Re: Jokes for blokes

A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and exclaimed, "Wowee!"

A main heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look. "Oh my God!" she said.

Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall and moved her out of the way. He took a look and said, "I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Rolf Harris painted a mural in his cell and asked for the governor to come and take a look at it.

"It's a load of shit!" said the governor

"I know it is" Rolf said "It's because you don't give me any paint"

Re: Jokes for blokes

It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up" asked Batman?

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the **** and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick to audit our accounts."

Re: Jokes for blokes

On the night before his wedding, the shy young man thought he ought to ask his father what was expected of him in the bedroom.

"What exactly do I have to do?" he asked tentatively.

"Well son," said his father, "you remember what you used to play with as a teenager? All you have to do is stick that where your wife pees."

So the following night the young man threw his Action Man down the toilet.

Re: Jokes for blokes

What's pink and hard in the morning?

The Financial Times crossword.

Re: Jokes for blokes

The year's new intake of novices were getting their initial medical inspection from the convent doctor, when he noticed something different about one of the older girls. The kindly practitioner went immediately to the mother superior and informed her, "Mother Superior, you have amongst the new girls one with an incredibly rare deformity: she has been blessed with two fannies."

"Good gracious," exclaimed the mother superior, "will she be able to lead a normal life?"

"Of course," the good doctor replied, "especially as she is to be a nun, no-one will ever notice. However, I should like it very much if you would allow me to consult with my professional colleagues and ask them to come and look at her."

"Of course you may," said the mother superior and off he went.

Three weeks later the convent medic returned with his professional colleagues and asked to see the affected nun.

"I'm afraid you can't," said the mother superior, "we had to get rid of her."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"We couldn't stand her holier-than-thou attitude," was her reply.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates, they were met by St Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St Peter stopped them and told them that they'd each have to answer a question before they could enter the gates.

St Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"

First nun: "Easy. Adam and Eve." The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?"

Second nun: "That's an easy one too. An apple." The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went.

St Peter: "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

Third nun: "Oh, er... gosh, that's a hard one." The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went too.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"

Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, Mother Superior."

Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"

Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."

Mother Superior (even more shocked): "And what then?"

Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he can with his pants down."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Sister Maria: "Mother Superior, a man has just had his way with me"

Mother Superior: "Here my child, suck this lemon"

Sister Maria: "Will it stop me having a baby?"

Mother Superior: "No, but it'll wipe that smile off your face"