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09-05-2021, 09:33 AM
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Coping with grief.

I went to see my recently bereaved friend J the other day & found her in a very low state of mind.

For the past 2 years her hubby B has been in a care home suffering with dementia.

The last time J saw him in a lucid state was last summer when she went to visit. Unfortunately because of lockdown she wasn't allowed to go indoors to visit so they brought him to the window. He put out his arms to her & started crying. This of course made J cry & there they stood with glass between them both sobbing.

J can't get past this memory because he went into decline soon after that & though she went to see him a few times before he died in March this year, I don't think he knew her.

This memory has excluded all others and is all she can think about.

I took her details of Cruise Bereavement Group & local groups that might help her. I told her I'd accompany her to anywhere she wanted to go.

She has two lovely daughters & they are in despair because of the state of their mum. She won't go out of the house & isn't interested in anything..

I think it helped her talking to me about this but how can I help her get past it?
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09-05-2021, 09:52 AM
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Re: Coping with grief.

That’s very sad carol, it’s surprising how quickly people can deteriorate with dementia, I’m not sure what I can suggest other than to keep reminding her of all the good and happy times they had together, perhaps if she has any photos and memories of things they shared together, grief is a funny thing, it affects people differently, perhaps over time and with the support of good friends like you, and her family around her, she might feel a bit more herself, if you know what I mean, .
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09-05-2021, 09:54 AM
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Re: Coping with grief.

Hi Carol coping with bereavement is a very individual thing and we each have to do it in our own way in our own time.

I think the best way to help a friend is to let them know you are there any time day or night if they want to talk and let them talk if they feel like it .
Meeting for a walk may help, it can be easier to talk when you are not face to face or just walking in silence if that is what they want .

Small gestures that say 'You are in my thoughts' can help too, a little plant,some flowers or a meal they can freeze until they wish to eat .
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09-05-2021, 10:34 AM
4

Re: Coping with grief.

Oh Carol that is so sad, they were obviously a devoted couple.
It’s just awful that the traumatic memory of him standing at the window is her last memory of him.
She is still very raw and l suppose, it’s only time that can help until she can come to terms with her loss.

I imagine she doesn’t feel like eating at the moment and this is unfortunate at a time when she needs to keep herself healthy and strong.

It is good that she has you, a great, caring friend to be there for her.
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09-05-2021, 10:34 AM
5

Re: Coping with grief.

Carol we have a friend whose husband died last Sunday. He had a very bad heart attack and was found on the kitchen floor, by his son who had to tell his mother! My sister stayed with her till Monday & she had a few visitors but after a few days we persuaded her to do some shopping rather than stay at home alone. When she was home she was so sad and lonely so my sister and other friends are going to encourage her to go out for lunch with them, after the funeral, and for a few weeks to get her into a routine
She was always sociable so we hope that spending time with others in different places may help, because when she is home alone she is still looking for somebody to blame ( often herself for going to bed before he did).
I would say, be there for her and try to coax her to go out for a walk with you ( or have a coffee) because she needs to see that life goes on & learn that she can still be happy even though she has lost her husband.
Lets hope they can both get back to living a normal life when the Covid restrictions are getting less.
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09-05-2021, 11:07 AM
6

Re: Coping with grief.

Two weeks after B's death she seemed to be coping. We went a walk together & sat in the park with a flask of coffee that I'd made.

That was the one & only time she has been a walk with me. Since then her mental state has deteriorated and she makes excuses not to go out..
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09-05-2021, 11:21 AM
7

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by carol ->
Two weeks after B's death she seemed to be coping. We went a walk together & sat in the park with a flask of coffee that I'd made.

That was the one & only time she has been a walk with me. Since then her mental state has deteriorated and she makes excuses not to go out..
That sounds lovely Carol and was just right

May say 'I need a walk and could do with your company, shall I will bring the coffee' ...
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09-05-2021, 11:27 AM
8

Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by carol ->
Two weeks after B's death she seemed to be coping. We went a walk together & sat in the park with a flask of coffee that I'd made.

That was the one & only time she has been a walk with me. Since then her mental state has deteriorated and she makes excuses not to go out..


Poor woman.

I agree with what Meg said, and we all handle grief very differently.

Although kindly people try to their best to help, sometimes that can be seen as trying to get the person to do what they think they should do, which is not always what the grieving person wants to do.

It is very difficult, and we need time to come to terms with a death , not being pushed into a social life they are not ready for, no matter how well-meaning.

An example here is, I have a friend who grieves by talking about the incident over and over and over. Every detail, how she felt, what she thought, and she makes herself cry over and over again.

I am the opposite. I have to quiet. I don't want to be made to talk and re-live it.
I need time in private to get my head round a situation, to work it out in my head and try to come to terms with things. The last thing I would want is anyone trying to drag me out to eat or be with groups of people, althought just the two of you in the park sounds pleasant.

I don't know what type of person your friend is Carol, but I do feel very sorry for anyone in her position. Sadly, her memories will take time to heal though.
I hope she turns the corner soon.
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09-05-2021, 12:28 PM
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Re: Coping with grief.

Originally Posted by Mups ->

I don't know what type of person your friend is Carol, but I do feel very sorry for anyone in her position. Sadly, her memories will take time to heal though.
I hope she turns the corner soon.
She was always a confident person who liked to take charge of things. Even a bit bossy at times..

Now she's just crumbled.
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09-05-2021, 12:57 PM
10

Re: Coping with grief.

Carol is there anything she was interested in, like baking, sewing,gardening or anything else she was good at doing?

Perhaps you could ask her to help you with something. I know you probably don't need her help, but you sound like a good friend so she may be happy to help you with a small job.
It may also help her to focus on other things than her loss!

Our friend is improving already, as she doesn't want anybody else to sort the funeral because she knew her husband best & what he would have wanted. We said we are here to help if she needs us, but organizing the funeral seems to have given her a purpose and temporarily takes her mind away from her loss. Grieving for many is a slow job but our friend seems to be taking small steps in the right direction.
 
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