Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

Tommy Cooper one liners

A man went to see his doctor because of an addiction to spaghetti. Doctor said that if he did not stop he would die. The man did not stop and pasta way soon after!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 1 hour later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they wanted £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

Yea - but its the way he tells 'em Steve ......
Not the same on a bit of paper - gave me a larf tho'

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

True he told them "Just like that" har har har !!!

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

Har-har .......

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

Frank Carson said "it's the way that I tell'em"

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

Some real crackers there . Very funny stuff.

I went to a Tommy Cooper show and I laughed so much I hurt. I reckon the show should have carried a health warning .

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

I used to love Tommy Cooper when he was on TV. You just had to laugh when you looked at him. He could never understand in real life why people thought he was funny to look at.

Some more Tommy's for you

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

I was repeating those to Hubs - made meself larf Must be the way I tell 'em .....
Tommy went to the doctors ya see (clear throat) and he said 'Doctor - when I hold me arm like this - it hurts .....'
Doc said - 'Well dont hold yer arm like that' .......

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

How did Tommy know about ATMs, mobiles and hash keys?

Re: Tommy Cooper 1 liner's

He dont go that 'far back' gal - 90s at least ......
He would have had a phone for the 'hash key' ....
Here - I think me an you should be a double act, like Hilda Baker and Sissy .......