Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey.
I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline.


I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite’.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
Word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

One day a man goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
It tasted unpleasant.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says the man.

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

"Oh that's a relief," replies the man, "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar..."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,

"Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"


"I have no idea, but every time I start to talk to a young woman with a figure like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

STOLEN CAR
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging
Out of his fly for all the world to see..

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Paddy won £500 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called him and said, "We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend the money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."

"Okay" Paddy replied.


The DJ said, "3...2....1..... Congratulations to Paddy, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?"

Paddy said, "I'm going to spend it on air."
..................


A true story about a friend of mines daughter when she was around 5yrs old.

When Catherine was a toddler, someone gave her a little 'Tea Set' as a birthday present, and it was one of her favourite toys. He was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for being such a clever little girl, his wife came home from work.He made her wait in the living room to watch as their daughter brought yet another a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

Jane waited, and sure enough, along came Catherine down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. Jane watched him drink it, then said;

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place that Catherine can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Nice ...

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

there could be literally hundreds of chameleons in your house right now and you wouldn't even know,

worrying about this stuff keeps me awake at night ...

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

That's it, I've decided never to buy anything off the Internet ever again, after getting conned last week,

I ordered what was supposed to be the 'Biggest Cardboard Box' in the world, but the one it came in was bigger ...

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond RING worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged,

with a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

LOL more "crackers" there.