05-06-2019, 09:47 AM
582
Re: Let's have a laugh
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED,( ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE)…….THIS IS VERY CLEVER.In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ”Why dost thou travel from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ”How, dear?”
And Dot replied, ” I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply by telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivered by Uriah’s Pony Stable ( UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound ( MSDOS), and she also developed a language transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People ( HTTP).
And the young men did take Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that work only with brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, ”Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it became known.
He said, ” We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied,” Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
” YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid ( GEEK) that he was, soon started using dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it began.
And that’s the truth.
05-06-2019, 05:56 PM
584
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Judd
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Was in the pub last night with a few mates and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us."Pretend we're the police" my mate said.
I only got half-way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.
05-06-2019, 06:05 PM
585
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by effingpot
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Try these next time you order a pizza on the phone. Keep a straight face mind you!- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
- When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Stutter on the letter “p.”
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Ask what the order taker is wearing.
- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” See how they respond
- Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Imitate the order taker’s voice.
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
- Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
- Try to talk while drinking something.
- Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- Be vague in your order.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
- After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
- Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
- State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
- Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
- Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
- Put them on hold.
- Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
- Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
- When you’ve given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
- Haggle.
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order term life insurance.
- When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
- Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
- Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
- Order a steamed pizza.
This reminded me of a true story when I was working late at the office one evening.
The phone rang so I answered 'hello'
"I wanna order a pizza'
'Sorry, but you have the wrong number'
Phone goes dead, no apology, nothing.
Phone rings again 'Hello'
'I wanna order a pizza'
'Yes sir, what would you like?'
The bloke on the phone rattles off his order.
'Sorry sir but we can't make you a pizza this evening'
'What? Why's that?
'Cos we don't serve ignorant C*****'
05-06-2019, 10:19 PM
587
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Judd
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Two mates were looking at the new tellies on display in a shop window. One turns to the other and says "That's the one I'd get"Just then, a bloke with a glass eye who was walking passed punched him in the face.
Had to read that twice.
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