Re: Grief

Claire I am pleased that some thing I said could help you.

Time is the healer but unfortuately it only goes by one minute at a time so anything that helps you fill in those minutes will help.

Best of luck in your voluntary work, if nothing else it will help you to feel good about yourself.

Re: Grief

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Claire. Your loss will have a double edge to it because it is the wrong way round - it makes it all the harder to bear because he is the son and you are his mother - and parents are supposed to go first, so this makes it seem so unfair.
I notice your son died in April and that is no time at all - it is very early days for you. Please don't feel guilty. Perhaps guilt feelings inevitably creep in along with the pain and feelings of helplessness. I don't think this sort of bereavement is something you will "get over". You will not forget, but you will come to terms with it, and the pain will lessen as time goes by. Whatever anyone says may seem superficial and trite and what can anyone really say to help your pain? The healing will come with time and will come from you. You must take your time and don't rush things, trying to make it go away before you are ready to let it go - go into it and acknowledge all your feelings to yourself and those around you. We are all a lot stronger than we think we are and this awful time will eventally pass into a softer and more bearable time.
Have you thought about a bereavement counsellor - they are not just there for initial loss and you may find it beneficial now that a few months have gone by. Talking to someone who is not too close and able to really listen to you can help a lot - you don't feel as if you are burdening someone else with your feelings. They really do understand.
Look after yourself through all this and I am sure many people are thinking of you.

Re: Grief

And a hug from me.

I think Azz had it.

Then I think you change and your pain threshold goes up - the pain is still there and still as poignant - but somehow, somehow, you are just better able to deal with it.

There is denial,anger,guilt and that continual question..Why??

Five months is not long although every moment hurts. Try to talk to others who have been there.

And grief hurts-it hurts like hell but never be afraid to keep talking about it,if that helps,real friends will always listen even if they feel helpless.

And what Aerolor has said is spot on

Re: Grief

Never easy Claire. You sound as if you are coping very well and being strong and realistic.
It is, and always will be, a heart breaker to lose someone you love. No easy answers or magic 'make it stop hurting' stuff.

We are always here, tell us.

Huge cyber hugs from me and the soppy loving dogs and cuddly cats.

xxxx

Re: Grief

Because Sam had been a deaths door many times before (suicide attempts, accidents) I never feel anger or guilt about him going - just a deep sadness that I couldn`t have had longer with him. I dreaded him surviving me, to be honest, as he couldn`t have coped, but wasn`t prepared for the loss I feel now. It`s as though the ground has been kicked out from under me.
I had 35 years of caring for him - and it was a rollercoaster at times - and my life was, in the end, built around him. That`s why I feel so bewildered now.
I`m a lucky woman - I have friends, family and dogs who all support and love me. I have a satifying and creative vocation and leisure to enjoy myself.
But I know I`ll never completely adjust. He was a lovely man.

Re: Grief

Time is the healer. I lost both my parents a few years between them, then found my brother dead. Losing a son, however, is difficult (so I have been told). We all believe that children should outlive parents and that may be the cause of your continued grief. Talking about it will help you. Just remember all the good times you had and that may help as well.

Thinking about you.

Take care xxxx

Re: Grief

(((((((((claire)))))))))

Unfortunately I can relate to this post, as my daughter died 5 years ago aged 11 years.

She was 24 hour care and when it is that sort of situation it is inevitable that your life revolves around that person.
I was totally sucked into my daughters life, we were like one person, and when it crossed my mind about her short life expectancy, I did on occassion think of joining her as I didn't think there could be nor would I want a life without her.
I am glad to day that a few years before she died I did meet a wonderful person (my husband) and have had another child albeit at 48!! but I have continued to live without her, which I thought would be unthinkable during her life time.

The loss of a child is such a unique, an unequaled bereavement like no other, because they belong to your body, they are alive because you made them, and it is not natures way to outlive an off spring. Your children are unlike any other relatives we have.
I know that weight of this grief is so heavy, but in time, (and it will take a long time, I am still grieving and I will till the day I die,) you do learn to live with that weight until one day when it doesn't seem as heavy even though it is still the same weight as the day they died, if that makes sense?
I could not look at any pictures of my little girl smiling as it just crushed me so much, but now, 5 years on, I can sometimes look and smile back, sometimes I can talk for hours about her and other times I can't bear to be reminded, we are all different but I hope that what I have posted will help you in some way, that you are not alone and you will find a level that will give you a bit of peace.
My faith has also helped me, I know, for sure, without doubt or question (and this is my belief that no one else has to share) I will see her again.
I can look back, smile, have no regrets and know I gave her all that life would allow and that she had a lot more privileges of healthcare, love, warmth food and shelter that a lot of children born into this world without any problems will never receive in their lives.

June x