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28-03-2017, 12:14 PM
21

Re: Jokes for blokes

How do you stop a French tank?
Shout, "Boo!"

Why do the French get more votes in the UN?
They vote with both hands.

What is the difference between a Frenchwoman and a basketball team?
The basketball team showers after four periods.

Why does the French flag have Velcro?
So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
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28-03-2017, 12:15 PM
22

Re: Jokes for blokes

I had a strange friend who said he had dug a hole and filled it with water.

I thought to myself, "He means well."
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28-03-2017, 12:16 PM
23

Re: Jokes for blokes

What's green and hard?

A frog with a flick knife.
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28-03-2017, 12:28 PM
24

Re: Jokes for blokes

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest.
The good witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?"
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends... sniff... sniff."
The good witch replied, "No problem!" and she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the yellow toad turned green... all except for his private parts, which remained yellow.
"Oh no," exclaimed the little toad. "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"
The good witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the wizard!"
So, off the little toad went to see the wizard.

The good witch continued on into the forest, where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard.
"Why are you crying, little squirrel?" the good witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "All my friends are red and I want to be red too... sniff... sniff."
"No problem!" said the good witch, and she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except for his private parts, which remained brown.
"Oh no!" exclaimed the squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except for my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"
The good witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the wizard!"
But the squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the wizard! How will I find him?"
And the good witch said, "Oh that's easy! Just follow the yellow dick toad..."
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28-03-2017, 04:15 PM
25

Re: Jokes for blokes

DIY for men.

Lesson 3. How to convert an ordinary everyday settee into a sofa-bed.


Forget your wife's birthday.
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29-03-2017, 09:02 PM
26

Re: Jokes for blokes

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.
So God says, "OK, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject and never ever complain or argue."
Adam says, "That sounds great."
God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
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29-03-2017, 09:23 PM
27

Re: Jokes for blokes

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a caress?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is make love, Lord?"
So the Lord gave Adam directions and Adam went again with Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
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30-03-2017, 10:42 PM
28

Re: Jokes for blokes

The difference between fathers of today and yesterday

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business,
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from university long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set up the DVD recorder.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
Today, if he tries that, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note, 'Oscar's at football, Olivia's at gymnastics, I'm at aerobics, pizza in fridge.'

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations whilst fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, 'WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE...'

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends 500 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams, 'I wanted an Xbox!'

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a Happy Meal is what Dad buys at MacDonald's.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children stood to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, 'Dad, you're in the way of the TV.'

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' boyfriends with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, 'So... how long have you had that earring?'
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01-04-2017, 04:16 PM
29

Re: Jokes for blokes

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense.
I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
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02-04-2017, 07:31 AM
30

Re: Jokes for blokes

How did the constipated mathematian find a cure? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
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