06-08-2017, 09:26 AM
281
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by JBR
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Two couples have gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, decide to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks, they succeed.Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile!
The two guys agree that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mugs the number of times they had sex with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.
06-08-2017, 09:41 AM
282
Re: Jokes for blokes
A boss says to his secretary 'You know, I would really love to shag you and you could make a bit of money out of it too. What if I were to throw a thousand pounds on the floor and while you are picking it up, I would be shagging you from behind but as soon as you get it all, I promise to stop?'The secretary thinks about this and then decides to ring her boyfriend for advice. 'We could certainly do with the money' says the boyfriend and it won't take that long to pick up but make it £2,000.
Everyone agrees to this but after twenty minutes, the boyfriend hasn't heard from her and decides to give her a call.
'How's it going?' he asks
'Terrible' says the girl, 'the bastard used coins.
06-08-2017, 11:42 PM
284
Re: Jokes for blokes
The funeral parlour called an 85-year old widow to tell her that her 90-year old husband had died with such a massive erection that they could not close the lid of the coffin. They had never seen such a big knob."Well," she said, "cut it off as close to his body as you can, then put it up his bottom."
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects. The widow knelt down near to her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old bastard!"
06-08-2017, 11:46 PM
285
Re: Jokes for blokes
A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first."Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And, of course, you must take care not to get pregnant."
"What?" says the woman incredulously. "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor. "Where do you think Spurs fans come from?"
07-08-2017, 06:24 PM
287
Re: Jokes for blokes
Originally Posted by Judd
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I can't think of anything funny to say. This must be how it feels to be a woman
08-08-2017, 02:07 AM
288
Re: Jokes for blokes
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints,"
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
08-08-2017, 11:30 PM
290
Re: Jokes for blokes
Little Johnny comes home from school and says to his dad, "At school the boys were talking about pussy. What is pussy?"His dad goes up to his bedroom, rummages through his sock drawer and gets out a copy of Penthouse magazine. He brings it downstairs, opens it, draws a circle on a picture and says, "There, that's it. Everything in that circle. That's a pussy."
Johnny nods, then says, "They were also talking about a bitch. What's a bitch?"
"Everything outside that circle!"
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