30-12-2020, 06:00 PM
1894
Re: Let's have a laugh
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.“What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called.”
30-12-2020, 06:16 PM
1895
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Percy Vere
->
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.“What was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.
“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What in the world was that for?”
She replied, “Your horse called.”
Appropriated.
31-12-2020, 03:57 PM
1896
Re: Let's have a laugh
Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe near Transylvania. They were in a rental car on a deserted highway late at night in the midst of a thunderstorm. Bob could barely see the road. Suddenly, the car skidded out of control. Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail and the car swerved and smashed into a tree. Moments later Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he saw his wife unconscious and bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob he knew he had to get her medical assistance. He picked her up and started down the road. After a short while he saw a light coming from a large, old house. He approached the door and knocked.A small old man opened the door. Bob said, "My name is Bob Hill, this is my wife Betty. We've been in an accident and my wife has been hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," said the man, "we don't have a phone but my master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brought his wife in as an older man came down the stairs.
He said, "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
Igor picked up Betty, carried her downstairs, and placed her on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed him on an adjoining table. After a brief examination the older man looked worried.
"Things are serious,” he said, “Igor prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both died. The Hills' deaths greatly upset Igor's master. Wearily he climbed the steps to his conservatory which and sat down at his grand piano. He began to play. A stirring haunting melody filled the house.
Meanwhile Igor was still in the lab tidying up. His eyes caught movement and he saw the fingers on Betty's hand twitch in time to the piano music. Stunned, he watched as Bob's arm began to rise marking the beat. He was absolutely startled as he watched both Betty and Bob sit up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory and burst in shouting ...
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"Master, master, the Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
So what did you expect? A miracle?
31-12-2020, 04:00 PM
1897
Re: Let's have a laugh
Some new, some old, most funny ...Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I sent 20 different puns to my friends, with the hope that at least 10 would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
Do they make alphabet soup in any other languages? 'Cos I'm thinking Chinese would be real pricey.
Did the person who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" ever invent any other catch phrases?
If you are walking along a beach and see a girl wearing a sea shell bikini and hold her up to your ear, can you hear her scream?
31-12-2020, 04:04 PM
1898
Re: Let's have a laugh
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
31-12-2020, 04:07 PM
1899
Re: Let's have a laugh
Here's a non-PC joke to end with ...An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
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