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West Riding of Yorkshire
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01-10-2019, 05:51 PM
941

Re: Let's have a laugh

My new loanshark really does have a heart of gold.


He said if I couldn't make the first payment towards the loan by Thursday night then he would take my whole family out at the weekend!
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Judd
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01-10-2019, 08:32 PM
942

Re: Let's have a laugh

t's been a busy week for Diane Abbott. She's just returned from Northern Ireland. When asked what she thought of County Down she said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was doing it.
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01-10-2019, 08:42 PM
943

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Richmond ->
A tour bus full of seniors is driven down a motorway when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder.
She offers him a handful of almonds which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats the gesture eight more times. On the ninth time he asks the little old lady why the seniors don’t eat the almonds themselves.
She replies that it’s not possible because they can’t chew and eat them with their dentures and old teeth.
“Why do buy them then?” he asks, puzzled
The lady replies “We just love the chocolate around them”.
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01-10-2019, 08:50 PM
944

Re: Let's have a laugh

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Jeremy then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch me and listen."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother?"
The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please, Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered, "That would be me."
"Yes, very good!" said the Queen.
"Aha, I get it," said Jeremy, "thank you Ma'am," and in a great rush he left.

Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question.
"Diane, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say, "Let me get back to you on that one."
She went to her advisors and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.
Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and me Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Yes Diane," replied Nigel.
" Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Farage immediately answered, "That's easy; it's me!"
Abbott grinned and said, "Good answer, Nigel. I see it all now."

Abbott then went back to find Corbyn and said to him, "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or sister, the child is Nigel Farage!"
Corbyn went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott and yelled in her face, "No, you bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"
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01-10-2019, 09:00 PM
945

Re: Let's have a laugh

Five examples of successful rebranding.


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01-10-2019, 10:05 PM
946

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by JBR ->
Five examples of successful rebranding.
Funny and alarming at the same time!
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01-10-2019, 10:10 PM
947

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Richmond ->
Funny and alarming at the same time!
And almost certainly true!
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Perth Western Australia, 3rd house on the right
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02-10-2019, 01:13 PM
948

Re: Let's have a laugh

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
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JBR
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02-10-2019, 01:27 PM
949

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Mr Ploppy ->
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
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Richmond
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United Kingdom
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02-10-2019, 09:39 PM
950

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Mr Ploppy ->
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
Good One!!! LOL! Pinching it!
 
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