with our neighbours soon.
Both of their heads looked like large sweating turnips that had been rolled in shorn cat hairs.

Yes indeed, when we have to be inspected by our children every now and then it’s not a great sign is it ?
I consider meself very lucky to have reached the age I am now, and I’m going to enjoy whatever time I have left, if I get through this that is.

I’m taking a rest now till Stephen’s Day or thereabouts, so I wish everyone a very happy and safe Christmas.

My dear old Dad used to raise this toast to all his old friends in the local on Christmas Eve at closing time, a nice simple sentiment I’ve always thought.

“There are tall ships and there are small ships
Ships that sail the sea
But the best ships are the friendships
And may they always be”

Cheers to you all!

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Wishing you and Phyllis a very Happy Christmas, Jem ....

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Merry Christmas Jem and Phyllis.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

I thank you for keeping me entertained with your wit and insights into a life well lived.

I hope you enjoy your break from "this place". The real world, whatever that is, can be a scary place.

I look forward to seeing you on the other side, although of what I am unsure.

Re: Leisurely Scribbles (part 5)

Quote Fruitcake:
"I look forward to seeing you on the other side, although of what I am unsure".

Ah, what’s on “The other side”, the eternal question, we could talk about that forever and still be in the dark, mustn’t be bad though, as they say, nobody ever came back to complain about it.

Simple fact is nobody knows and will never know til it happens to them, but that doesn’t stop us from guessing, no more than it stops all sorts of prophets and Guru types popping up and cashing in on it by saying they’ve had some sort of divine inspiration and know all the answers, it really is the oldest con trick in the book, no better way to control the masses than scaring the life outta them, fear is the key.

My ‘Nutshell” guess is that we don’t know where we were before we were conceived, but wherever that was, that’s where we go back to… complete nothingness, which when you come to think of it is the only true perfect peace, when one is nothing one has no pains, hunger, fears, emotions etc., its only when one is born and becomes ’something’ that’s when all our needs and fears begin.


I hope you were all merry and gay over the Christmas, gay as in the old meaning.

The Gay Cavalier
“The forest got furry the desert grew eyes
The mountains got runny and the lakes turned to skies
A harvest of pumpinks grew sequins for ears
And I sighted for my sanity... Gay Cavalier

A torrent of roses not tossed by a tear
What Nature disposes man makes disappear
One moment's sincerity smoothly sincere
Might bring back my sanity... Gay Cavalier”

(Richie Havens)
Sorry Richie, but I can’t make head nor tail of that, I always thought he was a highway man of yore with an eye for the ladies, you make him out to be a nutcase talking to pumpkins.

Some strange thoughts that have crossed my mind over the festive season.

I wonder will we have a national “Coming out” day when these on/off periods of lockdowns are finally over?

Do gay Witches come out of the Broom Closet?

Do gay Barmen come out of the cellar?

Why do gay senior Politicians stay in the Cabinet?

Old Mother Hubbard
Came out of the cupboard
To tell the whole World she was gay
When her Dog got wind of it
It upset him quite a bit
So he ran away with a stray.
(me)

I’ve come out the front door thousands of times, I’ve come out of bad plays twice, I even came out of a church one time when I felt a bit faint, but never out of a closet, why does it always have to be a closet? If I had a big secret the last place I’d keep it in is a closet.