Re: Stories to tell

Hi

An absolutely brilliant thread.

So much better than the Brexit, Nasty Scumbags thing.

We must all have stories to tell, get on with it, I find them fascinating.

Another one from my past.

I started life as a Pupil Public Health Inspector.

Working for the Medical Officer of Health as it was in those days.

We shared the same offices as the Midwives.

First day job was to go out and test the water from the taps in Leeds.

Off I went, six to do, a bit of a rush, as we had to use the bus in those days.

First one, full of my own importance, I knocked on the door.

A very heavily pregnant lady answered the door, I showed her my ID, as instructed, exactly the same as the Medical Officer of Health ID cards.

" I have come to test your water I said", meaning of course, the water from the tap in the kitchen

Oh my god she replied, what is the matter?

What is wrong?

The Midwife came yesterday and tested my water and said it was fine.

She burst into tears.

Confusion all round, I was completely flummoxed , so was she .

It took some time for us to realise that I was after a sample from the Mains Water from her kitchen tap, whilst she was under the impression that I was after a sample of her urine.

End result?

Being a good Leeds Lass, I got a right smacker across my face, returned to the office with a black eye to much hilarity.

I never managed to live that one down.

Re: Stories to tell

She thought you were taking the p**s, literally.

Re: Stories to tell

Loved it :

Re: Stories to tell

Here is another one that I recall about something that happened a few years ago.

When my Cairn Terrier dog was alive I got to know a policeman who came round to see me about the vandals
over the green next to my bungalow.
He was taken with my dog because he had twin Cairn Terriers.

Some weeks afterwards I was out walking my dog when a policeman pointed at me from across the other side of the road and I stopped thinking something was the matter.
This is the following conversation.
Me ……….. “Christ have I robbed a bank and forgotten about it in my dotage?”
Him laughing…… “I have come over to stroke the dog. Cant you remember me from when I came to see you.”
Me……. “Oh yes I remember, but what are you doing walking the streets”
Him……… “It’s a new ruling now to walk around to make sure all is well.”
Me …… “Well why not have a bike? The bobbies used to use a bike years ago.”
Him………. “I cant because I have a hernia.” As he said that he pointed to his chest.
Me………. “Well I have a hiatus hernia but I can still ride a bike is yours a hiatus one too?”
Him…….. “Mine is swollen let me show you”
With that he undid his tunic and then his shirt and asked me to rub his lump which was quite prominent on his belly button.
Bear in mind this is a busy Saturday afternoon with motorists practically mounting the pavement wondering what an old biddy was doing with her hand inside a coppers tunic.
At that moment two of my neighbours came round the corner and asked me if I was alright and I said “Yes I was just feeling his lump.”
They went off helpless with laughter and I said to the cop “That’s not a hiatus one you twit its an umbilical hernia. For Gawd Sake do your tunic up or they will run us both in. ”

My neighbours wont let me forget that day and when I got home hubby said
“You have been out a bit longer today Maisie. Have you met someone and had chat?”
I said “Yes I have been rubbing a coppers lump at the end of the street.”
He said very grumpily "You never offer to rub my b****r".

Re: Stories to tell

My pal Paul is being buried tomorrow and I've been reminiscing with his brother about our more yooful days and things we got up to.

He wants to relay some of these at the funeral.

A few years ago I was having a quiet Saturday night pint when Paul came into the pub, dressed as the pink/purple teletubbie. He said he was on his way to a fancy dress(obviously)and did I want to go, ok but I'm going as me, like this.

Anyway the night progressed nicely and we left about 2am, rather worse for wear. We decided to walk(stagger)in the general direction of home when he felt a little dizzy so we sat on a wall. After a few minutes a police officer came over to see if all was well and sat next to Paul.

All of a sudden Paul lost his balance and fell backwards off the wall, flailing arms trying to grab onto something other than thin air he caught the officer and took him over too.

The officer for some unknown reason called for backup over his radio, so off we ran, a casually dressed male with a 6' tellytubbie, needless to say it didn't take long for the police to find us

He was arrested for assault on a police officer and taken to the local police station.

The following day, upon his release I picked him up. He showed me a copy of his written statement accusing the police officer of mistaken identity, laugh you can imagine.

Two weeks later all charges were dropped.

Re: Stories to tell

Maywalk and Terry -

Re: Stories to tell

I have plenty of stories to tell, having done the craziest things from almost the moment I first drew breath, but I won't bore you with them.

Re: Stories to tell

Let us be the judge, go on, spill the beans(even the naughty bits)

Re: Stories to tell

I was talking about different jobs I'd had during my life the other afternoon to my family and my granddaughter was in hysterics about this tale I told.
It was funny in one aspect but could have proved fatal.

I used to be in charge of the seconds department at the hosiery firm I worked for. We made socks for well known names such as M@S and many other big stores. I answered to the main boss if anything was amiss.

Then there was Horace a gentle giant of a man who used to suffer with his nerves a lot. Horace was in charge of the folders who paired the socks up to go into the shops.
Then came Jack a small bloke who was foreman over Horace and had a terrible way of speaking to the women, plus bullying Horace who was literally terrified of him.
Jack only tried his bullying tactics with me once and I turned on him like a hellcat and told him he was NOT my boss and if he did not treat the women with courtesy I would complain to management.
WOW he certainly calmed down after that.

Anyway to get to the main story.
Where I worked there were massive sliding doors where the work, after being returned from the finishers was sent back in skips. These skips looked rather like the big basket trunks that actors use.

One morning Horace came through and put his hand up to me rather than say his usual ‘Good Morning.’
I could see he was trying to eat something so I just acknowledged him and glanced as he went towards the sliding door to check the goods that had arrived.

As the door slid open I heard a terrible gurgle and just looked up startled as Horace tried to say something but his false teeth shot out of his mouth still wrapped round a toffee that one of the girls had given him.

I shot to his aid and quickly picked up his teeth and shoved them in my pocket because I thought he was going to have a heart attack, apart from not wanting anyone stepping on them and perhaps having an accident like having their big toe bitten off.

As Horace slithered down the door frame he pointed to one of the skips and was trying to say something.

I was amazed, as I looked in the direction he was trying to point out to me, to see two legs sticking out with odd socks on and holey shoes.
It looked like a dead body but at the time I was trying to support Horace from fainting out and with him being six foot tall weighing roughly 15 stone it was taking me all my time to hold him.

Somebody else had heard the kerfuffle and came running out.

Jack the foreman came along saying “WHATS OOP? WHATS OOP?”
I told him instead of shouting 'WHATS OOP' to give me a b****y hand to get Horace on a chair to help get him back into this world.

Meanwhile the other person who came out lifted the lid on the skip and it revealed two model legs that I had to use in my job encased in two odd socks plus two old shoes on the end of them.
Some silly b****r was playing the fool and nearly caused poor old Horace to have a heart attack.

When things calmed down I took Horace’s teeth to the toilet to try and prise the toffee out of them.
Gawd Almighty it was like wrestling with a b****y alligator.

I stood for nearly half an hour trying to get the darn things free.
I wasn't too happy about doing it but I had to do something about them because he was in no state for me to try and shove them back in his mouth. It took me well over 30 minutes to get all the bits of
toffee off them.

I managed to clean them in the end but I think Horace learnt his lesson NEVER to try and eat toffees again with his false teeth in.

Later on in the day the owner of the firm came round to see if all was well, which he did every day.
I followed him out of the door as he was doing his rounds and as we walked in the yard what should be sticking out of the biggest heap of coal slack but the two legs with holey shoes on.

It took a lot of talk and convincing the boss to tell him that a prankster was running amok because he jumped into action ordering two men to start shovelling in case some one was underneath the slack.
The legs looked SO very real.
Yes we did know who did it and he had a good ticking off.

Re: Stories to tell

huge round of applause for all the great stories on here...keep them coming