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Me : I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer : On what grounds?
Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me : No, she's looking for me.
"You look a bit down today"
"Yes, my wife's not speaking to me and I don't know why"
"Never mind, it'll soon blow over"
"That's what I'm worried about, I'm trying to remember what I did so I can do it again"
Man went into the greengrocer with his dog named Mechanic.. It peed on the carrots.
GG "If I give a kick in the nuts, will it make a bolt for the doior?"
Man: "No but it will make a spring for your balls."