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09-05-2021, 01:00 PM
11

Re: Coping with grief.

What Primus says is good advice - remind your friend of the good times that she and hubby had during their time together. It can be difficult. The image of my wife as she died will haunt me forever. It's a strong image but looking through photos or watching videos of her laughing and smiling eases the pain and takes me back to happier times.
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09-05-2021, 01:45 PM
12

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by Primus1 ->
That’s very sad carol, it’s surprising how quickly people can deteriorate with dementia, I’m not sure what I can suggest other than to keep reminding her of all the good and happy times they had together, perhaps if she has any photos and memories of things they shared together, grief is a funny thing, it affects people differently, perhaps over time and with the support of good friends like you, and her family around her, she might feel a bit more herself, if you know what I mean, .
Primus sorry to disagree but I am afraid for some people that is the last thing they wish to be reminded about and that includes myself, it can serve to emphasise how much you have lost. There is time for reflection on the past later.

If someone indicates they wish to be reminded of the past ok but otherwise I would not instigate that conversation.
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09-05-2021, 01:59 PM
13

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by Mups ->
Although kindly people try to their best to help, sometimes that can be seen as trying to get the person to do what they think they should do, which is not always what the grieving person wants to do.

It is very difficult, and we need time to come to terms with a death , not being pushed into a social life they are not ready for, no matter how well-meaning.

An example here is, I have a friend who grieves by talking about the incident over and over and over. Every detail, how she felt, what she thought, and she makes herself cry over and over again.

I am the opposite. I have to quiet. I don't want to be made to talk and re-live it.
I need time in private to get my head round a situation, to work it out in my head and try to come to terms with things. The last thing I would want is anyone trying to drag me out to eat or be with groups of people, althought just the two of you in the park sounds pleasant.

I don't know what type of person your friend is Carol, but I do feel very sorry for anyone in her position. Sadly, her memories will take time to heal though.
I hope she turns the corner soon.
Hi Mups I am a 'Leave me alone to think about this and to grasp the situation' kind of person too.

When my husband died I didn't want to speak to anyone except my small son. I took the most comfort not from family who were too close, but from a woman down the road who could see the kind of state I was in and make it clear I could talk to her any time which I did, it all came tumbling out .
It is almost 40 years ago now and the woman moved away long ago but her words stay with me still, they got me through at a time when I no longer wished to be in a world that didn't contain the man I loved.
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09-05-2021, 05:11 PM
14

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by Meg ->
Primus sorry to disagree but I am afraid for some people that is the last thing they wish to be reminded about and that includes myself, it can serve to emphasise how much you have lost. There is time for reflection on the past later.

If someone indicates they wish to be reminded of the past ok but otherwise I would not instigate that conversation.
Fair enough meg, as I said, people handle grief differently ,
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09-05-2021, 05:57 PM
15

Re: Coping with grief.

Grief cannot be given a time to get past...it winds its own slow journey. But you are doing all the right things, Carol, and being there to chat will help enormously. I'm so sorry she is going through this.
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09-05-2021, 08:53 PM
16

Re: Coping with grief.

We never get over grief, we just learn to live with it. My pain for the loss of my Sister is as raw today as the day she died 7 and a half years ago. The yearning in my stomach hits me often and it is a physical pain for me personally.

Sometimes the waters are calm but other times they come in tidal waves.

I lost myself completely and I can't even remember a lot of the time that has past, only that I've been through a living nightmare and it is ongoing.

I found writing down my feelings in poem helped me but of course I know that's not for everyone. I also needed and still need my photos, sometimes I smile at remembering the fun times and sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Something else that helped me is sharing and talking about the good times.

You could say to her, when you are ready just know I am hear to listen to you, don't be afraid to share your thoughts with me, I am a shoulder for you to cry on if and when you need one. Just know I am here for you and I hope then you won't feel so alone. If you need a hug my arms will be waiting. Sometimes we need our alone time but sometimes we need to know we aren't alone as grief can feel very lonely.
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10-05-2021, 04:28 PM
17

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by carol ->
I went to see my recently bereaved friend J the other day & found her in a very low state of mind.

For the past 2 years her hubby B has been in a care home suffering with dementia.

The last time J saw him in a lucid state was last summer when she went to visit. Unfortunately because of lockdown she wasn't allowed to go indoors to visit so they brought him to the window. He put out his arms to her & started crying. This of course made J cry & there they stood with glass between them both sobbing.

J can't get past this memory because he went into decline soon after that & though she went to see him a few times before he died in March this year, I don't think he knew her.

This memory has excluded all others and is all she can think about.

I took her details of Cruise Bereavement Group & local groups that might help her. I told her I'd accompany her to anywhere she wanted to go.

She has two lovely daughters & they are in despair because of the state of their mum. She won't go out of the house & isn't interested in anything..

I think it helped her talking to me about this but how can I help her get past it?
My suggestion is go and see her again and give her a meaningful and prolonged cuddle so she can let all of her grief out. Words can help but in my experience being held tightly by a friend has no rival. . her tears need a focus and you could be her focus.
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10-05-2021, 04:48 PM
18

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by LongDriver ->
My suggestion is go and see her again and give her a meaningful and prolonged cuddle so she can let all of her grief out. Words can help but in my experience being held tightly by a friend has no rival. . her tears need a focus and you could be her focus.


You are so right LD.

Being held can can be far more comfort than spoken phrases you've heard a dozen times already.
Words are not always what's needed.
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10-05-2021, 05:02 PM
19

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by Judd ->
What Primus says is good advice - remind your friend of the good times that she and hubby had during their time together. It can be difficult. The image of my wife as she died will haunt me forever. It's a strong image but looking through photos or watching videos of her laughing and smiling eases the pain and takes me back to happier times.

Hi

Spot on Judd.

Our lost ones do not want us to be unhappy because they loved us and want us to move on and find happiness again.

They know we will never forget them, but still want us to be happy.

That is true love.

Never forget them and find a new partner who will accept that but who will still want you to be happy.

I have no issues with being second best to someone who has spent most of their life with another.

I just feel happy to have been chosen next time round.

Who could not be happy with that?
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10-05-2021, 05:21 PM
20

Re: Coping with grief.

Carol, what a very sad situation. You are so right that we handle grief differently and sometimes surprisingly. I respect you so much for being there for your friend. Just checking and asking if she is ok and reminding her that you are thinking of her can be enough, but those little extras can be meaningful too. I think we all appreciate people who circle the wagons to help us in times of distress.

The only other thing I can add is that grief can sometimes turn into depression, and I hope her family are keeping a gentle eye out for that possibility.

You are a kind one, Carol!
 
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