Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!






















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

I see Wicks and BQ are having their summer sales on Irish Garden Recliners.

You have probably been using yours the wrong way for years!

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

funny Longfellow


God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3o'clock in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Knock Knock
Who's there
Me
MeWho
Must get a Catflap.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Don't know whether to laugh or cry at that last joke..

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A few things worth knowing.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
..............

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
...............

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol..
.....................

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
........................

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
.................

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
.................
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
..................

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

The Toad.


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his todger, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do todgers," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........


~
~
~

you know what's coming don't you ?

~


~


~

~

~

she flew off, saying.......





~

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh