Here's another true story though it's not very funny.

My Chinese neighbours in my stair have this habit of taking my mail into their house. I got quite cross when I found out that they had opened one which was a hospital appointment.

Their excuse is that the mother of one of them doesn't speak any English. I asked them if my name was in Chinese on the letter and if that was why they opened it. I don't think they got my sarcasm. It really annoys me.

Sometimes they will leave my post on my doorstep (I think the husband knows that they are clearly my letters).

One time they took in an Amazon parcel and signed for it. I had to knock on their door as my computer was showing me that it had been signed for. Again I asked them which part of the name on the parcel was in Chinese?

Apart from that they are good neighbours and are very quiet despite having both a baby and a toddler.

Yep. I was explaining to them that my religious faith (having attended a Catholic Church School for 7 years) was wavering. They were very worried

I bet they said "Change the record"

We’re you up before the beak then..?

I once shoplifted a bottle of whiskey from Lidl. I got caught and the Police took me to a different Police station on the other side of the city. They let me go after I'd sobered up after a few hours.

Then, I found a Morrisons and stole a bottle of vodka and got away with it. I used to drink quite alcoholically. Almost all my acquaintances were alcoholics. Never drugs though, I never got into that.

We’re you up before the beak then..?

I discovered our eldest adopted son, as a teenager, had shoplifted some sweets from one of the shops in the village where we were then living. I went ballistic and dragged him back to the shop to pay for the goods and apologise. I said they had my full support if they wished to prosecute him, which they didn't.