One of Those!

Part One


Ooh! The Farmers in his Den
The Farmers in his Den
Eh Ay Adio
The Farmer picks a wife
The Farmer picks a wife.

We were Skipping in the Street and so excited as Aunty Jean was taking me and Josie my best friend, to the Pantomime to see ‘Jack and the Bean Stork’ in the Matinee.
Josie lived two doors away at the Corner Shop with her family.

Some women were on their hands and knees scrubbing the Front Door Step with Donkey Stone. This was like a block of hard Chalk, cream or beige and made the Front Door Step look new

As you walked by, you got a good view of knee length navy blue or knickers where all were safely gathered in They had never seen Thongs, and their rather ample rears simply would not be contained in Skimpy ones

We both went in to get ready, and put on our best clothes. Mother had said
“You are not going out dressed like a tramp and showing me up. Clean underwear as well” Pristine white. That was just in case I got knocked down by a big Red Rochdale Double Decker Bus.

“You go and get Josie, don’t be long as Aunty will be here soon, ” said Mother, so off I skipped.
I went in the well stocked Shop, a typical Corner Shop selling all manner of things including Chemists Sundries. Men usually went in when Josie’s Dad was serving. And whispered “Something for the Weekend” upon which a brown paper bag was produced and handed over. One or two would reluctantly ask Josie’s Mum for the same, but felt embarrassed, Saying “Ten Woodbines please,and whisper “And a packet of Those”
She did not blink an eyelid at the transaction. Of course not much variety then.

“She won’t be long, ”said Josie's Mum, as she was serving Mr Gardner, so I sat on the stairs at the side of the shop leading into the living accommodation. There was has full view of the Customers from that angle.

Mr Gardner was leaving saying politely “Good Afternoon”
Enter the Street Gossip . Mrs Armstrong , who always wore a turban.
She pursed her lips after the door closed and said to Mrs Kershaw. “A Quarter of Ham please” You do know He’s one of those” looking in the direction of the door
“Pardon? One of what” “ You know and she leaned over the counter and whispered
I could not hear! “ Now, Mrs Armstrong , that’s a scandalous thing to say, I will not have you coming in here saying such things He’s a happily married man with a lovely wife and twin boys” “Well where is his wife now? She asked “She’s a lot younger than him”.
“She has taken the twins to see Grandma. They always go on Wednesday.“ You mark my words” He’s got piggy eyes and they are blood shot too”
“Nonsense, he’s a respectable gentleman and Civil Servant in the Tax Office.
Then Aunty appeared and we were off.
We walked and only took the Bus if it was over a mile.

I was trying to remember to ask Aunty what ‘One of Those’ was, next time I went to see her.
The Theatre was packed with children and their relations.
We bought some popcorn before we entered and soon the show started
There was screams and shouts from the children at Jack’s Mother who was obviously a man in women’s clothes I thought that was hilarious. Men could wear women’s clothes in the Pantomime.
Finally it was over and time to go home laughing all the way at the scenes in the Pantomime

It was about 5 pm and I had promised to see my other friend who lived next to Aunty
Sheila.
She was a delicate child, spent lots of time in bed and did not go out much so I went to play board games with her once a week. I skipped down the back way, the Alley
The backs of the terraced houses were on one side and a small Factory on the other side
Behind the Factory you could see the top room of the three storey terraced houses with their full length windows.
Mr Gardner and his family lived in the first house and sometimes I caught a glimpse of Mrs Gardner cleaning the window as I skipped by. I thought I saw her then, but she seemed to have a lot of bright Red Lipstick on. This was unusual as she never wore make-up.

I went into Sheila’s home and was told to go upstairs
Sheila was eating some Chips and said “I can’t give you any as I have to eat them all myself” said she. I thought that was mean as I was taught to share the things I had.
We played Snap, and Snakes and Ladders, and then it was time for Sheila’s rest.

Through her bedroom window I had a much better view of Mr Gardner’s top window and still noticed Mrs Gardner just looking out, this still puzzled me, then I forgot it as I had to go home. Sheila’s Mum saw me home from her back door.
A movement at the top window caught my attention and then I saw Mrs Gardner dresses in a short skirt and very high heels on and her hair a different colour and her legs were a different shape and she had bushy eyebrows. Suddenly I was frightened as I realised it was Mr Gardner! I ran home as fast as I could.

“Young lady haven’t I told you not to run, you look hot. Are you alright”? “Yes, I just want a drink, please Mum.
I did not confide in her as she would say “ Are you making up stories? I don’t want to listen to gossip! !
No! I would tell Aunty tomorrow , but wondered how it could possibly Mr Gardner. Maybe he is in a Pantomime!!

Re: One of Those!

You have had many seminal moments.

Re: One of Those!

This is a lovely story, Azure, and I await Part 2.
Just don't let it slide.....

Re: One of Those!

Yes a loverly story and well written.

Re: One of Those!

Insightful look into our recent past, scrubbing the doorstep was upheld by all street residents as was sweeping the pavement. It was pride that you did your bit for the benefit of all.

Re: One of Those!

Azure, Now write an up-to-date version! It would have to be so politically correct.
There would be no kids out in the street playing! You'd be eating pizza or a McDonalds! Heads down playing games on your iPad or looking for Pokemons!!

Re: One of Those!

I found a Pokemon yesterday. I had to do it. I downloaded it to my iPad, and went out my street door and there was one. Got it.
Sorry but terribly off topic.

Re: One of Those!

Part Two

“She’ll be here soon Jack, said Jean, and just watch what you say, as she remembers everything
I wonder what she is going to ask me today” referring to Ella.
“What time is the Football Match?” ”Kick off at about 2 pm
They can’t play Football can they? Always at the bottom of third division.
“ Don’t be like that! The’re grand lads and they do try. A new Striker joins today”
Well, let’s hope he can see the Football then, Jean said laughing.

“Aunty”, called Ella at the back door having avoided looking up at the long window
“Oh, you look tired ,been running? Let's do our reading! I put my hand on her arm and said “Aunty what does ‘One of those’ mean? “I don’t know, Why”
Mrs Armstrong said that Mr Gardner was ‘One of Those’ “Oh! That Gossip. I have told you not to listen” “But what does it mean”I insisted She looked puzzled “Well, he’s one of those Tax Inspectors working in the Tax Office.” “Aunty, can Uncle Jack wear dresses” “Ha Ha! That would be funny,he’s much too broad and a dress would not suit him or fit him.
What a funny question”But Aunty, is Mr Gardner in the Pantomime” “ I don’t think so. Why”
“He was at that window up there pointing upwards, and he had a dress and high heels and lipstick on”
“No!.. That was Mrs Gardner” No,
“She was not there on I saw her going out with the twins”
She looked shocked “Have you told Mum? No, ” she will get cross”
“I liked men with dresses on in the Panto, but not at the window.”
“Let’s do our reading and have Tea and I will take you home”
When they got home. Jean told Ella’s mother the whole story

“Ella Sweetie, said Mum, you must tell mum if you you are frightened
Don’t you worry that man will not frighten you again”

When Jack came home, Jean repeated what Ella had said’
“Do you talk to him” “No, he’s very serious , not one of the lads”
You wouldn't think he was like that, he looks so respectable, probably wants attention.
But we must report it suppose he decides to stand there naked “? “Oh! I feel sick, ” said Jean. “ Is it illegal? If it is causing offence, not sure about in your own home though.
Which day, does his wife go out? Wednesday and Saturday and usually back at 6 pm.
Before we report him, I will come home early next Wednesday and I will keep watch on Saturday as well , he won’t be able to see me. May be we should report first, we will call at the Police Station tomorrow on the way to the Market. “

In the Police Station after speaking to the Desk Sergeant, they were shown to a side room and a D I came in to interview them.They relayed what they and Ella had seen and their concerns, and to their surprise they were told that there had already been a complaint about Mr Gardner,from their neighbours “Is it an offence” asked Jack? The D I said, “It is known as lewd behaviour” on view at the window . However we have arranged to keep watch on the nights in question in Mr & Mrs Peters bedroom. Perhaps we could also use your home as well, .there will be a plain clothed PC and WPC. Unmarked cars parked out of sight. If necessary a Police Car can get there in less than 5 minutes. Not a word to anyone!” They agreed but Auntie Jean said she felt really mean, because she like Mrs Gardner “ It is not her fault said Jack, but she must know what he is up too
It could spiral out of control”

The Police arrived and kept well out of view and suddenly Mr. Gardner appeared dressed in Stockings and Suspenders and pants and bra . Lots of notes were taken , “That does it said the PC we will get the car right away “
Very soon a Black Van came and took him away and Mrs Armstrong said gloatingly “Well! I was right, I told you so, and you did not believe me.

There was also a report on the local paper .

He did spend a few nights in jail and his wife went to stay with her Parents with the boys.

The House went up for sale and Mr Gardner left the area, no one is , if he and his wife ever got back together

Much later Transvestites were more open about it especially as Danny La Rue went touring round the Country dressed in beautiful gowns and people flocked to see him.
About 30 years ago It was no longer an offence, and no need to stand at windows to get attention

Now I think Cross Dressing is harmless and great fun too.

I know some wives who are happy to appear in public with their ‘ Cross Dressing husbands, all smartly dressed as well.

Witness the famous Artist ‘Grayson Perry, Cross Dresser’who wears ribbons and bows and pretty dresses. He went to receive his C B E from Prince Charles dressed in a Dress and High Heels and very smart he looked too.

Re: One of Those!

Artangel

These days children as young as five years old seem to have I Pads, and know how to use them

Not sure if they would even be interested in Panto's.

The Age of Innocence is sadly long gone

Re: One of Those!

Yes,that's true,usually form past experiences,