Kulula Airlines

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT
THEM IF
>ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.
>
>
>Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
>Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety
>lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real
>examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
>you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a
>flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture
>here, find a seat and get in it!"
>
> ---o0o---
>
>On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot
>said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be
>turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the
>appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> ----o0o---
>
>On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have."
>
> ----o0o---
>
>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of
>this airplane."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as
>much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop atDurban Airport , a
lone voice
>came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> ---o0o--
>
>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo
, a
>flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the
>overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell
>everything has shifted."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth
.
>To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
>pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't
>know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your
>face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
>before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than
one
>small child, pick your favourite."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll
>try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody
>loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
>
> ----o0o---
>
>"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our
>compliments."
>
> ---o0o---
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
>
> ---o0o---
>
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
>pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants
in the
>industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> ---o0o—
>
>Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landingin Cape Town : The
>flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I
>know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's
>fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
>fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> ---o0o—
>
>Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy
and
>bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
it.
>After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and
>Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats
with your
>seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to
>the gate!"
>
> ---o0o—
>
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
>"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the
>terminal."
>
> ---o0o—
>
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
>exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He
said
>that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
>passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
>Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
>with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
>"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said,
>"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> ---o0o—
>
>After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant
came on
>with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash
>and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the
>gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
>silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the
>wreckage to the terminal.."
>
> ---o0o—
>
>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
>you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
>insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
>tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
>
> ---o0o—
>
>Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the
>smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light
'em, you
>can smoke 'em."