Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

I went to the cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked."

"Does it affect the price?" I said.

"No, not at all." she replied.


"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please." ...
..............
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?" ...

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says;

"I'll have a whisky please"

The barman asks; "Bells alright?"


Quasi replied, "Mind your own f***ing business" ...


And that's all folks.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLEES

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted
indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about
sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last
request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Jack and Jill

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on."

"When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**ing attitude, you never will."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Excuses - Child Support Agency

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:-

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by (name removed), I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party (address and date given) where I had unprotected sex with I man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. l am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my sons conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic Implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

(Name given) Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my Alice Cooper CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at (address given) mine might have remained unfertilised.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my Baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

Medical Condition

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, opens the window, snaps the radio aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"
She replies,
"I'm not sure if it's in yet...."

"That's the one - I'll take a copy…"

Re: Old and New Jokes bet you still laugh

good one Malc

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time!
I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse.