03-10-2015, 08:47 AM
1
JEALOUSY within the family
We have what I assume is the classic father-mother relationship with our (now) 8-year-old son. My wife spoils him (although not in the extreme - yet) and allows him to test the limits of her patience. I set the rules (fair ones, if you ask me) and stand by them. I usually have enough tolerance to pretend I don't see it when he pushes mum well beyond what most parents will stand for, although I do occasionally interfere on her behalf. Anyway, when it's just he and I things go smoothly - very well in fact - but when she's at home the two of them argue over just about everything. My wife has never learned how to avoid perpetual disagreement but rather replies in such a way that offers room for counter-point. They can go at it for half an hour! Over nothing at all!But what is really worrying for me is the jealousy our boy displays when my wife is at home. He insist on holding mum's hand (demonstratively declaring he won't hold mine) when crossing the road, he keeps her between us whenever we're in town, and a hundred other, small displays of “mother's-boy”-ish-ness. If I were a stranger I'd think I were an awful father who instills fear (or worse) in the boy. Then there are the cuddles my wife and I share … he comes rushing in to give mum a cuddle, to outdo me I suppose, and if he hears the two of us in discussion he'll come charging in the room to speak over our voices and interrupt each and every sentence in turn.
So OK, I realize the problem lies with my wife's inability to draw a few lines in fostering the boy, but she just isn't made that way, the dear. We have talked about it and she usually says that she quite simply doesn't want to alienate our son. Yes, that's right – she's afraid of making him angry with her. She's worried he won't like her.
I'm torn. Pressuring my wife to change would be putting too much stress on her otherwise lovely philosophy on life, yet trying to get our boy straight without it might be impossible.
Has anyone else had this experience? If so, what long-terms effects has it had on the child?
03-10-2015, 08:59 AM
2
Re: JEALOUSY within the family
normal behaviour for a child I would say .It sounds as though there is only one child and no siblings to share your wife's attention making the one child her main focus.
Do I sense a spot of resentment/feeling excluded from yourself which the little boy may be picking up on.
I would enjoy your sons company when he is with you and try not to resent the close relationship he clearly has with his mother.
Maybe find some interests just the two of you can share so you feel less excluded.
In a very short time the little boy will be not want to be seen holding anyones hand
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03-10-2015, 09:04 AM
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Re: JEALOUSY within the family
Its a great pity she cannot see your point of view as I fear this situation will only cause further problems down the line.I hope someone here can advise as I have not been in this situation - all I know is my husband was spoilt too - it hinders progress in relationships, that I do know. Fortunately I was the right person for him and together we got through the obstacles that his childhood created.
Wish you well with this
03-10-2015, 09:15 AM
4
Re: JEALOUSY within the family
I'm sorry but I don't think this is 'normal' behaviour for an 8yr old. I have three now adult sons and they certainly never behaved like that. If anything they were more aligned to their father with whom they shared many interests, although this wasn't demonstrated in any way such as this.I've also taught for over 40 years and the way bringing up children varies will never cease to amaze me.
Your wife is displaying one of the classic mistakes parents make these days in thinking that setting rules and being consistent will alienate him. As long as it is done with genuine love and with the approach that "I know you won't like this but it's for your own good and I still love you", the child may temporarily dislike you but he's unlikely to stop loving you.
Point out to her all the millions of children who have been brought up with rules, sanctions, consistency and a dash of strictness but also with love, who are perfectly nice humans who love their parents.
How does he get on at school and with friends? Is he just manipulating you or other people as well? I don't want to sound harsh, but this sort of upbringing, where you are divided in how you approach things and one parent allow such leniency, can lead to an extremely selfish and manipulative adult. I hope this doesn't happen but I think you do need to do something about it if you can.
03-10-2015, 09:26 AM
6
Re: JEALOUSY within the family
It would seem to me that you have to try to be more of a friend to your son than a father.The many rules we weigh our offspring down with are mostly not really necessary and only serve to put distance between us.
Do it now before it is too late to recover the situation and you grow too far apart to close the increasing and irrevocably developing gap.
03-10-2015, 09:26 AM
7
Re: JEALOUSY within the family
This very normal for a foster child they test the limits constantly. Are you his first foster family ? if not I would speak to the case worker and find out if it's something he has done previously and how they suggest you deal with it. Don't hesitate to ask questions that is what they are there for and better to ask than allow a situation to develop that spoils your relationship with him or your wife.03-10-2015, 09:29 AM
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Re: JEALOUSY within the family
Originally Posted by Julie1962
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This very normal for a foster child they test the limits constantly. Are you his first foster family ? if not I would speak to the case worker and find out if it's something he has done previously and how they suggest you deal with it. Don't hesitate to ask questions that is what they are there for and better to ask than allow a situation to develop that spoils your relationship with him or your wife.
I think he was using the term 'foster' like this "to bring up a child with parental care"
03-10-2015, 09:53 AM
10
Re: JEALOUSY within the family
Originally Posted by malcolm
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It would seem to me that you have to try to be more of a friend to your son than a father.The many rules we weigh our offspring down with are mostly not really necessary and only serve to put distance between us.
Do it now before it is too late to recover the situation and you grow too far apart to close the increasing and irrevocably developing gap.
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