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08-03-2018, 09:48 PM
21

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by Sweetie pie ->
"He's decomposing!"
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08-03-2018, 10:07 PM
22

Re: Smiles.

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09-03-2018, 12:30 AM
23

Re: Smiles.

Posted in 2013.
Think you are having a bad day ?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still think you're having a bad day ?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ?

Just remember, it could be worse..
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?! STILL having a bad day ??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


There now, I bet that got you feeling better ?
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JBR
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09-03-2018, 12:49 AM
24

Re: Smiles.

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09-03-2018, 01:00 AM
25

Re: Smiles.

I liked the pig one. Poetic justice I calls that.
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10-03-2018, 10:26 AM
26

Re: Smiles.

PUNOGRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ..

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

· The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

· The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

· Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
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10-03-2018, 05:31 PM
27

Re: Smiles.

A Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts
" Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn "(Translatedon't drink the water, it's full of cow s**t.)

The man shouts back
"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Scottish man shouts back
"Use both hands, you'll get more in."
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14-03-2018, 04:34 PM
28

Re: Smiles.

Insurance Quotes to make you Smile....

Here´s some insurance quotes that always make me laugh a lot, no matter how many times I read them:

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I saw the man crossing the road and had to swerve several times before I hit him"
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JBR
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14-03-2018, 08:01 PM
29

Re: Smiles.

Excellent, especially this:
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
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14-03-2018, 09:04 PM
30

Re: Smiles.

Originally Posted by JBR ->
Excellent, especially this:
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
Glad you liked it.
I have one about women and parking - So funny.
I just need to search for it.
 
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