Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

 Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"

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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bleeding bed by the looks of it!"

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Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"



Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Keep them coming Longfellow...we have the same sense of humor.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Has this ever happened to you?
Yesterday I was at my local Asda store in Forest Hill buying a
large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended
up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in
intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again.



(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's **** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Asda.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and
says....


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,

you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Steven Spielberg was discussing his newest project - an action docudrama about famous composers, starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, were all being courted for the top roles.
Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were among the most famous.

"I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him."

"I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play."

"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you like to be?"
"I'll be Bach!" Schwarzenegger replied.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A man left a note for his wife to read, it went like this:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty and pointing out that I am 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. x

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Ahmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En" - silence in the classroom...
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.
Then a girl stood up and said, "Sorry sir, I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

They're better than mine more please guys.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.


They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Wow!! I should be so lucky!!

Can you believe it?

This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday,


and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!