The life of a sociophobic

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I hope this isn't going to backfire on me but here goes. Sorry but there is quite a lot of it.

I think sociophobia is what I suffer from though I can't be certain of that as there might well be other influences at work and always have been.

Ok I may as well give you a run down of my life when it affected me first.

I have always been a quiet person - introspective - quite happy in my own company. Come 16, with parents that had not provided me with the foundations needed to be a 'strong' adult (father a bulldozer driver and a big drinker - mother a waitress in a nightclub), I tried to make my way in the world in jobs I just wasn't happy in. I was 'lost', in that I felt I had no real identity. I was also extremely shy around people but not women or girls (I had a lot of admirers), yet people, en mass, frightened the living daylights out of me.

The result of being afraid of 'people' meant I avoided schooling such as technical college where I should have gone on to be an electrical engineer as I had landed a job as an apprentice electrician by just walking around an industrial estate and knocking on the door - those were the days . 18 months into the apprenticeship I had my first breakdown.

People with sociophobia are very body conscious in a lot of cases to a ridiculous extent. It is irrational thinking to an nth degree. It can also shift. One day, or for weeks, it is your hair that you worry about and then other times it might be the size of your feet. When these thoughts are upon you you have a hell of a job breaking the fixation. Anyways I remember that I had long hair that had filled with dust from drilling in a concrete ceiling - for attaching cables - and had to walk through a major town to catch a bus home. This meant I became extremely self conscious and felt that everyone was looking at me and laughing. Maybe they were or maybe they weren't but the thought that they could be was the 'trigger' that more or less started it all. What happened after - read on.

I became 'barmy' for at least 5-7 years. Never left the house for at least 5 of that. Doctors came and told my parents I should be institutionalized but my mother wouldn't have it. My father had no idea how to cope with it and my mother protected me from him. How did I eventually break out of it - kinda? - by self analyses.

I have 2 sisters. One is a teacher and the other is a manager of something or other - technical stuff - and both are very intelligent. I was averse to reading as I was never encouraged and like a lot of boys just would not read. My sister cunningly started leaving books about the house. After 4-5 years, when I became somewhat rational again, I began to read them and pretty soon I was reading everything I could get my hands on. I went through as many books on religion as I could find and I also read philosophy - psychology - everything. Why? I realized that I needed to find out why I felt like I did and also answer other nagging thoughts I had such as where we came from and why we were here and so on.

It took me a few years before I could apply my findings to myself and take the necessary steps to break out of what was I suppose a living hell. It was though but the start of a weird life where I have had to avoid situations that could well trigger another attack such as only taking low stress jobs for short periods and so on. I had another major breakdown about 12 years ago when I attempted to setup a computer repair shop. Couldn't get away from the types of stress that is bad for me and bang I was gone again. So what I hear you say. Pull yourself together. 5 years passed again. Each time I am out of it for around 5 years and that is only if I am left in peace and quiet. I can function inside the house somehow but cannot get outside of it. Another weird thing is I have hardly any memory of the 5 years - just more or less blankness.

Thankfully uptil now my parents have been there but both have gone now. They did though leave me the house and my sisters live very close to me and help when needed.

Daily life now? I have learned plenty of skills with regard to computers and the internet so I can now earn a living off that. This helps me avoid people as I don't have to leave the house at all if I choose to. I order goods off the internet including my groceries so I have limited that side of things and coping quite well. I do go out at times to run but not much else. I have friends that call to see me so no problems there. I am also back strong again mentally so I am able to go out when I want without too much of a worry but it is touch and go all the time.

Is it just sociophobia I suffer from? Doubt it as I have also been extremely manic and have suffered delusions of grandeur and god knows what else. I will say though that I do appear to be as bad as any sociophobic could possibly get. How bad can it be? Try this on for size. My mother dieing in hospital and desperately wanting to talk to me and for the life of me I could not get out of the house... Thankfully I was able to with my father but it took a monumental effort and around 4-5 attempts before I could cross the car park and get inside. Both times they were ill when I also was ill. My mother was ill when I was at my worse. So as you can see it is a very debilitating illness.

Is it fun being me now? Not so much fun but it is interesting. I also find I have learned a hell of a lot about people. The stuff that really matters. As mentioned in previous posts I can normally analyse people pretty accurately and very quickly. The stuff that rips me apart is the stuff that we all have - feelings and thoughts - so I suppose I have become a bit of an expert at them now. Nothing really impresses me with regard to who you think you are or what you might have. I would just as well chat to a tramp as to some dignitary. Both are the same in my eyes as both are just the same as me - just people .

Perhaps I should write a book on this lol. Couple of chapters already.

So there you go - the 'naked' me .

Re: The life of a sociophobic

Well done Mark, I know what it's like to have panic attacks, I used to need the loo urgently if I went out, I'm sure people thought I was shoplifting sometimes when I'd rush out of shops! It doesn't help much to have people say that sort of thing but, you're not alone.
I think you're incredibly brave to tell us all that and don't think you're weird 'cos your not. Lots of us have serious issues but can't or don't want to address them.

Re: The life of a sociophobic

Mark I have a totally different view of you now. I too think that you are brave to talk about it and I sincerely hope that you find inner peace.

Re: The life of a sociophobic

Mark you are not alone, many of us are burdened with baggage we picked up during childhood
I think there are very few of us that don't have some kind of psychological problem, those that don't are very lucky.

I confess I have never heard of a Sociophobia , having looked up the details I know realize I may have something similar which may be why I really do wish be a recluse .

I think one of the good things about aging is we start to accept ourselves for what we are and stop worrying about what the world thinks about us .

Re: The life of a sociophobic

Well done for the post Mark it certainly sounds as if you have been going through the mill. Times can be hard in this day and age and I don't think I would like to be starting out again with the current state of the country let alone having the problems that you have had. Recently I got back in touch with my elder daughter who has BiPolar and goes off the radar every now and again so have not heard from her for a year or so and turns out she has been seriously ill. To try and understand her condition and to see what help there could be and joined a couple of forums in the Internet and was able to get a lot information and speak to people via the forum who gave helpful advice. I would imagine there would be such forums for your condition on the Internet that may be useful to you. Good luck.

Re: The life of a sociophobic

You did it! I'm impressed

As with Meg and yourself, I've spent considerable periods of time when I've refused to leave the house (longest 18 months) not because of a fear-driven refusal as you have had, I just didn't want to be around people in general or the world at large it had nothing to offer me and I had nothing to offer it.

You've done well to beat the odds single-handedly (no professional help from what I read).

Can I ask one question? Why didn't you seek a professional diagnosis?

Re: The life of a sociophobic

I have to say how brave and honest you are to put all that down on paper so to speak, and well done. I have to admit I never heard of Sociophobia either, I don't think I ever suffered with it, I have always loved the company of other people and going out, owe a lot to them and I have lots of happy memories, it's a shame for someone to miss out on all that, but you have friends who visit and many more online and you seem happy with your life, I wish you well and luck to you Mark.

Re: The life of a sociophobic

Aren't you contradicting yourself a bit there. Be very careful about cutting yourself off from other people totally. The more you do it the harder it is to stop doing it and you can take it too far. Too long without any personal contact can definitely make you feel odd.

Re: The life of a sociophobic

I don't think so for years I have been told I must make the effort and mix with people even if doing so makes me physically sick. So I did it for other people and to earn a living.
Now I am retired I just say no to mixing in most instances even if people view this as odd.

I know , solitude is addictive for me and I prefer my own company going for days without speaking to another human which suits me fine .

I can't cut myself off totally, my family need me and I can't let them down so I make an exception for them .

Re: The life of a sociophobic

You trying to tell me you are off your trolley too ?

To be honest I don't think writing about it does me much good. I find it exhausting and unsettling to think so far back in my life. I thought I had better do it to help others who are in a similar situation.

By the sounds of it it is more widespread than I thought. The fact that you too suffer, or suffered, from something like it is a bit of an eye opener.

Professional help? I point blank refused to see anyone initially and they couldn't force themselves on me so I was left to fend for myself. My mother always regretted it. Thing is I have come through it my way and still being here to discuss it is quite something believe me. Should I have had help recently or even now? Definitely but where from? Such help isn't easily found. Tablets? Who wants to go through life with an addled brain when it was my intense thinking that got me out of it somewhat in the first place? All a bit of a quandary. I'm pretty good now and as Meg said as you get older it might well be easier to cope with. I think that is going to be the case as the thought that time is running out has been thrown into the mix .