The missus isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how - I didn't even know it was her birthday.
After too many beers my mate asked me if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to explain that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.
The wife says she's leaving me because I invade her privacy. At least, that's what it says in her diary.
Woman to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband "OK, but if you get home before me, can you leave the hall light on?"
My wife left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while the poor bugger's going through all that I'll be down the pub with my mates every night.
Apparently according to the wife, I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
I just read a book on marriage that said treat your wife like you treated her on the first day you met. So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents' house.