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15-04-2019, 01:12 PM
441

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Richmond ->
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
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16-04-2019, 01:22 AM
442

Re: Let's have a laugh

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty, fancy another one?"
"Why the hell would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.
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17-04-2019, 02:17 PM
443

Re: Let's have a laugh

A doctor walking along the corridor of a hospital hears piercing screams coming from a ward. He goes in and there is a man screaming , dancing around and holding his privates. He looks at the nurse and says to her "Why don,t you listen. I told you to prick his boil"
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17-04-2019, 09:03 PM
444

Re: Let's have a laugh

Three blondes were all applying for the last
available position on the Toronto Police Force.*

*The detective conducting the interview looked
at the three of them and said, "So you all want
to be cops, huh?"*

*The blondes all nodded.*

*The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and
pulled out a folder.*

*Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a
picture, and said,*

*"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.*

*You must be able to notice things such as
distinguishing features and oddities like scars
and so forth."*

*So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of
the first blonde and withdrew it after about two
seconds.*

*"Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"*

*The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he
has only one eye!"*

*The detective shook his head and said,*

*"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!*

*It's a profile of his face!*

*You're dismissed!"*

*The first blonde hung her head and walked out
of the office.*

*The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about
this man?"*

*"Yes! He only has one ear!"*

*The detective put his head in his hands and
exclaimed,*

*"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?*

*This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear!*

*You're excused too!"*

*The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the
office.*

*The detective turned his attention to the third
and last blonde and said,*

*"This is probably a waste of time, but...."*

*He flashed the photo in her face for a couple
of seconds and withdrew it, saying,*

*"All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?"*

*The blonde said,*

*"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.*

*" The detective frowned, took another look at
the picture, and began looking at some of the
papers in the folder.*

*He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled
expression and said,*

*"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"*

*The blonde rolled her eyes and said,*

*"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!*

*With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly
can't wear glasses."*
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17-04-2019, 09:08 PM
445

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by Richmond ->
Three blondes were all applying for the last
available position on the Toronto Police Force.*

*The detective conducting the interview looked
at the three of them and said, "So you all want
to be cops, huh?"*

*The blondes all nodded.*

*The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and
pulled out a folder.*

*Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a
picture, and said,*

*"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.*

*You must be able to notice things such as
distinguishing features and oddities like scars
and so forth."*

*So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of
the first blonde and withdrew it after about two
seconds.*

*"Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"*

*The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he
has only one eye!"*

*The detective shook his head and said,*

*"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!*

*It's a profile of his face!*

*You're dismissed!"*

*The first blonde hung her head and walked out
of the office.*

*The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about
this man?"*

*"Yes! He only has one ear!"*

*The detective put his head in his hands and
exclaimed,*

*"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?*

*This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear!*

*You're excused too!"*

*The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the
office.*

*The detective turned his attention to the third
and last blonde and said,*

*"This is probably a waste of time, but...."*

*He flashed the photo in her face for a couple
of seconds and withdrew it, saying,*

*"All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?"*

*The blonde said,*

*"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.*

*" The detective frowned, took another look at
the picture, and began looking at some of the
papers in the folder.*

*He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled
expression and said,*

*"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"*

*The blonde rolled her eyes and said,*

*"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!*

*With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly
can't wear glasses."*


Brilliant!
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Hampshire, UK
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17-04-2019, 09:22 PM
446

Re: Let's have a laugh

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York
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17-04-2019, 10:12 PM
447

Re: Let's have a laugh

Paddy and Murphy were doing a crossword. Paddy asks, "How do you spell paint"? Murphy replies, "What color?"
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Primus1
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York
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17-04-2019, 10:15 PM
448

Re: Let's have a laugh

i Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor: THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.
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Perth Western Australia, 3rd house on the right
Joined: Nov 2012
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18-04-2019, 10:10 AM
449

Re: Let's have a laugh

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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Besoeker
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Doncaster, UK
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18-04-2019, 11:13 AM
450

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by big ben ->
A doctor walking along the corridor of a hospital hears piercing screams coming from a ward. He goes in and there is a man screaming , dancing around and holding his privates. He looks at the nurse and says to her "Why don,t you listen. I told you to prick his boil"
Similar to one I heard a few years ago.
"Good heavens, nurse! I said remove his SPECTACLES!"
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