08-05-2015, 09:36 AM
1
'seniors' will appreciate these
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried that the girl might become pregnant and embarrass the family, she consulted the family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on the pill, and until then talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying 'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the vicar's hand. He said, 'Vicar, I’ll tell you that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put £5,000 in the collection plate!'
The vicar said, 'Shit, really?'
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Wow Mum,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor flat, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
‘Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I thought that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
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A doctor was addressing a large audience in the north of England.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Golf Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His friends at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how did you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age,' Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
I had a good laugh at those Deb, thanks.
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