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Judd
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Judd is offline
West Riding of Yorkshire
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 12,538
Judd is male  Judd has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
15-07-2017, 04:00 PM
221

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
My son was sent home from school for swearing.
I said to him, "What did you say?"

He replied, "I used the C word."

I said, "That wasn't clever, was it?"

"No," he said. "It was c**t."

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JBR
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Cheshire, UK
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Posts: 32,785
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16-07-2017, 12:26 AM
222

Re: Jokes for blokes

What school reports really mean:

A born leader = Runs a protection racket
Easy going = Bone idle
Making good progress = Slightly less awful than last year
Friendly = Never shuts up
Helpful = A creep
Reliable = Informs on his friends
Expresses himself confidently = A rude bastard
Enjoys physical education = A bully
Does not accept authority easily = Dad is in prison
Often appears tired = Insomniac telly addict
A rather solitary child = He stinks and has no friends
Popular in the playground = Sells porn
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gasman
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Kent, UK
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 3,362
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16-07-2017, 06:07 PM
223

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
What school reports really mean:

A born leader = Runs a protection racket
Easy going = Bone idle
Making good progress = Slightly less awful than last year
Friendly = Never shuts up
Helpful = A creep
Reliable = Informs on his friends
Expresses himself confidently = A rude bastard
Enjoys physical education = A bully
Does not accept authority easily = Dad is in prison
Often appears tired = Insomniac telly addict
A rather solitary child = He stinks and has no friends
Popular in the playground = Sells porn
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JBR
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JBR is offline
Cheshire, UK
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 32,785
JBR is male  JBR has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
17-07-2017, 11:12 PM
224

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man is in the queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can't believe she is staring at him, and then she starts waving.

"Excuse me, do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids," she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "****ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do, while your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replied, "I am your son's English teacher."
Mondays child
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United Kingdom
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18-07-2017, 09:38 PM
225

Re: Jokes for blokes

Group of young lads at the swimming pool notice an old guy the other side of the pool but what they notice mostly is the old guy has quite a large bulge at the front of his swimming trunks. They decide to approach the old guy and one says to him, "For an old guy Grandpa your sporting quite a package down there"
"Yes" said the old guy, "in my younger days I used to be a plumber and when aroused I could bend copper pipes over it"
Young lads are amazed.
"Of course I carnt do it nowadays..... my wrists have gone"
Mondays child
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United Kingdom
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18-07-2017, 09:42 PM
226

Re: Jokes for blokes

Spent an hour today working on the wife's grave.

Poor woman, she had thinks I'm putting a fish pond in the garden.
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JBR
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JBR is offline
Cheshire, UK
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 32,785
JBR is male  JBR has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
18-07-2017, 11:27 PM
227

Re: Jokes for blokes

In response to the government's new education initiative, it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the 'First Arithmetic and Reading Test' or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades three, four and five until they are capable of passing a FART.

If a student does not successfully pass a FART by grade five, that student shall be placed in a separate English programme known as the 'Special Measures Easy Learning Language', or SMELL.

If, with this increased SMELL programme, the student cannot pass the required FART, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another course in 'Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation', or CRAP.

If by age 14, the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the 'Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students', or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Schools Inspectorate that an intensive week of PRUNES will almost certainly enable any student to FART, SMELL and CRAP.

In the long term, it is envisaged that this revised education initiative should help to clear the air.
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Judd
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Judd is offline
West Riding of Yorkshire
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 12,538
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19-07-2017, 09:12 PM
228

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by Mondays child ->
Spent an hour today working on the wife's grave.

Poor woman, she had thinks I'm putting a fish pond in the garden.
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gasman
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gasman is offline
Kent, UK
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 3,362
gasman is male  gasman has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
19-07-2017, 11:14 PM
229

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
In response to the government's new education initiative, it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the 'First Arithmetic and Reading Test' or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades three, four and five until they are capable of passing a FART.

If a student does not successfully pass a FART by grade five, that student shall be placed in a separate English programme known as the 'Special Measures Easy Learning Language', or SMELL.

If, with this increased SMELL programme, the student cannot pass the required FART, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another course in 'Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation', or CRAP.

If by age 14, the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the 'Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students', or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Schools Inspectorate that an intensive week of PRUNES will almost certainly enable any student to FART, SMELL and CRAP.

In the long term, it is envisaged that this revised education initiative should help to clear the air.
Bloody brilliant and of course, shall be copied
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JBR
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JBR is offline
Cheshire, UK
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 32,785
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20-07-2017, 12:02 AM
230

Re: Jokes for blokes

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class, looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the blackboard. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in ever larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
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