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longfellow
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Penthouse in Essex overlooking the Thames.
Joined: Oct 2013
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longfellow is male  longfellow has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
26-02-2018, 11:38 PM
1

Smiles.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said i...n court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
+++++++++++++++++


The Husband Store:


A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -These men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

(scroll down and keep reading!)




To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...
+++++++++++++

A guy with a monkey walks into a bar and sits down. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the all the stuff that the monkey ate, and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now.”
Sweetie pie
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04-03-2018, 09:34 PM
2

Re: Smiles.

That made me laugh.
So much to read, but VERY good.
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04-03-2018, 09:38 PM
3

Re: Smiles.

I like the attorney/witness ones lol
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effingpot
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Hampshire, UK
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06-03-2018, 11:39 AM
4

Re: Smiles.

@Longfellow - do you actually have the book? I've been collecting jokes from the days that email started - about 25-30 years now and have had some of that Lawyer stuff for a while but didn't know the source.

I've started copying and pasting all these funnies (well the ones that still make me laugh) on my web site - Friday Fun. It's taking forever.
If anyone has stuff I should include I'm happy take contributions
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longfellow
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longfellow is offline
Penthouse in Essex overlooking the Thames.
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06-03-2018, 05:01 PM
5

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
@Longfellow - do you actually have the book? I've been collecting jokes from the days that email started - about 25-30 years now and have had some of that Lawyer stuff for a while but didn't know the source.

I've started copying and pasting all these funnies (well the ones that still make me laugh) on my web site - Friday Fun. It's taking forever.
If anyone has stuff I should include I'm happy take contributions
Nope no book effingpot. I used to belong to a support group and we started a comedy group around 2005. It was so all those with jokes could post them to those group members that were up for a giggle. A few of the oldies were a bit touchy at the time because we started posting them on the actual support group to give them all a laugh.But as we found out not everybody likes to laugh some would rather sit about all day moaning about their illness trying to bring everybody else down.
Most of the comedy group have passed now one actually passed 2 days ago so there are not many left and the joke posts are getting less and less .
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effingpot
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effingpot is offline
Hampshire, UK
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 105
effingpot is male  effingpot has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
06-03-2018, 05:12 PM
6

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by longfellow ->
Nope no book effingpot. I used to belong to a support group and we started a comedy group around 2005. It was so all those with jokes could post them to those group members that were up for a giggle. A few of the oldies were a bit touchy at the time because we started posting them on the actual support group to give them all a laugh.But as we found out not everybody likes to laugh some would rather sit about all day moaning about their illness trying to bring everybody else down.
Most of the comedy group have passed now one actually passed 2 days ago so there are not many left and the joke posts are getting less and less .
Oh I see - sorry to hear the group is shrinking

I do wonder where a lot of these things come from - back in 1996 the email systems were rife with these sort of jokes and lists and things. Well before Facebook and Twitter and all that. I'm going through my old list and deleting a ton of stuff that isn't funny any more.

Some still makes me laugh though. I post them here from time to time.
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longfellow
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longfellow is offline
Penthouse in Essex overlooking the Thames.
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 7,642
longfellow is male  longfellow has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
06-03-2018, 05:27 PM
7

Re: Smiles.

Yes FB as ruined alot of e.mailing groups.
I have 2 accounts on FB one personal which I only have 17 family n friends on.I ain't that sociable.
The other is an information page which is followed by about 700 the last time I looked.
I just post info about a certain illness and don't really do any chatting because I have found on other FB groups there can be squabbles which I don't really have the time to sort out.
https://www.facebook.com/Alpha1-COPD...5630586165037/
Sweetie pie
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06-03-2018, 05:33 PM
8

Re: Smiles.

I like reading these jokes!
I am fetching my friends.
We will keep this going.
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effingpot
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06-03-2018, 06:13 PM
9

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by Sweetie pie ->
I like reading these jokes!
I am fetching my friends.
We will keep this going.
OK - a few short ones from the 90's then
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • I poured spot remover over my dog, now he's gone.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

<more>
Sweetie pie
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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 27,450
Sweetie pie is female  Sweetie pie has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
06-03-2018, 06:17 PM
10

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
OK - a few short ones from the 90's then
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • I poured spot remover over my dog, now he's gone.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

<more>
Go on then.
 
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