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02-04-2017, 07:12 PM
31

Re: Jokes for blokes

Australian foreplay:

"Brace yourself, Sheila."
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02-04-2017, 07:15 PM
32

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man was on a date with the easiest girl in town. After they parked the car, she wasted no time in climbing into the back and encouraging him to put his hand inside her knickers.

The petting grew heavier and she began moaning in pleasure until she suddenly cried, "Ow, that ring is hurting me!"

He replied, "That's no ring - that's my watch!"
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02-04-2017, 07:20 PM
33

Re: Jokes for blokes

A married couple were lying in bed at night. The wife had settled down ready to go to sleep, but the husband was reading a book by the light of his bedside lamp. As he was reading, he paused momentarily, reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy before resuming reading his book.

Aroused by his touch, she got out of bed and slipped off her nightdress. The husband was mystified.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"You were playing with my pussy," replied the wife, "I thought it was foreplay for something heavier."

The husband exclaimed, "No! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages!"
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03-04-2017, 06:04 PM
34

Re: Jokes for blokes

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a group of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a nurse and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, then she loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. "How does that feel?"

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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03-04-2017, 06:11 PM
35

Re: Jokes for blokes

Two golfers are just about to tee off, when suddenly a naked blonde runs across the fairway followed by two men in white coats, a man carrying two buckets of sand and an old man hobbling at the rear. One of the golfers asks the old man what is going on.

"That's a nymphomaniac from the asylum. We attendants are trying to catch her," he tells them.

"And what about the man with the buckets of sand?" they ask.

"Oh, that's his handicap. He caught her last time."
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05-04-2017, 10:42 AM
36

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad. for 'gorilla removers'.

He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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05-04-2017, 10:52 AM
37

Re: Jokes for blokes

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.

As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.

Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you' in gorilla language.

The explanation didn't make the victim fell any better and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage.

Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas are natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn and did the same.

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped out the sausage from his pants and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.
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06-04-2017, 08:47 PM
38

Re: Jokes for blokes

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree, while a gynaecologist looks up your bush.

What did the gynaecologist say to his wife when he came home after a long, tiring day?
"Whew, I'm bushed."

A woman goes to her gynaecologist and complains of pain in her aviaries.
"Don't you mean ovaries?" the doc asks.
"No," she says.
"We had better have a look then," says the doc. After a minute of peering, he says, "You're right. It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there."
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07-04-2017, 11:15 PM
39

Re: Jokes for blokes

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady. "What is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St Peter. "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable, but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady. "Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St Peter. "They are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised."

"Sure," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
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08-04-2017, 10:39 PM
40

Re: Jokes for blokes

Osama Bin Laden arrives in heaven. He is surprised that there are not 72 virgins waiting for him, and even more surprised to be met by St Peter.

St Peter: "Welcome Osama. We've been waiting for you and it is good to see you. Now, before anything else, is there anything I can do for you?"

OBL: "Well, would it be possible to see Mohammed?"

St Peter: "You want to see Mohammed? Well, I'm sure that would be possible, but first I must register you. There now."

OBL: "Will it be possible to see Mohammed now?"

St Peter: "It shouldn't be a problem, but first I must take you to meet God; he's been looking forward to seeing you."

So St Peter takes OBL off to meet God.

God: "My dear boy, how good to see you! I began to think you were never coming. Did you have a good journey? Has St Peter shown you round?"

OBL: "Yes, everything is fine, but there is just one thing. Could I see Mohammed?"

God: "You want to see Mohammed? Of course, dear boy. Tell me, would you like a coffee?"

OBL: "That would be very nice."

God goes to the door, opens it and shouts: "Yo, Mohammed. Two coffees, please."
 
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