09-04-2019, 09:13 PM
41
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by Bratti
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Yes thank you Ruthio. What Bratti was gently suggesting
It doesn’t make you a bad parent
Many parents who are FABULOUS parents share this problem
Why would your kids want to move out when they have it so good?
It’s actually a huge compliment to you Art.
Brattie, for overreacting but as you can see l am fiercely protective of my family.The written word can be interpreted in so many different ways and it is obvious on this occasion, l interpreted it wrongly.
09-04-2019, 09:21 PM
42
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by Artangel
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I am very sorry, Brattie, for overreacting but as you can see l am fiercely protective of my family.The written word can be interpreted in so many different ways and it is obvious on this occasion, l interpreted it wrongly.
I would expect nothing less from you.
That’s what makes you a great mom
09-04-2019, 09:22 PM
43
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by ruthio
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I think I understand what Bratti was gently suggesting, and it's nothing to do with being there in times of great need for our children, we all do that surely?You said, "The plan was, she would save to buy a house but that hasn’t happened as she spends all her money, on skiing tution, exotic holidays, Bickram Yoga, various subscriptions, entering this year’s London marathon and half marathons, bought a new car, clothes etc.
I have said to her, her life is passing, she should move away from me. She thought about going to London where my youngest daughter lives and works but now wants to live in Brighton as her boyfriend lives there but not live with him. (It’s not Uncle Joe!)
I hope she does move away, as it’s not right to still be with her mother, when the world is her oyster."
Maybe she needs a financial plan to save.
Or pay you a proper rent which you save for her (I've done that a few times, it mounts up surprisingly fast!!)
nabler
/ɪˈneɪblə,ɛˈneɪblə/
noun
a person or thing that makes something possible.
"the people who run these workshops are crime enablers"
a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behaviour in another.
"being an enabler to an addict does more harm than good"
She did ask me to save £500 a month for her but that could be seen as my money when HRMC want to know what money you have/had when you die.
Or did your daughter give you cash to save and you put it under the bed?
09-04-2019, 09:57 PM
44
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by Artangel
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ruthio, She has offered to pay but l wouldn’t take a penny from her. Yes, l might be foolish but l’d rather her have the benefit of my money now, whilst l am alive!
If you take money from her in this way, as rent, you're taking it for HER not for you!
Save it in a special account, it mounts up very quickly.
It makes you feel terrific when you eventually hand it back, HER own money which youve enabled her to save this way!
Originally Posted by Artangel
She did ask me to save £500 a month for her but that could be seen as my money when HRMC want to know what money you have/had when you die.Or did your daughter give you cash to save and you put it under the bed?
10-04-2019, 07:58 AM
46
Re: Adult children
Hello Grateful and welcome to the siteI'm out of step again with my advice here....I feel for your husband where do his needs come into all this? He married you and you made a life together...
No-one could love their kids more than me but be the safety net not the solution....your son needs to sort his life it's his responsibility not yours... help where you can but don't find solutions for him and don't put your own happiness at risk....he is a man now not a little boy acting as though he is will only be detrimental to him and his self esteem if you treat him as such.
I might sound hard but in the long run you are doing what is best for him and also safeguarding your own happiness and that of your husband.
10-04-2019, 08:14 AM
47
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by Artangel
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ruthio, She has offered to pay but l wouldn’t take a penny from her. Yes, l might be foolish but l’d rather her have the benefit of my money now, whilst l am alive! She did ask me to save £500 a month for her but that could be seen as my money when HRMC want to know what money you have/had when you die.
Or did your daughter give you cash to save and you put it under the bed?
I think we would all like to come and live with you
Could your daughter not open a separate account that she pays into ?
(One that doesn't allow many withdrawals .)
Then she will be building up a reserve for herself .
As it is in her name it won't effect the HRMC .
Also you are allowed to give £3000 pa as a gift to anyone without inheritance tax implications .
10-04-2019, 10:21 AM
48
Re: Adult children
My Youngest Daughter came back to stay with Me around 26 yrs ago when Her relationship broke up,and yes,She did pay towards Her keep,..She stayed for 3 yrs until She married,but I was very glad of Her being there when My Partner died.I couldn't turn My back on My Son if I thought He was going to be Homeless,but I live alone so it wouldn't be a problem,,when His marriage broke up He got Himself a rented flat (thank gawd) but if He had wanted to live with Me He would def' have payed for His keep too..(We Parents aren't charities)...I hope Your problem is resolved soon Grateful for all concerned,x
10-04-2019, 11:02 AM
49
Re: Adult children
Originally Posted by Muddy
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What a good mother you are Art I think we would all like to come and live with you
Could your daughter not open a separate account that she pays into ?
(One that doesn't allow many withdrawals .)
Then she will be building up a reserve for herself .
As it is in her name it won't effect the HRMC .
Also you are allowed to give £3000 pa as a gift to anyone without inheritance tax implications .
The other day, you posted something really poignant about how you feel about your children and what you would do for them. At the time, l thought what a good, caring mother you are! My daughter who lives with at the moment does have an ?ISA and pays into that. It’s one she took out when she worked in the bank but it’s one that fluctuates.
She was promoted lately and that’s when she wanted me to save the money for her.
Living with me at the moment is just a stop gap. She is applying for teaching jobs in Brighton.
I have always said, l do not own my children but l am always there to help them. When they were teenagers and wanted designer label clothes, l didn’t buy them for them. Instead, l made them apply locally for jobs at the weekends and holidays. This has been a good thing as they have all succeeded and have really good jobs.
10-04-2019, 04:02 PM
50
Re: Adult children
Grateful, l am sorry to hi-jack your thread and l hope you can sort out something where there is a happy medium for both your son and your husband.This piece that was written at school by my son Daniel who was about 9 at the time and before l had my fifth child, makes me realise how important family are.
My Family..
My most prized possession has got to be, my family. They feed me, look after me, spoil me.
My mum and dad are kind to me, my mum’s hard to get round but my dad’s easy. (watch out for this bit)
My sisters, well here come a motley crew. Most of the time, we’re fighting wars and it’s not fair 3 v 1.
My big sister is impossible to persuade. My second sister is sometimes persuaded. My smallest sister is too small to try yet.
Pets: My cat is highly dangerous, if you try to stroke him, he’ll have your arm off.
The goldfish is getting on a bit, he’s 3yrs old.
But one thing’s for certain, we ain’t arf one of a family.
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