Re: JEALOUSY within the family

Julie if the parents discuss it before hand between themselves there are ways to make it appropriate to the child.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

You can tell a child what is acceptable or not acceptable and you can tell that child why but, the child doesn't always accept it, especially when they get with their friends, they don't want to feel left out and will quite often go along with whatever their friends want. I too brought up my son alone for some years, yes there were times we had problems, there were times we clashed, but he still grew up to be a decent and independent young man. When I made rules for him I meant them, there was always a reason, which he knew, if he broke those rules then he got well and truly grounded. He was brought up to be polite and respectful and at home or when out with him he always was and people would comment on how polite he was. However he was certainly no angel and at times needed a very firm hand.
I suspect most children are the same and quite often I feel angry when I hear some parents discussing someone else's child and saying "oh little Johnny would never do or say that", but I'm quite sure little Johnny would if he thought his parents wouldn't find out.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

Perhaps it's because we have such a delicate situation here there are some things Grace doesn't need to know why she is not allowed to do them, her safety is more important than her knowing why with every decision. My answers were coloured by that I think.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

Well! I am pleasantly overwhelmed with the Forum response! I thank all of you.

MEG.
I suspect, yes, considering he is an only child (with the exception of my 21-year-old step-daughter, now away at university) this could be considered “normal” behaviour to a certain degree. I'm just not sure if it is acceptable to let it run its course ungoverned. But perhaps it is?

No. No resentment from me for his close relationship to my wife. I love both my wife and my son very dearly. She considers our family the most important thing on earth, child – husband – herself … in that order. And I think of myself as deserving last position on the rung. His love for his mum is a beautiful thing. I only wish he didn't see me as some sort of competitor.

JAYWALKER.
Yes, I believe you are right, My wife does think that setting rules and being consistent will alienate him. Also I agree that as long as rules and discipline are administered with genuine love that a child may temporarily dislike you but he's unlikely to stop loving you. I wish my wife would take that to her heart, but her uncertainty on that point is a problem.

Thing is, there is a lot of love in our family. The only one who's holding back on its expression is our son towards me ....... whenever my wife is not at home. When I am ill, or have hurt myself, he gets awfully worried for my sake, so I know he loves me. One day the poor thing came home from school crying to my wife, telling her to please not to marry someone else, “I want to keep my dad!”, he said. Apparently, it was on that day that he became aware of just how many of his school mates have step-fathers.

And yes again, he does try to manipulate my wife … with some success, I might add. She is beginning to see it however, so some improvement on that point does seem possible.

MALCOLM.
I don't know if I'd call it “being his friend” but I do speak to him in a more “friendly” manner. That is to say I never “preach” to him or wag my finger in his face.

JULIE.
As malcolm has said, I use “foster” as in “bringing up a child”. Sorry, I probably ought to have used that expression instead.

ALAN COOKE.
Oh Lord yes! Arguing with children is so counterproductive. This is one trap that my wife falls into on a daily basis. I've tried to point this out to her but she still doesn't ”get it”. Psychology is not her thing. Her ground isn't high enough to be able to see how the argument begins or how she pathetically contributes to its perpetual grinding.

PATSY.
My wife actually does see my point of view. She understands what I am saying but she admits that she is incapable of enforcing any sort of discipline. She is one of the most forgiving and gentle women I have ever met, and it is part of her personality that endears me to her. She almost never gets cross with me or our boy and although that is fine …...... there is the downside.

“It seems he has a reasonable relationship with the child when they are together, its when the Mother appears the child acts up and it needs to be dealt with”

EXACTLY. I see very clearly that it his affection for my wife that is at the centre of the problem but I don't yet understand if he is competing with me for her affections of if he feels that overtly displaying his love for me will make my wife jealous. If I knew the answer to that question I think I'd be more able to cope with it.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

BOWIE EYES.
Quite right. This is certainly one of the truly sticky points in our relationship with our boy. We have what we call our daily “kaffe rast”. This consists of perhaps 20 minutes when my wife and I are to sip coffee and discuss whatever needs discussing ….. WITHOUT interruptions from our little Henrik. It NEVER works that way. Mind you, we tell him calmly and gently that it is now “time” for that little break so it ought not to be necessary to have him barge in every 3 or 4 minutes with “something really important” to say - or just to check in to see if we've “finished yet?” His entry, you see, is always directed towards my wife and she almost always falls into the trap. More often than not it is me who loses my patience and strongly forbids him from disturbing us “till we say so”. The result of that is him burying himself beneath the bed-covers and sobbing, which is unbearable for wife to withstand. So the rest of our little chat is ruined anyway. At times I get so frustrated at having started the same sentence 3 or 4 times that I simply rise and leave the room ….. and that's that. And of course having done that, the rest of the evening can be tense. I can, naturally, tell him right at the beginning that I will not tolerate him disturbing us (using a firm voice) but then my wife thinks I am being too harsh. But telling him nicely simply does not work. So …....

CLUMSY.
Me saying “no” and mum saying “yes” might have been a problem but that I have had to make it clear (damned unfortunately) that I have the last word. It makes me feel that I am the father of the two of them at times. But it did solved the problem before it actually got off the ground. My wife now makes certain to ask me before she carries the word to our son.

COOKIECATE.
I only wish that professional advice were a viable possibility. Alas, we live in Sweden. Asking for help from any such entity here could (feasibly) get us referred to “Social Services”. Those people are witch hunters. No thanks! Since birth, our boy almost never slept. He cried and screamed a lot! So we went down the list of people could give us some advice. “He'll grow out of it in a couple of months” the first one said. When that time had past we tried another. “He'll grow out of it in 6 months.” I forgot what the third one said. It was the fourth one that was the bridge too far. It doubled as a cul de sac for drug and substance abusers, and violent offender parents. And so we entered a 6 month gauntlet of hell, being scrutinized as possible “unfit parents”. We got the all clear at the end of it but the experience left us …. well.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

It seems your boy has confused emotions that I hope will sort themselves out. Be patient, continue to be loving, that's the most important thing.
Sincerely wish you and your family well and that the future will offer contentment.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

Thank you, Patsy!

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

It is just a thought here, but you could try the star chart method. Perhaps starting weekly and working your way up. The child gets a star on his chart for each day he behaves, or does as asked, at the end of the week he gets a reward. If it works you can lengthen the time with the offer of a better reward, perhaps somewhere he wants to go etc.

When my so was a baby he too was somewhat of a screamer, when he was at home, he spent much time in hospital during his first two years and of course when he came home it was quiet, no nurses to attend to his every cry, no other little ones around, nobody bustling around all night. I guess it was understandable, but he never seemed to need as much sleep as some babies. In fact at one point the doctor gave us some mild sleeping medicine, not for the baby but for us, truly, no joke. I hope things improve for both you and your wife.

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

Hmmmmm, a star chart. That's an awfully good idea! We can start with just ”kaffe rast” and see if it works. Lovely!

Re: JEALOUSY within the family

I understand completely where you are coming from Advantage. I know finding reliable straightforward help from 'social service' type agencies is a mine field. I was really thinking. the of someone to talk to you and your wife before talking to your boy.