Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Mollie - he doesn't take any meds and doesn't seek treatment during the strokes. Refuses to let me take him to the emergency room or a clinic.

When he was a lot heavier he had several of them in a row, many years before we met, and was diagnosed then - MRIs, CT scans, head wired up and monitored. Was told to lose weight, exercise, cut out salt, etc.

He got his weight under control and didn't have further episodes but the past couple of years he's put some weight back on and doesn't eat healthy, so he knows what's happening. Stubborn. He's 40, I'm 58. He thinks he's got about 14 years left.

He does remember the outbursts, does apologize. I'm not in fear of physical harm at all, strange as that may sound, but it shakes me up to be yelled at and depresses me to see him so wrought up. Sometimes he'll quietly say he doesn't know why I put up with him. I don't know why I love him so much, but I do. He did not have a good life growing up, has lost both parents, is stressed by his son and daughter's difficult behaviour. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses and I know I'm not being objective. Today he's cheerful, spent some time catching up on paperwork. His kids are visiting their mom in another city and overall his mood has been calmer since they left. I try to note possible triggers for the outbursts of temper and have to say his kids top the list. I do NOT 'parent' them or have conversations with them at all. I can not enlist their help in getting him help. But talking to my own doctor may be useful, yes. Thanks again everyone.

Edit: In Canada someone can be hospitalized and treated if they are judged to be a danger to themselves or others. This isn't the case with him.

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Hi!
I sympathise with your dilemma. We have two (now adult) sons. The eldest was born with several problems, all manageable, except his behaviour.
From an early age, he displayed destructive, violent behaviour which escalated as he grew. Our whole family life revolved around his welfare, education, medical appointments etc. We attended a child psychiatrist on a regular basis from about the age of 9. We undertook all the "parenting programmes" suggested/recommended practiced all types of ways of treatment at home e.g. praise positive ignore negative etc.
His behaviour deteriorated extremely at puberty. By the age of 15 he was in a residential pysch unit during the week and home on weekends.
To cut a long story short, at age 17 he tried to kill his younger brother.
We had been encouraged by the shrink to allow our son to "join" various groups, chess, squash, karate, as we were told it would help him to become part of the wider community. Unbeknown to all of us, he had asked the instructor of karate how someone could be killed, was told of a quick method and one night he tried and almost succeeded with his younger brother. Thankfully, I heard a weird noise, goodness knows where I got the strength from as I am only 152 cm and by this time our son was well over 180cm. The result, I called the Police to have him charged with attempted murder, they would not do so, saying it was a domestic. That night I had our younger son (after medical treatment) sleep on a mattress in our room and I barricaded our bedroom door and sat with my back to it all night! He even placed a note on the door saying he had just tried to kill his brother and would do it again!
My husband and I decided that he could no longer live with us. We went and made application to the Children's Court to have him declared an uncontrollable child and the Authorities and I were granted joint guardianship over him until he turned 18.
I eventually found a psychiatrist who told me that our son had a Type A Personality Disorder, born with it, just like the colour of one's eyes. No treatment, no meds, no therapy will work. The affected person usually has good intelligence, but has an absence of "good" emotions, affection, remorse etc. Is violent, destructive, aggressive, always seeking revenge for perceived wrongs, pathological liar, can be sexually inappropriate etc. We as a family, decided, not without heartache, anguish and guilt that in order for the three of us to maintain any form of sanity and normality in our lives, we had to let him go. That was back in the late 80's. He is still abusive towards me, we do not allow him to come into our home. We do not let him know when my husband is away as in the past, after a visit to our front door, I found a knife in the garden near the front door after he left. I have no doubt that given the opportunity he would attack me. He has made false claims to different government agencies seeking recompense for injuries/assaults which have not occurred and I have reported him, hence his ongoing hatred of me. I could go on, but am sure you understand what I am saying. Your health, both physical and mental must be your primary concern. You will not succeed if the other person is unwilling or incapable of change. Do not capitulate to manipulation and emotional blackmail. How we three managed to survive with our sanity intact is a miracle. Our marriage survived, we work together and it was extremely difficult to put on a "face" each day and go to work and act as if all was well! I came to think of our eldest son, as "someone I once knew", it has helped to ease the heartache, the grief, the guilt, even though I have nothing to feel guilty about. He calls in at work from time to time, and if I am alone he will be abusive verbally. I do not "bite" any more, that is what he wants. I have learnt to be "poker faced" and non committal in my responses. Annie, I am telling you this, not because I think your partner is similarly affected, but to let you know, I feel for you, and that you must consider yourself first. We only have one life. Your sanity and well being must be paramount. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated however subtly, remain firm in your decisions. Of course, you will anguish over whatever you choose and experience all the emotional roller coaster rides I did. I think you are very brave, for asking the forum for advice, for openly discussing the problem, it is not easy to do so. For years, I blamed myself, was ashamed, yet, deep down I knew that for 17 years our whole lives had revolved around one person and their needs in the hope we could help him become a useful member of society. Hope this helps you a bit to determine what is best for you.
cheers
lorraine

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

So much sadness and Lorraine, I feel for you also. That's a sad situation to be in.

Sue, please forgive me for this, but if your bloke has had three "strokes" then I'm sorry, he wouldn't still be here without hospitalisation or medication.

I'm wracking my brain now, but I once heard a long time ago of somebody who occasionally had episodes like this, slurred his words as if he were drunk, but it wasn't a stroke although the initial diagnosis was a stroke but, after further tests, it was found to be something else which was treatable, and this was about 30 years ago. Wish I could remember what it was now, but I'll find out.

I'm glad that you don't feel that you're in any physical danger from him, and I know you love him, but please be strong and deliver that ultimatum I mentioned. Even if you don't mean it, let him think you do and, if he loves you, he'll go if only for peace of mind.

The more I'm reading about this, the less I think he's bi-polar, but there's something definitely amiss lass.

For a young man of 40 to accept that he will only live a few years more causes me to have more concerns about him, when there may well be something that could be done for him.

Forget the kids because they sound useless to me, or at the very least unconcerned, but kids don't see the bigger picture as long as he's there. They won't understand the enormity of what you're going through and listen lass, you cannot allow yourself to be put under any stress over this otherwise you'll be ill yourself.

Why does it only happen a couple of times a year? Have you thought of a trigger? That's important. This obviously is some sort of mental health problem, but he really does need to see a doctor, and I can't understand why he can't see that for himself.

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Mollie I have no wish to disagree with you but think it important anyone reading this gets a full picture.
All stroke patients are different and the outcome of a stroke can depend on the severity of the episode and the part of the brain affected. I have had quite a lot of experience with stroke patients including my husband and I saw him change from a leader of men with a brilliant mind to a scared person who cried all the time and slowly became paralysed.
I am so pleased you that you were one of the luck ones and overcame your stroke so well making it possible for you to be here with us now x.

I would say any interference with the function of the brain can affect behaviour, we can confirm this by seeing the affects alcohol,drugs, a blow to the head can have on a person's behaviour.
It is quite possible for a person to have a number of small strokes without hospitalisation. They are called TRA's, transient ischaemic attack explained down the page here..

http://www.stroke.org.uk/information...FaEhtAodjiyXng

they can leave a mark behind which is detectable as Sue has told us..
...mini strokes and attacks can leave damaged areas in the brain 'lesions' which can show up on a brain scan. My husband had a brain scan at Southampton hospital in 1977 which showed lesions. He went in for the day to have the scans and received no medication afterwards. Lesions or I guess you could call them small scars can affect behaviour as can TIAs..

Lesions
http://www.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-gu...oms-treatments

''Changes in mood, personality, behaviour, mental ability and concentration''.

Sue really has two choices, she clearly loves this man very much and could try to get medical help for him but to do this she will need his co operation.
Or Sue could call it a day and end the relationship, a painful choice but if this man won't get medical help she has a good chance of losing him anyway

Sue (hugs) you are in a horrible predicament . I am so glad you know you can talk to us and will receive support here...x

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Sue, when I wrote this morning, I had no wish to "hijack" your post, only to show that a decision such as you are facing, is extremely traumatic, heartbreaking, fraught with fear and worry and guilt. I wanted you to know that no matter what, there is life after the event. Takes time, and I took a few go's before I answered your post, as it was a big thing for me to speak openly. Your friends, old and new here are all sharing your pain and hoping like mad that there can be a happy helpful resolution to your partner's medical problems!!

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Lorraine, your story is sad and horrific, a parents worse nightmare I would say ..
I am glad you felt able to share your experience with us.

I guess it is normal to blame ones oneself even though no one is to blame for a child being born with some kind of neurological defect.

You clearly did the best anyone could do for their son, I hope you have managed to find a kind of peace within yourself now...(hugs) x

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

I have been watching this thread and have been hesitant to post, because without knowing and understanding the persons concerned I am not sure whether it is wise - every individual's experience of stroke and mental/emotional problems will be different and there is much to consider.
I think what Meg has said is a very sensible response. It is a sad situation to be in and the fact that Annie Jack's partner is only 40 and has experienced ill health and mini strokes must make him feel quite depressed and anxious for the future. This could be an important factor in what is going on - I would hesitate to label him as bi-polar if he has never been assessed and diagnosed.
The shame is that at the moment he is unwilling to be helped - I think working on getting him to accept help with his general health is a priority and is the best thing Annie Jack could do at the moment.
Even if it causes arguments they need to talk and work out their future together, including their individual needs, plans and hopes. At the same time I think Annie should be aware of her own health and needs.
It may be difficult to accept that her partner cannot/won't be helped and is unwilling to co-operate or look after himself. If, after trying, that is the reality Annie Jack needs to be strong and maybe distance herself from him and look after herself and to be brave enough to find her own happiness even if it turns out to be without him.

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

I too have been wary of adding to this post as I've not been here that long and the others know you so much better than me. I really feel reading between your lines that your at the end of your leash. If he won't be sensible and seek medical help then you should maybe talk to your Doctor about him, he won't be the first person they've had to deal with like this and may be able to deal with it easier than you think.
If something happened (heaven forbid) to you then how would him and his daughters cope? I think he needs to stop being a selfish spoilt brat and be made to see what he's doing to you. Perhaps your own family can stand by you in this and a united front may make him stop. Time for him to get a place of his own for himself and his daughters, you can still carry on seeing him if you want, but at least you can go home and shut the door too.

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

What a sad story and what way will you turn!
There is no point in dwelling on the cause of your unhappiness as the situation is what it is.
Are you strong enough to keep on trying to help and support someone who doesn't want to help and support you in return.
I fear that from the description of your predicament if nothing dramatic changes you are going to continue to be a victim of your circumstances.
Advice from others may be supportive but it will not change your life as that is something only you can do and your fate is in your own hands.
I am very sorry you are in this position.

Re: He's possibly bi-polar, I'm at a loss

Hi all... since Christmas he's been through the full range of moods. Declared the relationship over on Dec. 24 and swore to move out end of March. I spent Dec. 25-29 with my family in another city, thinking I was single, thinking where to move and when, keeping it pretty much to myself. Arrived home to find he had cleaned the house and was normal and pleasant as though nothing had been said.

Today he decided he will start sleeping in my room because his daughter wants the futon he usually sleeps on. We'll see. I find it best to ride out the ups and downs with little or no comment.

Yes, I do love him and worry a great deal, and wish he'd let me help him see a doctor. My doc is a 90 min drive away and I seldom go for appointments but perhaps in the spring I'll do it.

Hugs to all of you. Your feedback and shared experiences are much appreciated.