Till Death Do Us Part?

No not the usual stuff of marriage but parents and children.

In some cultures taking care of ones parents is a serious family commitment [asian and middle east] in fact an obligation for life. This involves a deep honour and respect for ones parents and a regular commitment to caring and sharing.

Equally we see the other side in our own culture with parents and mentally/physically handicapped children where some parents feel a total commitment until death to care for their adult handicapped children.

Where does/should the commitment stop?

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

If a parent has raised you in a committed way, shown love and respect for you then I agree with the culture of respect and love, committment to the parent, its giving back and rightly so.
I have such respect for that culture - family life is so important, as it should be.

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

I certainly don't think children should be lumbered with looking after their elderly parents in their own homes. However well you get on with them, looking after them in that capacity is likely to put a big strain on a relationship. My sisters and I looked out for our parents and ensured their care homes were of the best care and quality, but no way would we have had them in our own homes even if that had been possible.

We have two adopted sons with special needs. The older boy, now nearly 40, who has moderate learning difficulties and behavioural problems, we obliged to leave our home when he was 21 as we were no longer prepared to endure his behaviour. We rarely see him, but I keep in contact by phone. The younger boy 28, whom we love to pieces, left home in 2011 as I found coping with him and my disabled husband was too much of a strain. He is in a fantastic community living project where he is having a whale of a time. We see him a few times a month, but he can't wait to get back to him new abode after seeing the old people .

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

Some people are not in a position to pay for care, regardless of that, its a personal choice, I would have prefered to look after parents, if able to...

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

I could never have paid for their care but I saw looking after them as a privilege certainly didn't feel lumbered with them. Although it may have been nice if my sisters could have visited them occasionally just so we didn't feel so alone with the task.

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

My idea of the best arrangement (speaking only for our family) would be a multi-unit, multi-generation home - privacy or socializing as desired.

I'm fortunate that my daughter and her family took me in 4 months ago and we get along quite well, but she's only 27 and shouldn't be worrying about having her mother underfoot.

I'm still fairly independent and able to help with housekeeping (she never asks, I just like to tidy things and wash up so I do it - and besides, she's great cook!). Lately, I'm having trouble with the stairs and such, so I realize I won't be wanting to stay here forever and am thinking about other options.

When my dad was still alive and he and mom still in their home, he was blind the last few years. Mom's MS had progressed to the point where she used a walker. They used to joke that she was "the eyes" and he was "the legs" and together they got things done. When dad passed away I asked Mom to move in with us, but she wanted to be independent. I understand that now.

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

I don't think there is any Standard model where issues such as this are concerned, some kids can put their own lives aside, and get on with caring for their forebears, some kids need too distance themselves from the responsibility of care, I never judge anyone for their approach, so much is governed by life experience, to the point where this becomes an issue. If you are fortunate, you will never have this dilemma.

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

From a parental viewpoint - there will always be an open door and lifelong feeling of committment and responsbility for my children. To me it goes with the territory of being a mother.
I don't expect my children to feel the same responsibility about me. I hope they will always want me around and be pleased I am there for them, but in my opinion there should be no strings or repayment for having given birth to them. Our children are not an insurance policy for our old age. They have their lives to live as best they can just as we oldies have done in our time. All I hope is that they want to come and see me wherever I end up if I can no longer look after myself, although if I get in too bad a state I think I would prefer they didn't come and just remembered me as I was when fit and able.

Annie's idea of multi-generation living is good if it works. I have had experience of this as a child growing up. My dad's four sisters with their new husbands/families and my dad, mum and my sister and I all lived together with my grandparents in a big house in London after the war. There were differences and ups and downs, but each family had their own space and we had some lovely times for quite a few years. It worked well for all us as kids when we were young.

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

scenario 1 - my sister and hubbie live in Canada and have two daughters living independently. Hubbie had a sister with Chronic MS and living in a home in UK. He felt a certain obligation to care for his sister either for a while or long term. He arranged for her to be flown to CA - modified his home and she moved in for 3-6mths.

This caused all sorts of intra-family tensions even though he even arranged for a carer to come each day. Each member of the family attempted to relate in their own limited ways but it created great strains and my sister vowed never again.

Her hubbie obviously felt a deep obligation to do this but probably didn't consult enough with all his family members at least in CA at a level they could freely ventilate before the event occurred. My personal view is that it should never have happened?

ps: eventually the sister returned to UK and died in the original home and the entire exercise occurred at considerable expense.

pps: in the child-parent; parent-child caring relationships, if the relationships have never been healthy and caring ones throughout the normal life spans then the obligations could be non-existent or very limited I would imagine?

Re: Till Death Do Us Part?

Every family situation is different. My OH offered to modify our house and bring my mother to live with us when it became too difficult for her to stay in her own apartment. I declined, knowing that she would prefer living in the city where she has a social network and a doctor she trusts. She's now in a long-term care home with the freedom to come and go, using her power wheelchair and the mobility bus. We visit every week.

I agree with Aerolor: I hope they will always want me around and be pleased I am there for them, but in my opinion there should be no strings or repayment for having given birth to them. Our children are not an insurance policy for our old age. They have their lives to live as best they can just as we oldies have done in our time. All I hope is that they want to come and see me wherever I end up if I can no longer look after myself, although if I get in too bad a state I think I would prefer they didn't come and just remembered me as I was when fit and able.

My situation now is interim. My daughter offered me a room when she found out we were losing our business and our house. I am able to contribute to rent so this arrangement also benefits them. I enjoy caring for my grandson 2 days a week but they don't expect me to be a regular babysitter.

If/when my MS progresses to the point where I can not care for myself I do not want any of my children caring for me. They have their lives to live and I will live within my means, wherever it's best to go.

As for my 3 girls - their relationship may be somewhat different than most siblings because they are triplets. Despite living in different cities they are very close and would do anything for each other. If one was in need there would be no doubt in my mind the other 2 would be there to care and support her. That gives me a great deal of comfort.